U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 05-31-2017, 09:37 AM
 
254 posts, read 196,840 times
Reputation: 570

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marble cake View Post
My husband wasn't elderly. He was only 67. My heart is broken. Tonite is the first nite I am alone since he died. He was so sick and slept all the time before he died. I was sort of alone then, but I knew he was in the next room.

This is unbearable. I'm just sooo sad. I might consider counciling because I am having a very hard time accepting the fact I wil never be with him again in this life.

Thanks for all your well wishes, once again.
I am so very sorry. The days following my husband's death were excruciating. I had made all the arrangements and was alone in the house. I do have a young daughter but she was at school during the day and I felt so alone. The last several months of his life were with hospice in the home and I rarely left his side. Like you said, just the fact he was not sleeping in the next room was enough to do me in. My dog didn't know what to do. My daughter was 14 then she started sleeping with me. it was a really rough time.

The 2 weeks from his passing until his memorial were a nightmare. Once everything was arranged, I had nothing to do. My days were spent sleeping because my BP was so high I'm pretty sure I was on the verge of a stroke and my head hurt so bad but not as much as my heart.

I did consider counseling but it's just not for me. It's been 21 months now and I promise it does get better. You never EVER forget. You will have days, hours, minutes where all you want to do is cry however they are becoming less and less. Counseling may help you but also remember it's only been a few days. You can cry scream punch a pillow throw a dish, I've done it all.

One day a couple weeks ago I just had a day. I know everyone at work wondered what was up but I swear if I had uttered one word I would have broken out bawling. They understand and are sympathetic but don't get it. They all still have their hubbies to go home too. It can be quite lonely. I do have 2 daughters and I try to stay busy.

I'm sorry you are going through this and am praying for you. <3
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 05-31-2017, 11:16 AM
 
3,700 posts, read 3,028,739 times
Reputation: 10007
I lost my wife to cancer ten years ago. Life really changed, and no one who has been through this ever comes out as whole as they once were. We're like that beautiful cracked vase that we glued back together, damaged, but still there. I was 62 when she died, now at 72 I'm back to a somewhat normal life, time does heal, and I'm happy again, as she would have liked me to be.

The immediate pain is so heavy, the days drag by in sorrow, the nights seem like an eternity, but-- over time, we come around to the thought of our own end and feel the need to live in a happier frame of mind. Ask yourself what your husband would want you to feel and whether he would encourage you to seek a life less weighty. In the meantime, come here to write your thoughts, it's a great form of catharsis. I'll be hoping for you..Take care.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-31-2017, 11:32 AM
 
Location: State of Waiting
607 posts, read 717,183 times
Reputation: 1390
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marble cake View Post
Two mornings ago my husband died, and the sadness is just too unbearable. I can't stop crying. We were together 46 years. Yesterday was our anniversary. That made it even more heart wrenching. I feel like I want to be where he is. It's going to take me forever to get over this. He was the love of my life. I'm so broken.

I feel like I will never be the same. A part of me died with him. I'm just heartbroken.
Marble Cake,

I'm sending you prayers and a cyber (((HUG))) So very sorry for your loss. No words can fix it or take the pain away. Time will help... and ease the pain a bit.

Can you go to a therapist? There are therapists who specialize in grief counseling. I went for about a year after I lost my Mom (I found her on the floor in her bedroom, already gone to be with the Lord, 2 days after we moved to a house with a bedroom and bath just for her, on the main level) and it really helped. I went once a week, and was able to talk all kinds of things through and cry, get it out, etc., that sometimes overwhelms friends and family. I'm an only child... and she was my best friend.

And of course coming here and writing about what is going on with you is a good way to help get your feelings heard too. Talking about it and writing can often help you come to terms with grief. Thinking of you, and sending you prayers for healing.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-31-2017, 12:51 PM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,251,370 times
Reputation: 4554
Quote:
Originally Posted by kelly237 View Post
For some reason those neat tidy grief stages everyone reminded me of made me
mad when I was grieving.

My grief followed no stages and was one thing one minute and another the next, and sometimes all those things at once.
I knew the "stages of grief" long before I ever experienced it. I suppose, as a health care professional, I accepted the dogma. Then I was experiencing it myself. I found the pigeon-holed approach to analyzing grief to be completely useless. Sure, there were times when I experienced shock, denial, acceptance, etc., but they were all mixed up, short or long times of each and times when they were all rolled together, and times when I could not have described my feelings to be in any of those catagories. There was no stage-to-stage progression. Perhaps a psychiatrist would find those categories helpful in describing patients, but for the person experiencing loss, I think they should just be ignored.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-31-2017, 06:07 PM
 
7,695 posts, read 12,848,079 times
Reputation: 9599
Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
I knew the "stages of grief" long before I ever experienced it. I suppose, as a health care professional, I accepted the dogma. Then I was experiencing it myself. I found the pigeon-holed approach to analyzing grief to be completely useless. Sure, there were times when I experienced shock, denial, acceptance, etc., but they were all mixed up, short or long times of each and times when they were all rolled together, and times when I could not have described my feelings to be in any of those catagories. There was no stage-to-stage progression. Perhaps a psychiatrist would find those categories helpful in describing patients, but for the person experiencing loss, I think they should just be ignored.
Yep, I agree.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-31-2017, 06:10 PM
 
7,695 posts, read 12,848,079 times
Reputation: 9599
Marble Cake,

This may or may not be something you would find helpful but for me
writing in a journal helped me tremendously.

I wrote 10-20 pages a day sometimes and poured my heart out about every detail
I was feeling. It helped so much to get me through the worst days.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-31-2017, 06:48 PM
 
Location: Bronx
14,812 posts, read 17,417,710 times
Reputation: 7515
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marble cake View Post
Two mornings ago my husband died, and the sadness is just too unbearable. I can't stop crying. We were together 46 years. Yesterday was our anniversary. That made it even more heart wrenching. I feel like I want to be where he is. It's going to take me forever to get over this. He was the love of my life. I'm so broken.

I feel like I will never be the same. A part of me died with him. I'm just heartbroken.
I'm sorry for your loss. It seems you had great solid years with him?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-31-2017, 09:41 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,714 posts, read 21,770,674 times
Reputation: 27763
Quote:
Originally Posted by chiluvr1228 View Post
That's how I felt about grief counseling. The hospice where I lived had them but it was a group thing. I left those meetings worse than when I went in, hearing everybody's stories. I'm one of those people if you cry, I cry.
That worked for me. I didn't want to just talk and talk about myself. Listening to them opened me up a bit.
Different family members or friends had died. We were all in different stages of grief. There was a woman who had lost her twin, and a guy whose wife and two children had died in the previous three years.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-31-2017, 10:40 PM
 
7,695 posts, read 12,848,079 times
Reputation: 9599
Our church did a Grief Share class. I tried to go soon after but wasn't ready.
When I took it 6 months later it was helpful to have the support of others
who were also grieving. One mom had lost her 18 year old son the night before
graduation. Freak accident while clowning around with some kids.
Trying to encourage her helped me I think.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-01-2017, 01:09 AM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,251,370 times
Reputation: 4554
I tried a Grief Share group, but the religious point of view was not in agreement with mine (or with that of my church) and I did not find it a place of comfort. In addition, people had all different kinds of losses, which was not what I needed at the time. I did find the right group with the Hospice support group, which was specific for spousal loss in my age group. But I think support groups vary a great deal based on the leader and the participants. So it is quite possible that a given group may not fit.

Likewise, I saw a counselor briefly soon after my husband was diagnosed. It was a bit helpful, but I didn't continue. Later I tried again and found someone who was excellent and who gave me a lot of support and insight.

My point is that every group or every counselor may not be the right one for an individual. It may take a couple of tries to get the right one.

I have also heard of people who have participated in support groups online or who found a listening ear at programs like Stephen Ministries.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top