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Old 05-29-2017, 04:32 AM
 
Location: mid wyoming
1,985 posts, read 5,861,904 times
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When someone known to me dies and in the last 7 years it's been my mother, brother and a few months back my father. I grieve for 4 days. And after that I hardly speak their name again tho I do think about them mostly just a few fleeting seconds then it's over. Not much guilt or anything just the thoughts or remembrances of some inter actions. I don't even remember the anniversary of their deaths. I think it's a waste of time how people carry on and cry or whine over and over for years.
Now Over my life I have witnessed death in many ways and had to deal with it. I am not in a medical field either.
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Old 05-29-2017, 09:50 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,841 posts, read 51,286,023 times
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Everyone is different. Judgment over how long people grieve is a waste of time.
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Old 05-29-2017, 10:01 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 30,322,237 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
Everyone is different. Judgment over how long people grieve is a waste of time.
Agreed! Worse, it's uncaring, inconsiderate and arrogant.
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Old 05-29-2017, 10:16 AM
 
Location: Midvale, Idaho
1,428 posts, read 2,252,516 times
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I have had people ask me if I miss my husband?? Well YES I do terribly. I miss his intelligence, abilities ,conversations, smell, jokes and love. I do speak of him and he is almost always at the top of my thoughts. Not always sad thoughts. In fact rarely do I think sad thoughts of him. I know for my first husband lost in 1970 I always remembered his birth and death date and wedding anniversaries even after all these years. My mind works that way. I do not want to go around whining he is gone oh my what will I do for the rest of my life I can never be happy again. I am responsible for making me happy now. Retail therapy has never made me happy. I am more of a thrift store kind of gal. Yes my crazy house shows it too. After he died I got a tattoo on my wrist of a battered butterfly with semi colon for the body. I might be a little torn and tattered but I choose to go on. My story is not over yet. I love how the heart in the open part of the wing just happened.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/501856...posted-public/

Joe always said he wanted to come back as a cat so one tat for him of a kitty over my heart. I told him I would do this. Can hardly believe at 67 I am getting tats. I am done now though.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/501856...posted-public/
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Old 05-29-2017, 10:56 AM
 
331 posts, read 170,861 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shadowwalker View Post
When someone known to me dies and in the last 7 years it's been my mother, brother and a few months back my father. I grieve for 4 days. And after that I hardly speak their name again tho I do think about them mostly just a few fleeting seconds then it's over. Not much guilt or anything just the thoughts or remembrances of some inter actions. I don't even remember the anniversary of their deaths. I think it's a waste of time how people carry on and cry or whine over and over for years.
Now Over my life I have witnessed death in many ways and had to deal with it. I am not in a medical field either.

Call me uncaring, inconsiderate and arrogant, and call me a taxi while you're at it, but what you are saying strikes me as highly abnormal. There is a wide gulf between excessive "carrying on" and the Mr. Spock-like response you are describing. For anyone resembling a normal human - and I allow extremely wide latitude in what I consider a normal human - the death of a parent, sibling or spouse takes a great deal longer than four days to process and the memories are far more extensive than a few fleeting seconds here and there. In all honesty, I doubt you are being honest with yourself or with us. But if you are, and are happy with who you are, then live long and prosper.
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Old 05-29-2017, 11:40 AM
 
Location: In a house
21,902 posts, read 20,891,721 times
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Each to his/her own. Grief is a very personal thing and no one can say how long it should take. Others may feel differently about death but I have a great example: My DH passed from ALS nearly 3 years ago and I still grieve him but my next door neighbor just lost her DH to the exact same disease, ALS, the church had a celebration of his life and she is opposite from me in her grief! She is happy he is where he wanted to be and saw his suffering living in a shell for a body--I saw that in my own DH but he was determined to beat this horrid disease (never would happen) so I tried my best to help him--I felt like I failed him. Same disease with totally different perspectives. Personally I wish I was more like her! More then grief now I am lonely!
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Old 05-29-2017, 02:47 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 30,322,237 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cynwldkat View Post
Each to his/her own. Grief is a very personal thing and no one can say how long it should take. Others may feel differently about death but I have a great example: My DH passed from ALS nearly 3 years ago and I still grieve him but my next door neighbor just lost her DH to the exact same disease, ALS, the church had a celebration of his life and she is opposite from me in her grief! She is happy he is where he wanted to be and saw his suffering living in a shell for a body--I saw that in my own DH but he was determined to beat this horrid disease (never would happen) so I tried my best to help him--I felt like I failed him. Same disease with totally different perspectives. Personally I wish I was more like her! More then grief now I am lonely!
No you didn't. It was out of your hands and his. When my wife died two weeks ago it was from septic shock with a secondary reason of pneumonia and three tertiary reasons. Earlier this afternoon I began second-guessing as to whether I could have prevented any of it. After all, I'd been her caregiver 24/7 for years as she suffered intense pain from degenerative disc disease, reverse scoliosis and severe sciatica leaving her housebound but for medical appointments to include surgeries.

The answer was clear. There's not another thing I could have done for her that I wasn't already doing. Like your neighbor and her husband, as much as I miss her, I know my wife is in a better place and finally pain free. It's the same for your husband so don't even begin to question yourself.

We miss our spouses but the best we can now do for them is to love them, recall the happy times and keep alive positive memories of them.
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Old 05-30-2017, 04:36 AM
 
Location: In a house
21,902 posts, read 20,891,721 times
Reputation: 14812
I agree but sadly it has taken a long time for me to accept this. Thank you for you post!
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Old 05-30-2017, 10:06 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,695 posts, read 21,741,083 times
Reputation: 27747
Quote:
Originally Posted by shadowwalker View Post
When someone known to me dies and in the last 7 years it's been my mother, brother and a few months back my father. I grieve for 4 days. And after that I hardly speak their name again tho I do think about them mostly just a few fleeting seconds then it's over. Not much guilt or anything just the thoughts or remembrances of some inter actions. I don't even remember the anniversary of their deaths. I think it's a waste of time how people carry on and cry or whine over and over for years.
Now Over my life I have witnessed death in many ways and had to deal with it. I am not in a medical field either.
Cry or whine? Why is it whining? Because you say so? That's seems pretty callous to me.

You don't have to do, say, or remember anything, but you seem the exception to the rule to me.
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Old 05-31-2017, 12:28 AM
 
3,962 posts, read 5,247,246 times
Reputation: 4549
Quote:
Originally Posted by shadowwalker View Post
I think it's a waste of time how people carry on and cry or whine over and over for years.
Yes, that seems like a hard, judgmental, almost cruel statement to me. I am trying to cut the OP some slack. But I wonder, if you feel no need to grieve, did you actually love the persons who died? By using a really negative term like "whine" your posts sounds as though you are angry at those who grieve. I'm not going to try to analyze that.
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