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Old 06-21-2017, 06:31 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 30,334,400 times
Reputation: 28965

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Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
Very nicely put. I remember those moments when hubbie was in pain and so sick, sitting there thinking please let him die already and then chastising myself for having those thoughts.
I know the feeling. I did the same and then kicked myself around the block for doing so. The constant refrain was, "Be careful what you wish for. You might just get it." Sometimes being human is a pain!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerania View Post
Roger that. (((((Hug!))))) I can be a pretty huggy person. I'm female and was born decades ago. I have to be a huggy person. Not really, but I was just born that way.
Thank you, Gerania. I can think of worse ways to be born. Ah, yes. Decades. Seven and counting. Not aiming for eight.
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Old 07-22-2017, 07:06 AM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
34,549 posts, read 42,724,437 times
Reputation: 57209
This thread resonates with me today, as I heard of the death yesterday of an old friend. She was 11 years older than me, and was like a big sister. She was very funny, and down to earth. Our daily conversations always went the same way. They were about her kids, what they had for dinner, and what she planned to make for dinner that night. We met when we worked together. We car pooled and she and her husband, and my eventual husband went out socially together.

When they retired they moved away, and we only saw them a few times after that. This poor woman survived breast cancer, including a bone marrow transplant, only to suffer a massive stroke which left her in a nursing home for 15 years, unable to speak. Talk about getting robbed by the fates. Her husband visited her twice a day during all that time. She is finally set free, and so is he.

RIP, Sue.
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Old 07-22-2017, 07:31 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 30,334,400 times
Reputation: 28965
My condolences to you and your friend's family. I know she's a loss but after having endured so much, it's also a blessing. As you said, she's finally set free. It's the same with my wife and something to profoundly take comfort in.

You mentioned her talking about making dinner. The one thing my wife told all the many doctors she saw was that she wanted to be made well enough to stand up long enough to make a good dinner for me. Sadly it didn't happen that way. I did all the cooking for her last two years.
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Old 07-22-2017, 07:33 AM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
34,549 posts, read 42,724,437 times
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Thanks, Curmudgeon.
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Old 07-22-2017, 10:07 AM
 
Location: Midvale, Idaho
1,428 posts, read 2,253,741 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
This thread resonates with me today, as I heard of the death yesterday of an old friend. She was 11 years older than me, and was like a big sister. She was very funny, and down to earth. Our daily conversations always went the same way. They were about her kids, what they had for dinner, and what she planned to make for dinner that night. We met when we worked together. We car pooled and she and her husband, and my eventual husband went out socially together.

When they retired they moved away, and we only saw them a few times after that. This poor woman survived breast cancer, including a bone marrow transplant, only to suffer a massive stroke which left her in a nursing home for 15 years, unable to speak. Talk about getting robbed by the fates. Her husband visited her twice a day during all that time. She is finally set free, and so is he.

RIP, Sue.
So sorry Gentlearts. I can understand the grief and relief on this one. For you and her Hubby. Always sad but even sadder for her last 15 years. big hugs.
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Old 07-24-2017, 08:33 AM
 
2,251 posts, read 4,312,915 times
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I don't equate a person's grief and inability to let go of the person with the desire that they still be here in pain. They are two entirely different entities. Everything coexists when your spouse dies. You have no other choice. You are going to feel what you feel for however long you feel it. Everyone is different and experiences it in ways that others may not be able to understand, but then it's not anyone's place to try to understand the feelings of another. I say this as a relatively recent widow. There is no relief from grief. It may be less intense on some days or during some hours, but that does not mean it is no longer present.

After my spouse passed away, on a particular day when I was upset and having a really rough time, someone (stupidly) said to me, "Would you rather him still be here a shadow of himself, unable to take care of himself?" That's a clueless thing to say because crying and missing them does not equal the desire to have them still alive in pain, or unable to function.
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Old 07-24-2017, 08:41 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 30,334,400 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cleasach View Post
After my spouse passed away, on a particular day when I was upset and having a really rough time, someone (stupidly) said to me, "Would you rather him still be here a shadow of himself, unable to take care of himself?" That's a clueless thing to say because crying and missing them does not equal the desire to have them still alive in pain, or unable to function.
Exactly! I would love nothing more than to have my wife back with me again but decidedly not if it was accompanied by the searing pain she went through for so many years. I love her too much to wish that on her no matter how much I miss her. While would decidedly be up to being her 24/7 caregiver again, seeing her in agony and helplessness again would not be worth the price of admission. Like your husband, my wife is now in a better place, whole again, pain free and surrounded by love. For that I'm always thankful.
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Old 07-24-2017, 09:20 AM
 
2,251 posts, read 4,312,915 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
Exactly! I would love nothing more than to have my wife back with me again but decidedly not if it was accompanied by the searing pain she went through for so many years. I love her too much to wish that on her no matter how much I miss her. While would decidedly be up to being her 24/7 caregiver again, seeing her in agony and helplessness again would not be worth the price of admission. Like your husband, my wife is now in a better place, whole again, pain free and surrounded by love. For that I'm always thankful.
Isn't it just heartbreaking to say, she "is in a better place"? I believe my husband is too but thinking or saying that is just so bone crushingly sad to me even though it's so true.

I had another person-- whose husband is suffering from several ailments that make her life very difficult-- say "At least he went out with all of his faculties intact." I know that she did not mean it in a mean way. She was projecting her heartache at seeing her husband in pain and suffering, but those things hit you like a ton of bricks.

One of the most difficult things that I have had to deal with in addition to my grief and devastation is ignoring the things that people say. And some things are just doozies.
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Old 07-25-2017, 01:54 AM
 
1,040 posts, read 542,561 times
Reputation: 1609
"Well she/he lived a nice long life..."
This can be well intended but can land horribly on the grieving person.


Curmudgeon, your wife was blessed to have you.
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Old 07-25-2017, 11:08 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 30,334,400 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LiaLia View Post
Curmudgeon, your wife was blessed to have you.
Thank you, LaiLai, but it was decidedly a two-way street. I was honored to be able to care for her during her last years and blessed to have her in my life for 25. She was a remarkable, loving, selfless woman and enriched my life. I owe much of who I became during our marriage to her and her wisdom. She tamed, housebroke and gentled me and for that I'll be eternally grateful. There will never be another.
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