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Old 08-03-2017, 09:01 PM
 
3,962 posts, read 5,247,246 times
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Originally Posted by cleasach View Post

In my experience, people are unable to handle it when someone they know is grieving on such a deep level. They do not understand it at all and try their best to convince the bereaved that they should "go on" "s/he would want you to be happy" etc., etc. Saying, "I'm sorry you're having a rough day/time. I wish there was something I could do" means so much more to the grieving than "Don't let this keep you down," or things like that.
People who have not have this experience absolutely do not understand it. I say that because I have two friends who lost their husbands several years before I lost mine. I think I tried to be a good friend to them, but did I actually know what they were going through - me with my own beloved spouse safe and close? No, I did not. After I lost him, I went back to both and apologized for the fact that I really had not gotten it when it happened to them. They both said they did not expect me to. So I don't expect people who have not experienced this to "get it." When someone would say something inappropriate, I would either just smile and forget it or correct them, depending on how egregious their comment was. But in all cases, I knew I had to just forgive them immediately, since they are in a state of ignorance (as I was.)
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Old 08-04-2017, 07:17 AM
 
2,251 posts, read 4,311,198 times
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I am a little more than year and a half out and am not ready for suggestions to soldier on by others who have gotten over some hump that I have not yet reached. We all reach these places at different times and my only wish is that that is acknowledged and empathy is articulated rather than having a debate about what a person "should do" or at what point a person "should be" at any given time. It's weird. This is a grief board for people to come and talk about what they have lost and the sadness that comes with that. Everyone soldiers on at their own pace. I don't think they need a kick in the behind on the way because they might not be doing so at the pace that others expect or to be made to feel as though because they are someone's definition of behind in the process, that they have been sucked into a vortex from which they will never escape. I posted here initially to escape that sentiment from people that did not understand. Reading it from people who supposedly do understand is perplexing, to say the least.
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Old 08-04-2017, 10:25 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,840 posts, read 51,286,023 times
Reputation: 27647
Quote:
Originally Posted by cleasach View Post
I am a little more than year and a half out and am not ready for suggestions to soldier on by others who have gotten over some hump that I have not yet reached. We all reach these places at different times and my only wish is that that is acknowledged and empathy is articulated rather than having a debate about what a person "should do" or at what point a person "should be" at any given time. It's weird. This is a grief board for people to come and talk about what they have lost and the sadness that comes with that. Everyone soldiers on at their own pace. I don't think they need a kick in the behind on the way because they might not be doing so at the pace that others expect or to be made to feel as though because they are someone's definition of behind in the process, that they have been sucked into a vortex from which they will never escape. I posted here initially to escape that sentiment from people that did not understand. Reading it from people who supposedly do understand is perplexing, to say the least.
I am sorry that you are still having such intensity in your struggles. I don't ascribe to "should" as any enforcement of normality (whatever that is). My comments come more from a pragmatic viewpoint that there are certain ways of responding that become debilitating and spiral into depression and worse. I speak from personal experience on loss, and I speak from personal experience on severe depression, and I speak as one who cared for those institutionalized because of their depression. I have a very legitimate fear of people unwittingly falling into that. If you had my life experiences, you would immediately understand on a visceral level.

I had certain "advantages" in coping with the loss of my wife. I hate to use that word in that context, but it is true. Those advantages and a lot of hard work have helped me move forward faster than many.

"A kick in the behind" is a violent act. I don't do violent unless I am aggressed against and it is required to stop the aggression.

"Do not let a transition be the end for two people. Hold the energy of your lives and use the power of that to grow and help others." is in no way a "kick in the behind." If you take it as such, that is you talking to yourself, not me.
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