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Old 06-17-2017, 08:04 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 30,383,805 times
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Those may seem to be diametrically opposed to one another but I truly believe they can coexist. A case in point:

During the last four or so years before her death last month my wife suffered from excruciating pain from a horribly bad back and accompanying, searing sciatica. Opioid-based pain medicine in periodically increasing strengths, spinal steroid injections and even spinal surgery merely blunted the pain but barely and never on a sustained basis. It reached the point where the effectiveness of all medical interventions waned and no other interventions could reasonably be considered.

During those years my wife was essentially house-bound but for occasional medical appointments. I was her 24/7 caregiver and for both of us, quality of life suffered apace. In the end, she was 68 and I was just a hair's-breadth from 71. Needless to say, this was not how we envisioned our advancing years and retirements. Perhaps what was most difficult for me was the feeling and reality of helplessness to make it better for the woman I loved and adored so much.

Feeling so totally helpless I prayed often that this horrific pain be lifted from her offering to take it upon myself if it would relieve her. At the same time I always left it in God's hands and to his will in keeping with my personal faith and beliefs; and for those who will take exception to that, faith cannot be argued. It just is. Ultimately, my many prayers were answered and my wife is, indeed, pain-free and in a better place. Sometimes getting what you wish for has a strange, unanticipated twist to it. In this case it was my wife's death.

I continue to grieve the loss of my wife, my love, my companion, my partner in our marriage; this remarkably vibrant, intelligent, giving, caring and loving woman. I always will. At the same time I feel a profound sense of relief, not at release from my caregiving which I did gladly but for the realization that my wife has, indeed, been released from continued pain and anguish. It's a comforting balance.

I'll end my ramblings there. It's all just one man's/widower's thoughts and nothing more.
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Old 06-17-2017, 12:00 PM
 
Location: In a house
21,904 posts, read 20,929,744 times
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I love your share here. It is in so many ways thoughts I have had and felt but found myself unable to describe them the way you have so eloquently here. It's like you were taking the words from my heart. Thank you!
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Old 06-17-2017, 01:48 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
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Very nicely put. You might consider asking to change your user 'nym to "once a curmudgeon"
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Old 06-17-2017, 06:57 PM
 
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Yes, Curmudgeon, they can coexist. We miss our loved one desperately, but at the same time there is relief that they are no longer suffering. I hope you are doing okay even though I know you miss your beloved terribly. *Hugs*
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Old 06-17-2017, 11:26 PM
 
Location: Midvale, Idaho
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I also agree Curmudgeon. Beautifully said. And because we love them so much we can accept they are gone even though we really do miss them. I feel the same about my late husband. He had not reached the extent of pain your wife had but every day was uncomfortable for him. Even changing minute by minute. Some days much worse than others and the helpless feelings I had because I could not make it better no matter how hard I tried. I try now to remember the love we had for each other and the great times we had. I would say we used up our life together the best we could. Now I am in caretaker mode for myself. Not being selfish it is just time.
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Old 06-18-2017, 04:26 PM
 
Location: SW MO
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Many thanks to all of you for your kind words and you have my continued condolences for your losses. Think I'll stick with "Curmudgeon" because I certainly have my moments. But hugs are always nice!
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Old 06-20-2017, 07:51 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
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Very nicely put. I remember those moments when hubbie was in pain and so sick, sitting there thinking please let him die already and then chastising myself for having those thoughts.
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Old 06-20-2017, 11:54 AM
 
Location: Columbia SC
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Curm

I totally understand and feel the same way.
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Old 06-20-2017, 04:38 PM
 
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Curmudgeon, I completely understand. I lost my Mother to Alzheimer's recently, and it was a relief to see her released from an existence as a mute, curled up infant-like woman. That is not how she would want to be on this Earth and it was painful to me that she had to endure that in her remaining years. Yet at the same time I grieve that I will never see her sweet smile again.

It is certainly a conflict of feelings.
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Old 06-20-2017, 11:04 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
Many thanks to all of you for your kind words and you have my continued condolences for your losses. Think I'll stick with "Curmudgeon" because I certainly have my moments. But hugs are always nice!
Roger that. (((((Hug!))))) I can be a pretty huggy person. I'm female and was born decades ago. I have to be a huggy person. Not really, but I was just born that way.
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