A different take on grief and the grieving process.

[jonesg]

Originally Posted by Curmudgeon

I never read Huffpost but a dear friend emailed this link to me last night remarking that it seemed to mirror my own, recently expressed beliefs about grieving in the aftermath of the death of my beloved wife. In many ways, so it does. Therefore I thought it would share it. Perhaps others may see themselves and their grief processes in it, not confined to the ever popular, Kübler-Ross, five stages of grief model. I hope some take comfort in it and the realization that we all grieve differently and for different lengths of time. Best of all, we're allowed to.

Stifled Grief: How the West Has It Wrong | HuffPost

No need for psychobabble, see the beatitudes.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Its just that simple.

[Tallysmom]

At 58, I've lost a number of people and known a lot of people who lost people. One. One person who I feel is grieving in an unhealthy way, who can't move past it. It's unfortunate. She has lost friends, shutting every one out, refuses help....for 8 years. She's stuck in that horrific moment. Motorcycle accident.

But everyone else has processed, is processing...and everyone will process at one point or another.

I once snapped at someone who told someone to get over it. I told her that you don't get over a death. You get through it. I hold that as a truth.

[Sand&Salt]

I often think the old processes were better where a bereaved person was allowed a prescribed length of time---a year or more? Even the black dress stated to others that they were in a special condition that was respected. I doubt there were many expectations for them to "move on".


The mourning process was well-respected by society.

[shades_of_idaho]

Originally Posted by Frihed89

I've noticed that those who had a miserable relationship grieve more hopelessly than those who have had a happy relationship. I experienced that when my father died.

^^^^ Hummm not sure on this one at all and never will since we had a great 31+ years. Another take on it I guess.

[chiluvr1228]

Originally Posted by Sand&Salt

I often think the old processes were better where a bereaved person was allowed a prescribed length of time---a year or more? Even the black dress stated to others that they were in a special condition that was respected. I doubt there were many expectations for them to "move on".


The mourning process was well-respected by society.

Very true - unfortunately in today's society we are expected to "get over" everything in the time it takes to download a movie. In the case of a child dying I don't believe a parent ever gets over it. In my case I barely had time to grieve when I was diagnosed with breast cancer 8 months after my husband died. A part of me hoped I would die also but I didn't want to leave my sons, although they were 23 & 25 at the time. The other part of me was glad he was not alive to see me go through cancer as he was not strong like that. Sometimes, even now, 7 years after his death, when I talk about him I can feel the tears trying to force their way out.

[Curmudgeon]

I can identify with the leaking tears. I have them often. I remember such wonderful times with my wife. They never fail to make me smile but invariably, the tears follow because those good times can never be repeated or added to. It's heart-wrenching!

[Phil75230]

Originally Posted by The linked article

"Everyone who has been pushed into the grief box understands it’s confining limitations, but all of our collective voices together can’t seem to change the intense indignation of a society too emotionally stifled to speak the truth. It’s become easier to hide our emotional depth than to reveal our vulnerability and risk harsh judgment."

Which is an excellent argument in favor of society to stop judging harshly expressions of emotional grief - and a plethora of other thoughts and emotions, traits (but that last part's another topic). Mainstream society has been wrong about many matters before - so many, in fact, that I lost faith in popular mainstream society's opinions of anything (but that's another topic). I've had to unlearn this training from childhood (not my parents, but certainly from my school peers, the media, entertainment industry, and general society).

[sand and sea]

Thank you for posting that article and Nov3 thanks for making that comment about using the present tense. I have just suffered a big loss this morning and am helping to plan funeral, calling people etc. I happened to have a few minutes free and saw this post. Sent the article to other family members. I want to still use present tense and felt like people would think I was silly for doing it so I appreciate your comment Nov3. It is nice to see so many caring souls on this board.

[LaBuenaVida]

So sorry for the loss of your wife. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. It doesn't matter if someone died suddenly or died over a period of time - the impact is the same. And no, time doesn't heal all wounds. You never get over a great loss but eventually living without the person is your new norm, sad as that is.

[shades_of_idaho]

Originally Posted by sand and sea

Thank you for posting that article and Nov3 thanks for making that comment about using the present tense. I have just suffered a big loss this morning and am helping to plan funeral, calling people etc. I happened to have a few minutes free and saw this post. Sent the article to other family members. I want to still use present tense and felt like people would think I was silly for doing it so I appreciate your comment Nov3. It is nice to see so many caring souls on this board.

sand and sea. I am sorry. Take whatever minutes you possibly can to take care of you too. I also use the present tense. Whatever makes you feel comfortable. It is so hard to wrap your brain around to put our loved ones in the past tense in the blink of an eye. To us they still are and always will be.