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Old 09-09-2017, 10:19 PM
 
396 posts, read 144,169 times
Reputation: 817

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Someone who meant a lot to me just passed away. We had an affair many years ago. I stayed married, she didn't. Through the years we talked occasionally, even though I knew I should not have continued communicating. We always had a special connection, just did not end up as a couple. I was told of her passing, and my wife had little to say about it. I am mourning her passing, yet cannot discuss any of it with the person I live with. I have spoken to several mutual friends about this woman, but I am not really able to have a heartfelt conversation at home. I do not have any friends who live near me who knew this woman, or who know of our past.

I don't expect my wife to shed any tears, but holding all this in is really affecting me. I guess I need a good cry, but cannot really allow myself that either. I am not sure what anyone can say that will help, but I guess I just needed to express my thoughts.
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Old 09-11-2017, 04:58 PM
 
608 posts, read 295,700 times
Reputation: 1458
Yes, I can imagine it would be difficult to express how you feel. It must have been very hurtful to your wife when you brought up this woman (who you obviously never really left, emotionally). She is probably very keenly aware of the grief you feel, even if you think you are hiding it.

I think a grief counselor would be very beneficial for you. Hospitals and churches can help you find one. If you are working, some employers offer benefit hotlines that can put you in touch with someone. There are grief support groups as well, although you may have trouble finding a group audience who can sympathize with your position. A one-on-one session would probably be more productive.
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Old 09-12-2017, 12:38 AM
 
Location: New Mexico
5,097 posts, read 2,913,065 times
Reputation: 9408
The forum has been quiet on your thread and I don't know that anyone here could help you both more than a qualified counselor. There seems to be an elephant in the room and you and the person you live with need to decide what to do about it. Even without the relationship complications it could take a very long time to deal with this loss and a professional might make things easier.
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Old 09-12-2017, 10:27 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,838 posts, read 51,286,023 times
Reputation: 27642
I'm pretty proud of the way the posters here have been quiet on this thread and subject. The constellation of issues is complex, the potential for a lot of the issues to be far far too private and deep for a forum does call for restraint. I'm especially proud of those who might be triggered by the word "affair" and tempted to post hurtful words through anonymity. The forum is about support and guidance, and those negative words could damage the forum itself.

A situation like this cries out for a real professional counselor in private practice, one who has had the training and introspection to understand and not allow personal biases to interfere with the process.

Why do I stress the private practice? Because in group practice, many of the counselors do NOT have full qualifications and training, but are working under the supposed supervision of the head of the group. Private practice in most states requires a doctoral degree and a massive amount of knowledge, as I am reminded of daily simply by looking at the huge library my wife amassed.
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Old 09-13-2017, 11:44 AM
 
9,651 posts, read 7,629,801 times
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Write your lost love a letter, then visit her grave and bury it. Leave her favorite flowers there as well. Talk to her as you bury the letter, tell her what she meant to you and that you wish her peace. Tell her you'll be okay.

Then say good bye, and return to your wife.

Give her a hug and thank her for standing by you through thick and thin. You do not need to tell her of your cemetery visit - but remind yourself of why you married your wife, what her best qualities are, and do your best to make your marriage stronger.
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Old 09-13-2017, 12:13 PM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
17,330 posts, read 3,528,493 times
Reputation: 22580
Nicely said, harry chickpea.

Completely agree...private, professional counseling sounds best to me too.

Your loss
and pain is not to be discounted based on circumstances.


[/b]
Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
I'm pretty proud of the way the posters here have been quiet on this thread and subject. The constellation of issues is complex, the potential for a lot of the issues to be far far too private and deep for a forum does call for restraint. I'm especially proud of those who might be triggered by the word "affair" and tempted to post hurtful words through anonymity. The forum is about support and guidance, and those negative words could damage the forum itself.

A situation like this cries out for a real professional counselor in private practice, one who has had the training and introspection to understand and not allow personal biases to interfere with the process.

Why do I stress the private practice? Because in group practice, many of the counselors do NOT have full qualifications and training, but are working under the supposed supervision of the head of the group. Private practice in most states requires a doctoral degree and a massive amount of knowledge, as I am reminded of daily simply by looking at the huge library my wife amassed.
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Old 09-13-2017, 08:33 PM
AFP
 
6,062 posts, read 3,622,558 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Annino View Post
Someone who meant a lot to me just passed away. We had an affair many years ago. I stayed married, she didn't. Through the years we talked occasionally, even though I knew I should not have continued communicating. We always had a special connection, just did not end up as a couple. I was told of her passing, and my wife had little to say about it. I am mourning her passing, yet cannot discuss any of it with the person I live with. I have spoken to several mutual friends about this woman, but I am not really able to have a heartfelt conversation at home. I do not have any friends who live near me who knew this woman, or who know of our past.

I don't expect my wife to shed any tears, but holding all this in is really affecting me. I guess I need a good cry, but cannot really allow myself that either. I am not sure what anyone can say that will help, but I guess I just needed to express my thoughts.
I read your post and feel compassion for your loss.
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Old 09-13-2017, 09:25 PM
 
4,826 posts, read 2,142,556 times
Reputation: 12289
Quote:
Originally Posted by greatblueheron View Post
Nicely said, harry chickpea.

Completely agree...private, professional counseling sounds best to me too.

Your loss
and pain is not to be discounted based on circumstances
.


[/b]
Bold is such wisdom and compassion.

OP- Write here if you wish of your feelings or memories....they are a part of your life story.. and her life. we'll respect that.
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Old 09-14-2017, 01:57 AM
 
396 posts, read 144,169 times
Reputation: 817
Thank you all for the kind words and compassion. It really does help just to have contact with sincere people. I am still in the ' hard to accept ' phase of mourning, but this has, at least for now, helped me breath a little easier. Thanks again.
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Old 09-14-2017, 05:11 AM
 
5,407 posts, read 3,382,449 times
Reputation: 20422
For many years I had unrequited feelings for someone I used to work with. I was single; his wife had left him for another man. The last time I saw him he asked me out to dinner for the purpose of soliciting advice on getting his wife back. Actually, I think he was just lonely.

I told him I didn't think it was a good idea to run after her, that people are more appealing when they don't appear desperate. He was taken aback by this. Shocked, even.

Nothing ever happened between us. It was complicated.

A decade later I saw his obituary. He was only 48. Apparently he had succeeded in reuniting with his wife as it said they had been married for 17 years.

The hell of it was this: He had died the day I was getting on a cruise ship with my SO. His funeral occurred while I was still out of the country. I knew none of this until later. But I was still as hung up on him as I had been when we'd worked together. And I could not tell my SO any of this. He would never, ever understand, even though my infatuation long predated our relationship.

So I never got a chance to grieve or connect with any of the other people we both knew from long ago. Every day for two years I would get in my car and drive to a place where I could mourn in secret. I considered a condolence note or visit to his widow but how could I do that when the last conversation we'd had was me telling him he should let her go?

What I really wanted to know was how he died and I certainly couldn't ask that either. He had talked about suicide often, in a matter-of-fact way that I found disturbing. A former co-worker hinted in email that he had taken his own life. Another had said he had had a terminal illness. I finally gave up thinking about it. He's gone.

So I think I understand a little of what the OP's going through. It is tough to grieve and not be able to tell anyone.
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