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Old 09-11-2017, 02:57 PM
 
394 posts, read 223,541 times
Reputation: 800

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Quote:
Originally Posted by tessie425 View Post
Hi all

I just had an experience with a so-called "friend" but I'm not sure if I'm just being too sensitive.

I have a very sick family member in ICU..and this is someone I'm very close to.

I had told this friend about the situation and he knew I was stressed and sad about it...but then days passed and I didn't even get an inquiry from him. I know he was fine too, mutual friends saw him out and about at a party etc..

So I sent a message basically saying I was offended he didn't even ask how my family member was doing and he kind of blew me off saying he hopes she is ok, but more or less leave me alone...(not actual words but similar).

I am really upset about this, so I've basically cut him out of my life. He hasn't made one attempt to reach out either.

My question is, did I overreact, or blow it out of proportion? I think it would be common courtesy to reach out and ask a friend how a family member is doing if they were very sick, or do I just expect too much.
Couple of thoughts:

#1. Yes, you overreacted.

#2. Did your friend know the person in ICU? If not, what did you want him to say or do?

#3. Is it possible that the offending friend has stress in his life that prevented him from being as sensitive as you thought he should've been? (Of course it is) Just because you're having a crisis doesn't mean that it's his crisis. . . .it's also doesn't mean that he is not a friend. It just means that everybody has stuff going on that could prevent them from responding in a way that you think they should. Sound like you attacked him before understanding his situation.

#4. When you say that no attempt was made to reach out, what were you expecting? Cookies and milk, a hug? He said that he hoped that your friend is ok. Based on your story, his reaction sounds reasonable to me.
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Old 09-11-2017, 03:09 PM
 
9,254 posts, read 7,284,180 times
Reputation: 22705
Yes, you did overreact. Your loved one is important to you. Not to your friend. Your friend probably doesn't even know this person.
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Old 09-11-2017, 03:17 PM
 
5,046 posts, read 597,010 times
Reputation: 13098

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzJs5qxoXtk

(Not to make light of your situation, OP, but just to illustrate a general truth.)
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Old 09-11-2017, 03:18 PM
 
Location: Canada
5,796 posts, read 2,151,295 times
Reputation: 5192
Quote:
Originally Posted by tessie425 View Post
Hi all

I just had an experience with a so-called "friend" but I'm not sure if I'm just being too sensitive.

I have a very sick family member in ICU..and this is someone I'm very close to.

I had told this friend about the situation and he knew I was stressed and sad about it...but then days passed and I didn't even get an inquiry from him. I know he was fine too, mutual friends saw him out and about at a party etc..

So I sent a message basically saying I was offended he didn't even ask how my family member was doing and he kind of blew me off saying he hopes she is ok, but more or less leave me alone...(not actual words but similar).

I am really upset about this, so I've basically cut him out of my life. He hasn't made one attempt to reach out either.

My question is, did I overreact, or blow it out of proportion? I think it would be common courtesy to reach out and ask a friend how a family member is doing if they were very sick, or do I just expect too much.
As you age.. it will become more and more apparent just which friends are "Good Times ones" (social/empathetic lacking) and the " Have your back ones" In the Old days we called it "Fair Weather Friends who were great as long as they didn't get any demands on them emotionally. It doesn't take a long time to weed out the "Wheat from the Chaff" IF you take the time to notice it!

That doesn't mean you have to go OUT of your way to harass these types.. It's just to learn to never count on these acquaintances for anything other than "Fun times"!! Thus the Term " FAIR WEATHER" friends!!
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Old 09-11-2017, 04:36 PM
 
608 posts, read 295,700 times
Reputation: 1458
From what you have shared, I have gathered:

--You don't know your friend as well as you thought.
--Which means they probably have ***** going on in their life that you don't know about.
--Which means they may not have the emotional strength to be your support right now.
--You probably also don't know this person well enough to know what has gone on in their past, and things you have unloaded on them may be bringing up a lot of emotional issues that they are not prepared to deal with, on top of your issues.
--Your friend doesn't even know this relative of yours.
--You expected this friend to become so closely involved in the unknown relative that they would stay in contact more frequently than every few days, about just that one particular topic going on in your life.
--When you don't like something someone has done, you confront them by accusing them....via text message, which is a very immature and passive-aggressive way of dealing with conflict.
--When you don't like their defense to your attack, you cut people out of your life as punishment.

So......yes, you overreacted.

I get that this situation with your family member is very stressful and probably consuming all of your thoughts. But the world hasn't tipped on its axis to revolve around you. It hasn't stopped spinning either.

Do you have to abandon all expectations of other people? No, that's pretty extreme and unnecessary. But you do have to stop expecting the world to revolve around you. And you have to stop treating people like they have to perfectly live up to your expectations in order to be in your life.

You are disappointed in your friend......they are probably disappointed in you too. Maybe after this situation has died down some, you can reach out to them and apologize for getting so worked up, and listen to them for a change. You might be able to rebuild the friendship.
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Old 09-11-2017, 04:43 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,468 posts, read 15,905,878 times
Reputation: 38730
Over the last few years my husband, of 40 years, has been in and out of intensive care numerous times. In fact, there have been times that he has been in intensive care and I have not even called our adult children to let them know (one lives 2,000 miles away and the other lives 6,500 miles away) as I correctly assumed that he would be out of intensive care, and in a regular hospital room, within a few days. So, instead of worrying them needlessly I would let them know later.

IMHO, yes, you probably over-reacted if you cut off a friend who did not contact you to ask about your loved one
. But, it was pretty tacky of him to tell you to "leave him alone." Are you absolutely sure that is what he meant?

Is this the first time that you ever had a loved one in intensive care?

Now, it would have been different if you had told your friend "My Mom/Husband/Sister/Child/Whoever is in intensive care and may die. I am so worried." That adds a level of seriousness far deeper than "just" being in intensive care. But, if you are still able to go to work each day I doubt if that was the case.

I am so sorry that your loved one is ill. And, I know that you are in pain, but IMHO, you may have over reacted.

Last edited by germaine2626; 09-11-2017 at 04:55 PM..
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Old 09-11-2017, 04:51 PM
 
Location: NYC
2,490 posts, read 3,812,423 times
Reputation: 2138
Interesting posts

Last edited by jen5276; 09-11-2017 at 05:46 PM..
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Old 09-11-2017, 05:09 PM
 
608 posts, read 295,700 times
Reputation: 1458
Quote:
Originally Posted by jen5276 View Post
He only said he hoped she was ok after I asked him where he had been..

I was just expecting a text maybe saying how is your grandmother doing...etc. that's it. She is 96 and no he doesn't know her but he knows me and he knew how upset I was
Frankly, it also sounds like you are being unreasonable about the situation with your grandmother.

The subtext of your initial post as well as your many subsequent rebuttals is that you are really shocked and blown away by this sudden health crisis. But she's 96. Of course she's frail and probably has numerous health issues. If she hasn't she would be in the very, very, very tiny minority of people on this earth--something you should be celebrating, if it's true.

I realize that she's probably been around so long that you can't imagine life without her in it. I'm not saying kick her into her grave, but you really need to come to grips with the fact that she's not immortal.

How many times have you called up your friends to ask how their grandparents are doing? My guess is, not very often. It sounds like you are expecting more from your friend than you give.
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Old 09-11-2017, 05:35 PM
 
Location: Midvale, Idaho
1,428 posts, read 2,252,516 times
Reputation: 1826
One little thing in this I am not seeing mentioned is ... Many times others can not handle sickness. It makes then see their own mortality. WE had friends around a lot more before hubby got cancer. When he was sick no one came around . Only his very best friends and only a few times over the almost 4 years. I do not really understand it but saw it and have heard it happening to other caretakers. Maybe people do not want to deal with the sadness and worry of an impending death. Many people "his friends" live within a mile or even blocks and could have just stopped in for even 5 minutes but they never did. Were they already dissociating themselves from him because they knew he was dying. Maybe they did not know what to say? All I know is it happens.

Sorry about your Grandmother. They are always so special in our hearts.
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Old 09-11-2017, 05:42 PM
 
Location: NYC
2,490 posts, read 3,812,423 times
Reputation: 2138
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarianRavenwood View Post
Frankly, it also sounds like you are being unreasonable about the situation with your grandmother.

The subtext of your initial post as well as your many subsequent rebuttals is that you are really shocked and blown away by this sudden health crisis. But she's 96. Of course she's frail and probably has numerous health issues. If she hasn't she would be in the very, very, very tiny minority of people on this earth--something you should be celebrating, if it's true.

I realize that she's probably been around so long that you can't imagine life without her in it. I'm not saying kick her into her grave, but you really need to come to grips with the fact that she's not immortal.

How many times have you called up your friends to ask how their grandparents are doing? My guess is, not very often. It sounds like you are expecting more from your friend than you give.
Well I know this...if his or any of my friends grandmother, or mother etc was in the hospital...I would inquire...but that is just me
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