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Old 09-11-2017, 05:49 PM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
32,828 posts, read 41,124,889 times
Reputation: 53813

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I do not think you are wrong. It does not matter if your friend knows the person you are worried about. It's about your feelings, and that person's care for you.

I've had something similar just happen. I was shocked at how many "friends" have not even inquired about how we made out during the current hurricane. The tried and true friends, and some of the children did, but I expected a lot more. This is info I will file away, for sure.
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Old 09-11-2017, 05:59 PM
 
Location: Canada
5,664 posts, read 2,003,983 times
Reputation: 4942
Quote:
Originally Posted by jen5276 View Post
Well I know this...if his or any of my friends grandmother, or mother etc was in the hospital...I would inquire...but that is just me
I'm with you jen... I am so surprised that so many want to judge the Op on her question... I'm willing to bet she's younger and lacks understanding on how people CAN respond to emotional challenges. Men, unfortunately may lack that "Empathy" trait or because of zero past experience on how to respond makes no difference. The one friend OP references obviously has had ZERO influencencial experience to LEARN just what "Empathy" means...

I for one would never.. ever JUDGE the OP for asking... Over-reacting?? NOPE.. The question asked simply is to get some insight into the why's and hows and all those questions younger people want to understand!! Actually I find such judgemental posts are rather more hurtful than helpful! Blogging my young people look for idea's or input from more experienced ones.. BUT as soon AS I read JUDGEMENT it says more about that poster than it does about the OP question!!1

Please OP.. Learn life lessons as you progress in Life .. I used the term "Life Path" and YES.. over my rears got taken aback and surprised by some attitudes or reactions.. BUT in the end.. THAT learning curve will enable you to FIGURE IT all out!! That means just who you can TRUST and those who may be fun and great to celebrate etc etc.. It's the one's ( and sorry to say.. they are FEW and FAR between) who "SYAND BY YOU" are going to be the one's you will treasure throughout your LIFE!!

Good Luck OP!! Prayers for your Grandmother <<hearts>>
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Old 09-11-2017, 06:31 PM
 
3,510 posts, read 1,015,123 times
Reputation: 3857
Yes, you're over-reacting. Sorry.

Most people, and especially men, shy away from this kind of thing. I notice that you don't say he's your bosom buddy, so you can't reasonably expect more of him.

In general, most people will not live up to your ideal of how they should sympathetically respond in times of stress or tragedy. There's no point in badgering them about it. It's just a disappointing part of life.
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Old 09-11-2017, 07:34 PM
 
4,274 posts, read 1,831,207 times
Reputation: 10904
Nope! You have "standards" and they deserve regarded and valued.

Expectations are different....

So hold your head up as you did right by removing yourself from this quasi friend relationship.

Wish more folks would show compassion for others....or be a bit more atune to their needs....
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Old 09-11-2017, 09:20 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,308 posts, read 9,646,922 times
Reputation: 20415
Quote:
Originally Posted by tessie425 View Post
Hi all

I just had an experience with a so-called "friend" but I'm not sure if I'm just being too sensitive.

I have a very sick family member in ICU..and this is someone I'm very close to.

I had told this friend about the situation and he knew I was stressed and sad about it...but then days passed and I didn't even get an inquiry from him. I know he was fine too, mutual friends saw him out and about at a party etc..

So I sent a message basically saying I was offended he didn't even ask how my family member was doing and he kind of blew me off saying he hopes she is ok, but more or less leave me alone...(not actual words but similar).

I am really upset about this, so I've basically cut him out of my life. He hasn't made one attempt to reach out either.

My question is, did I overreact, or blow it out of proportion? I think it would be common courtesy to reach out and ask a friend how a family member is doing if they were very sick, or do I just expect too much.
I think you totally blew this out of proportion. If you cut everyone out of your life who doesn't about your friends/family, you're going to be a VERY LONELY person. Definitely expecting too much.

There are plenty of days I don't ask my husband about work and he doesn't ask about my job. We don't ask about each other's family and friends all that often either. We've been married for over 21 years so clearly we're doing something right!
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Old 09-11-2017, 09:28 PM
 
Location: USA
2,171 posts, read 560,826 times
Reputation: 3052
Quote:
Originally Posted by charlygal View Post
Yes, you did overreact. Your loved one is important to you. Not to your friend. Your friend probably doesn't even know this person.
Agree with this.

And it's NOT a gender thing, as some are saying.
There are sensitive men and there are plenty of thoughtless women.
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Old 09-11-2017, 09:37 PM
 
35,123 posts, read 36,440,363 times
Reputation: 61734
Well OP, amazingly enough everyone's life does not revolve arounde you and your family.
In all honesty I would have said something when you initially told me about the sick relative but would probably not have mentioned it after that.
Simply because I am waiting to find out if my Mother has to have open heart surgery which is much more important in my world than your sick relative.
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Old 09-11-2017, 09:46 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,488 posts, read 49,828,217 times
Reputation: 26491
I understand that people want to give opinions here, and have life experience that can be valuable to share. That said, none of us know the exact situation or people involved other than the OP. Please be wary of giving or stating absolutes.

What I see creeping in are traces of condemnation, in the guise of offering advice. If you feel the OP condemned her friend unjustly, you don't set a real good example of better ways of handling relationships by doing the same to her, do you?

Please note the theme of this forum is different than others, meant to offer support and guidance, and to AVOID castigation. I know it can be tough to not speak strongly, I can rip posts to shreds with the best of 'em, but even if your opinion is strong, there can be gentle ways of expressing it.

Written by a sensitive man who does think it is in part a gender thing...
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Old 09-11-2017, 09:53 PM
 
Location: Stevenson Ranch, CA
345 posts, read 688,366 times
Reputation: 472
Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
I do not think you are wrong. It does not matter if your friend knows the person you are worried about. It's about your feelings, and that person's care for you.

I've had something similar just happen. I was shocked at how many "friends" have not even inquired about how we made out during the current hurricane. The tried and true friends, and some of the children did, but I expected a lot more. This is info I will file away, for sure.

I was so surprised tonight when a guy texted my husband to ask if his in-laws (MY parents and brother/family) were safe and if their houses were ok in Florida after the hurricane. These guys used to work together and remained good friends but still. . . for him to remember that his friend's wife's family lived in Florida and care enough to text tonight to ask meant alot to me.

Yet I don't expect anyone to ask if they are ok, if that makes sense. And the OP's situation - if he/she had added that they were super concerned about their relative, maybe the friend would've responded differently? It's hard when someone you think is a friend who is bonded with you doesn't reach out when you need them - yet if they don't know you need them. . . I dunno.

Whoever said upthread that people don't always (don't usually, even?) act or respond the way we expect them to is spot on.

OP, my best wishes to your family member and to you while you are dealing with this situation.
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Old 09-11-2017, 10:41 PM
 
4,712 posts, read 2,902,644 times
Reputation: 17790
Quote:
Originally Posted by tessie425 View Post
Hi all

I just had an experience with a so-called "friend" but I'm not sure if I'm just being too sensitive.

I have a very sick family member in ICU..and this is someone I'm very close to.

I had told this friend about the situation and he knew I was stressed and sad about it...but then days passed and I didn't even get an inquiry from him. I know he was fine too, mutual friends saw him out and about at a party etc..

So I sent a message basically saying I was offended he didn't even ask how my family member was doing and he kind of blew me off saying he hopes she is ok, but more or less leave me alone...(not actual words but similar).

I am really upset about this, so I've basically cut him out of my life. He hasn't made one attempt to reach out either.

My question is, did I overreact, or blow it out of proportion? I think it would be common courtesy to reach out and ask a friend how a family member is doing if they were very sick, or do I just expect too much.
I'm going to ask a delicate question: Did you have any other emotional support available to you or were you thinking you'd be able to lean on your friend?

If you counted on him being there because you had no one else to turn to, I can see where that would lead to anger and disappointment, particularly if you didn't communicate your need for support but assumed he views friendships in the same light as you.

It is difficult to be on the other side of the fence, by the way. I have a friend whose father is dying and while I know I need to make that phone call, I'm terrified I'll say something insensitive.
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