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Old 09-12-2017, 06:57 AM
 
237 posts, read 497,029 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
I'm going to ask a delicate question: Did you have any other emotional support available to you or were you thinking you'd be able to lean on your friend?

If you counted on him being there because you had no one else to turn to, I can see where that would lead to anger and disappointment, particularly if you didn't communicate your need for support but assumed he views friendships in the same light as you.

It is difficult to be on the other side of the fence, by the way. I have a friend whose father is dying and while I know I need to make that phone call, I'm terrified I'll say something insensitive.

Oh yes, I have other support. I guess I was just surprised at this one particular person, because I had expected more of him....
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Old 09-12-2017, 07:02 AM
 
237 posts, read 497,029 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
I think you totally blew this out of proportion. If you cut everyone out of your life who doesn't about your friends/family, you're going to be a VERY LONELY person. Definitely expecting too much.

There are plenty of days I don't ask my husband about work and he doesn't ask about my job. We don't ask about each other's family and friends all that often either. We've been married for over 21 years so clearly we're doing something right!
Well of course lol. Same here, I don't ask my significant other their job or family every day either, but the circumstances are a bit different here wouldn't you say?
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Old 09-12-2017, 07:51 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tessie425 View Post
Well of course lol. Same here, I don't ask my significant other their job or family every day either, but the circumstances are a bit different here wouldn't you say?
No I wouldn't say it's different. I would not expect a friend to check on my family. Seems like you're expecting far too much from a friend. Do you ask about your friends' family often? Some people find it being nosey. Others find it uncomfortable. I certainly wouldn't cut someone out of my life for not asking about a family member.
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Old 09-12-2017, 07:59 AM
 
237 posts, read 497,029 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
No I wouldn't say it's different. I would not expect a friend to check on my family. Seems like you're expecting far too much from a friend. Do you ask about your friends' family often? Some people find it being nosey. Others find it uncomfortable. I certainly wouldn't cut someone out of my life for not asking about a family member.

I certainly would ask if that family member was in the hospital in critical condition. Totally different than a general "hey how's mom doing" type of question
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Old 09-12-2017, 08:27 AM
Status: "Undeclared" (set 6 days ago)
 
Location: Posting from my space yacht.
6,434 posts, read 2,411,574 times
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I tend to give people a pass when it comes to death or grave illness "manners". It's a stressful thing and some people just don't know how to react. He may have thought he would be butting in on you at a private time or that you'd be too overwhelmed to want to deal with him at that time and chose to keep his distance. Then when you reacted by being offended, he got defensive or decided he REALLY needed to keep his distance since anything he did or didn't do was going to set you off. If you want to continue being friends with him I'd wait until the situation is well behind you and the emotions are less raw and talk to him about it then.
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Old 09-12-2017, 08:29 AM
 
237 posts, read 497,029 times
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Originally Posted by Uncle Bully View Post
I tend to give people a pass when it comes to death or grave illness "manners". It's a stressful thing and some people just don't know how to react. He may have thought he would be butting in on you at a private time or that you'd be too overwhelmed to want to deal with him at that time and chose to keep his distance. Then when you reacted by being offended, he got defensive or decided he REALLY needed to keep his distance since anything he did or didn't do was going to set you off. If you want to continue being friends with him I'd wait until the situation is well behind you and the emotions are less raw and talk to him about it then.

Makes sense..thanks. Totally possible that he felt that way, I know I got a bit aggressive with him, so that is why I sent the message apologizing and basically just said I hope no hard feelings. I don't expect to resume a real friendship with him, but didn't want it to be weird if we ran into each other.
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Old 09-12-2017, 08:32 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tessie425 View Post
Oh yes, I have other support. I guess I was just surprised at this one particular person, because I had expected more of him....
Perhaps you should have told him your expectations of you being friends with him.
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Old 09-12-2017, 09:50 AM
 
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I think you need to dial it way back. Some people don't have the gift of knowing how to reach out. Some people don't know what to say and fear making it worse. Some people simply get distracted by their own mountains of personal crap.

I'm going through a hell of a time right now. My elderly father, who has worsening dementia, was just moved to assisted living and has what appears to be a developing kidney problem. I have occasionally severe anxiety and depression issues. I'm not ticking off names on my list as to who has reached out and who hasn't. I'm grateful for the support I'm getting (including from people here on C-D that I have never even met in person), but I'm not EXPECTING it from anyone. In fact, my two lifelong best friends have been kind of useless when it comes to moral support - it's just not their forte AT ALL. I'm not going to let that damage my relationship with them at all. They have been invaluable to my support system with other issues that have come up - I dont expect them to be great at all things.

It seems to me that you are cutting off your nose to spite your face. You are OWED nothing from your friends, but maybe you should consider what their strengths are and how they have supported you in the past or just added to your happiness in general before putting someone at a distance simply because they didn't follow the guidelines in your head. Presumably, if he was close to you, he had other redeeming traits that made you consider him important in your life. They're all erased now because he's not a human Swiss Army knife?
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Old 09-12-2017, 10:00 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,305 posts, read 9,915,485 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tessie425 View Post
I certainly would ask if that family member was in the hospital in critical condition. Totally different than a general "hey how's mom doing" type of question
That's you. Many people are not like that. Many people also want their privacy. I'm one of those people who doesn't ask because I feel that it's none of my business. If you wanted to talk, I'd be ok with it unless you started sobbing. I've been in that situation and it's reallllllly awkward when someone completely breaks down.
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Old 09-12-2017, 10:44 AM
 
237 posts, read 497,029 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
I think you need to dial it way back. Some people don't have the gift of knowing how to reach out. Some people don't know what to say and fear making it worse. Some people simply get distracted by their own mountains of personal crap.

I'm going through a hell of a time right now. My elderly father, who has worsening dementia, was just moved to assisted living and has what appears to be a developing kidney problem. I have occasionally severe anxiety and depression issues. I'm not ticking off names on my list as to who has reached out and who hasn't. I'm grateful for the support I'm getting (including from people here on C-D that I have never even met in person), but I'm not EXPECTING it from anyone. In fact, my two lifelong best friends have been kind of useless when it comes to moral support - it's just not their forte AT ALL. I'm not going to let that damage my relationship with them at all. They have been invaluable to my support system with other issues that have come up - I dont expect them to be great at all things.

It seems to me that you are cutting off your nose to spite your face. You are OWED nothing from your friends, but maybe you should consider what their strengths are and how they have supported you in the past or just added to your happiness in general before putting someone at a distance simply because they didn't follow the guidelines in your head. Presumably, if he was close to you, he had other redeeming traits that made you consider him important in your life. They're all erased now because he's not a human Swiss Army knife?
Very well put, thank you.
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