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Old 09-12-2017, 10:46 AM
 
Location: Austin
10,414 posts, read 5,809,931 times
Reputation: 11315

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Quote:
Originally Posted by tessie425 View Post
Hi all

I just had an experience with a so-called "friend" but I'm not sure if I'm just being too sensitive.

I have a very sick family member in ICU..and this is someone I'm very close to.

I had told this friend about the situation and he knew I was stressed and sad about it...but then days passed and I didn't even get an inquiry from him. I know he was fine too, mutual friends saw him out and about at a party etc..

So I sent a message basically saying I was offended he didn't even ask how my family member was doing and he kind of blew me off saying he hopes she is ok, but more or less leave me alone...(not actual words but similar).

I am really upset about this, so I've basically cut him out of my life. He hasn't made one attempt to reach out either.

My question is, did I overreact, or blow it out of proportion? I think it would be common courtesy to reach out and ask a friend how a family member is doing if they were very sick, or do I just expect too much.
Many people don't know what to do in such a difficult situation. He may just be feeling inadequate to help and uncertain what to say. He could also be an uncaring jerk. Too soon to tell. Don't be too hard on him.
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Old 09-12-2017, 11:09 AM
 
Location: AZ
496 posts, read 254,593 times
Reputation: 1979
I think we overestimate how deep friendship goes. We are a shallow Facebook culture. I have lots of "friends" but only two in reality. I expect nothing from my two friends and absolutely nothing from all others. Never quid pro quo with absolute friends.
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Old 09-12-2017, 11:48 AM
 
227 posts, read 477,966 times
Reputation: 145
Quote:
Originally Posted by texan2yankee View Post
Many people don't know what to do in such a difficult situation. He may just be feeling inadequate to help and uncertain what to say. He could also be an uncaring jerk. Too soon to tell. Don't be too hard on him.
I guess I will see if he ever reaches out again, then take it from there.
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Old 09-12-2017, 12:11 PM
 
262 posts, read 293,935 times
Reputation: 633
Quote:
Originally Posted by tessie425 View Post
Hi all

I just had an experience with a so-called "friend" but I'm not sure if I'm just being too sensitive.

I have a very sick family member in ICU..and this is someone I'm very close to.

I had told this friend about the situation and he knew I was stressed and sad about it...but then days passed and I didn't even get an inquiry from him. I know he was fine too, mutual friends saw him out and about at a party etc..

So I sent a message basically saying I was offended he didn't even ask how my family member was doing and he kind of blew me off saying he hopes she is ok, but more or less leave me alone...(not actual words but similar).

I am really upset about this, so I've basically cut him out of my life. He hasn't made one attempt to reach out either.

My question is, did I overreact, or blow it out of proportion? I think it would be common courtesy to reach out and ask a friend how a family member is doing if they were very sick, or do I just expect too much.
Tessie,

That guy is not a *true* friend. He is all about him, and he CAN be all about you, when it is convenient for him and easy for him and requires no thought on his part whatsoever.

Please don't text or bother with this guy again. You now can see how he is. And he has not reached back to you with an apology...

Move along... kick that piece of trash to the curb. Lots more guys out there for you!

BUT going forward... please do not assume that people who say they are "friends" actually give a damn. You are really presuming a lot. Many "friends" are superficial and you really put him on the spot by texting him and asking him why he didn't ask about your family member (READ: NEEDY).

You don't want that. Neediness and expecting too much are huge turn offs. If a friend is really into you, he or she will automatically think of you and contact you during a painful time when he/she knows you need comfort...

Dial it back, but kick that dude to the side. Not a friend and certainly not a guy you want to date.
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Old 09-12-2017, 12:45 PM
 
227 posts, read 477,966 times
Reputation: 145
Quote:
Originally Posted by Turbogyrl View Post
Tessie,

That guy is not a *true* friend. He is all about him, and he CAN be all about you, when it is convenient for him and easy for him and requires no thought on his part whatsoever.

Please don't text or bother with this guy again. You now can see how he is. And he has not reached back to you with an apology...

Move along... kick that piece of trash to the curb. Lots more guys out there for you!

BUT going forward... please do not assume that people who say they are "friends" actually give a damn. You are really presuming a lot. Many "friends" are superficial and you really put him on the spot by texting him and asking him why he didn't ask about your family member (READ: NEEDY).

You don't want that. Neediness and expecting too much are huge turn offs. If a friend is really into you, he or she will automatically think of you and contact you during a painful time when he/she knows you need comfort...

Dial it back, but kick that dude to the side. Not a friend and certainly not a guy you want to date.

LOL oh we never dated, nothing of the sort (I'm with someone else) but I see what you mean 100% and tend to agree with you.

I have gotten some really interesting responses here, goes to show how everyone thinks differently, that's what I was curious to know, like is my thinking so out of whack that I feel this is inappropriate and not nice of him?

Either way, glad I posted and got to see people's viewpoints.
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Old 09-12-2017, 03:35 PM
Status: "..." (set 28 days ago)
 
1,076 posts, read 419,711 times
Reputation: 2555
I think you (the OP) handled it fine. You found out this person wasn't a "true friend", if he had been he would have apologized to you for not inquiring. The majority of "friends" are good time friends. Only true friends will be with you when the chips are down.
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Old 09-12-2017, 03:40 PM
 
4,237 posts, read 2,608,115 times
Reputation: 10214
This reminds me of a man I know who put one of those large bold bright-colored Facebook announcements in very large letters requesting emotional support for his family because his AUNT has cancer.

As if most everyone he knows would be interested in the health of an AUNT. I don't think most people are going to be interested or involved in any other than immediate family of their acquaintance/friend, nor should they really, in my opinion.

I found this a strange plea for attention.

OP, I think your person who has medical problems and was in ICU is more your immediate family, but the principle has some similarities.
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Old 09-12-2017, 04:00 PM
 
2,995 posts, read 1,523,220 times
Reputation: 7784
Quote:
Originally Posted by tessie425 View Post
I agree that men don't have the same type of wiring as women when it comes to this stuff. But I think it boils down to just being a decent human being...which he obviously wasn't.....


I don't really understand how a quick text of "hey how is your family member doing" was expecting too much, but again, it just shows what kind of person he is.
In this case, expecting ANYTHING was too much. Live & learn.
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Old 09-12-2017, 04:12 PM
 
Location: Arizona
5,392 posts, read 4,495,484 times
Reputation: 15360
Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
This reminds me of a man I know who put one of those large bold bright-colored Facebook announcements in very large letters requesting emotional support for his family because his AUNT has cancer.

As if most everyone he knows would be interested in the health of an AUNT. I don't think most people are going to be interested or involved in any other than immediate family of their acquaintance/friend, nor should they really, in my opinion.

I found this a strange plea for attention.

OP, I think your person who has medical problems and was in ICU is more your immediate family, but the principle has some similarities.
I saw this happen on the condolences thread. The poster was upset he did not receive condolences when a cousin, a classmate, or pastor died. It usually doesn't work that way. Parents yes. Children yes. Grandparents maybe if you knew them.
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Old 09-12-2017, 05:06 PM
 
Location: SW US
1,903 posts, read 1,762,474 times
Reputation: 3128
Quote:
Originally Posted by tessie425 View Post
Yea, that's what I guess surprised me. I am usually a pretty good judge of character. I had spoken to him many times about issues he was going through and tried be there for him. He seemed like a good guy. Didn't seem like someone who would be uncaring. Self-centered is a great way to put it.
Maybe he has gotten used to you being there for him, but has no intention of being there for you in the same way. Maybe he can't handle others' problems? or even his own problems?
When I had cancer I learned a lot about who was a real friend and who wasn't. Change your expectations of him.
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