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Old 09-12-2017, 05:36 PM
 
1,397 posts, read 546,061 times
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It's not a question of lack of interest but lack of sympathy. Likely if he posted pics of a bar or restaurant or his dog many of his "facebook friends" would have commented. Everything posted on facebook is a "plea for attention".

Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
This reminds me of a man I know who put one of those large bold bright-colored Facebook announcements in very large letters requesting emotional support for his family because his AUNT has cancer.

As if most everyone he knows would be interested in the health of an AUNT. I don't think most people are going to be interested or involved in any other than immediate family of their acquaintance/friend, nor should they really, in my opinion.

I found this a strange plea for attention.

OP, I think your person who has medical problems and was in ICU is more your immediate family, but the principle has some similarities.
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Old 09-13-2017, 07:45 AM
 
1,065 posts, read 371,606 times
Reputation: 2055
Quote:
Originally Posted by tessie425 View Post
Hi all

I just had an experience with a so-called "friend" but I'm not sure if I'm just being too sensitive.

I have a very sick family member in ICU..and this is someone I'm very close to.

I had told this friend about the situation and he knew I was stressed and sad about it...but then days passed and I didn't even get an inquiry from him. I know he was fine too, mutual friends saw him out and about at a party etc..

So I sent a message basically saying I was offended he didn't even ask how my family member was doing and he kind of blew me off saying he hopes she is ok, but more or less leave me alone...(not actual words but similar).

I am really upset about this, so I've basically cut him out of my life. He hasn't made one attempt to reach out either.

My question is, did I overreact, or blow it out of proportion? I think it would be common courtesy to reach out and ask a friend how a family member is doing if they were very sick, or do I just expect too much.
You didn't overreact...this was a very close family member to you and I'm sure your 'friend' knew this.Unfortunately you were expecting too much.Some people nowadays are so full of themselves..they're all caught up in crap that isn't important....You are right to distant yourself from this person.Some people do show their true colors to you when you're dealing with something very serious...you expect them to at least inquire...see if you're ok...but some just don't do that.See if he comes around...
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Old 09-13-2017, 07:54 AM
 
237 posts, read 497,337 times
Reputation: 152
Quote:
Originally Posted by codergirl View Post
You didn't overreact...this was a very close family member to you and I'm sure your 'friend' knew this.Unfortunately you were expecting too much.Some people nowadays are so full of themselves..they're all caught up in crap that isn't important....You are right to distant yourself from this person.Some people do show their true colors to you when you're dealing with something very serious...you expect them to at least inquire...see if you're ok...but some just don't do that.See if he comes around...

thanks Yea I have a feeling he won't be coming around, which is fine with me, glad I saw him for what he was. Again, don't think he is a bad person, just not someone I am cut out to be friends with.

Over the years, I have learned that you can't expect much from people. But since he shared so much with me about his personal crap and I was always there to talk to him, I thought maybe he would extend the same courtesy, but guess not. I kept thinking, it that was his mother (God forbid) that was in the ER, I would have been asking him every day how she was. But again, can't expect people to behave in the same way you do.
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Old 09-13-2017, 01:46 PM
 
15,019 posts, read 15,857,226 times
Reputation: 24773
Quote:
Originally Posted by tessie425 View Post
Hi all

I just had an experience with a so-called "friend" but I'm not sure if I'm just being too sensitive.

I have a very sick family member in ICU..and this is someone I'm very close to.

I had told this friend about the situation and he knew I was stressed and sad about it...but then days passed and I didn't even get an inquiry from him. I know he was fine too, mutual friends saw him out and about at a party etc..

So I sent a message basically saying I was offended he didn't even ask how my family member was doing and he kind of blew me off saying he hopes she is ok, but more or less leave me alone...(not actual words but similar).

I am really upset about this, so I've basically cut him out of my life. He hasn't made one attempt to reach out either.

My question is, did I overreact, or blow it out of proportion? I think it would be common courtesy to reach out and ask a friend how a family member is doing if they were very sick, or do I just expect too much.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tessie425 View Post
thanks Yea I have a feeling he won't be coming around, which is fine with me, glad I saw him for what he was. Again, don't think he is a bad person, just not someone I am cut out to be friends with.

Over the years, I have learned that you can't expect much from people. But since he shared so much with me about his personal crap and I was always there to talk to him, I thought maybe he would extend the same courtesy, but guess not. I kept thinking, it that was his mother (God forbid) that was in the ER, I would have been asking him every day how she was. But again, can't expect people to behave in the same way you do.
If I were your friend, I probably would have reacted the same way. But it wouldn't be because I didn't care. It would be because when I've been in similar situations with sick relatives, the last thing I wanted was people constantly inquiring about the state of things. I draw inward when dealing with stressful situations. I don't want to receive a constant barrage of texts or phone calls. I'll send updates when I feel like it's important and I'm not busy doing all the other things one has to do when one is dealing with a difficult and stressful situation. And, here's the kicker--I assume the same is true for everyone else. I leave them alone and figure I'll hear from them when they have the time and energy to contact me.

Clearly, you feel differently and it may be true that you aren't cut out to be friends with this other person. But I wouldn't assume he's an uncaring ass. He may just not have realized the particular type of support you need.
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Old 09-13-2017, 02:45 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,305 posts, read 9,919,021 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
If I were your friend, I probably would have reacted the same way. But it wouldn't be because I didn't care. It would be because when I've been in similar situations with sick relatives, the last thing I wanted was people constantly inquiring about the state of things. I draw inward when dealing with stressful situations. I don't want to receive a constant barrage of texts or phone calls. I'll send updates when I feel like it's important and I'm not busy doing all the other things one has to do when one is dealing with a difficult and stressful situation. And, here's the kicker--I assume the same is true for everyone else. I leave them alone and figure I'll hear from them when they have the time and energy to contact me.

Clearly, you feel differently and it may be true that you aren't cut out to be friends with this other person. But I wouldn't assume he's an uncaring ass. He may just not have realized the particular type of support you need.
There's a lot of truth to this! When my best friend had a miscarriage, I picked her kids up from the ER and spent the day with them. She came home the next day. I didn't talk to her or see her for about a week. I waited for the revolving door of friends and church members to stop before I checked in on her. I figured she wanted some quiet time to process losing her child and taking care of the children she had. She lived across the street. I didn't go over not to ignore her, but to give her peace. She had nonstop people dropping by. She was happy I didn't bug her. She really wanted to just be left alone for a few weeks. Not everyone reacts to situations the same. I didn't want to be a pain in her rear end. I figure she had plenty going on and one more person was just too much. The kids missed me, but they came over to visit.
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Old 09-13-2017, 03:27 PM
 
6,152 posts, read 2,394,710 times
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Often, when people are going through grief, they find something to be angry about because anger is a more bearable emotion than grief.

I have a friend with a child who is profoundly disabled. When the baby was born, the doctor suspected a specific anomaly, and they tested for it. Then when the results came back the nurse (who knew the patient and had an ongoing relationship with them) called to give the results, which were bad news.

My friend was OUTRAGED that it wasn't the doctor who called, but instead, the nurse. She was over the top angry, and reported him to the medical board, (nothing came of that obviously) bad mouthed him every chance she could to whoever would listen.

Because she couldn't bear it that her child was facing a life with a severe disability. And it was much easier to bear if she bore this reality as anger rather than grief.

I think you're doing that here, Tessie.

Prayers for your grandmother. You've been lucky to have her so long!
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Old 09-14-2017, 02:07 PM
 
237 posts, read 497,337 times
Reputation: 152
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
Often, when people are going through grief, they find something to be angry about because anger is a more bearable emotion than grief.

I have a friend with a child who is profoundly disabled. When the baby was born, the doctor suspected a specific anomaly, and they tested for it. Then when the results came back the nurse (who knew the patient and had an ongoing relationship with them) called to give the results, which were bad news.

My friend was OUTRAGED that it wasn't the doctor who called, but instead, the nurse. She was over the top angry, and reported him to the medical board, (nothing came of that obviously) bad mouthed him every chance she could to whoever would listen.

Because she couldn't bear it that her child was facing a life with a severe disability. And it was much easier to bear if she bore this reality as anger rather than grief.

I think you're doing that here, Tessie.

Prayers for your grandmother. You've been lucky to have her so long!

Thank you! yes, it's so true, I'm realizing i have a lot of anger that is misplaced. I have to learn to channel that in to something more effective/rational.

Either way though, the guy I posted about never reached out, so I'm writing him off, but if he did, I would be open to hear what he said.

Overall, though, it's a lesson learned.

Thanks for the prayers! She is still in the hospital, but she's fighting, the tough lady that she is.
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Old 09-14-2017, 03:06 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,351 posts, read 24,001,401 times
Reputation: 24401
Some people, good, bad, and otherwise, just can't deal with death or serious illness. Over the years people I have known who have been very ill tell me different versions of this same story. They are so hurt when someone they considered to be a good supportive friend takes a powder and disappears.

I don't think these are all bad people and terrible friends. Some of them just don't know what to do. Or how to act.
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Old 09-18-2017, 07:40 AM
 
237 posts, read 497,337 times
Reputation: 152
Thought I would update...I sent him a message over the weekend, saying I guess you don't accept my apology (I did apologize about over reacting)...and I know he saw it, but no reply. So I guess that's that.
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Old 09-18-2017, 11:03 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,708 posts, read 50,782,507 times
Reputation: 27146
Thanks for the update. Sorry that things didn't turn out better.
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