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Old 09-11-2017, 09:31 AM
 
237 posts, read 507,611 times
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Hi all

I just had an experience with a so-called "friend" but I'm not sure if I'm just being too sensitive.

I have a very sick family member in ICU..and this is someone I'm very close to.

I had told this friend about the situation and he knew I was stressed and sad about it...but then days passed and I didn't even get an inquiry from him. I know he was fine too, mutual friends saw him out and about at a party etc..

So I sent a message basically saying I was offended he didn't even ask how my family member was doing and he kind of blew me off saying he hopes she is ok, but more or less leave me alone...(not actual words but similar).

I am really upset about this, so I've basically cut him out of my life. He hasn't made one attempt to reach out either.

My question is, did I overreact, or blow it out of proportion? I think it would be common courtesy to reach out and ask a friend how a family member is doing if they were very sick, or do I just expect too much.
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Old 09-11-2017, 09:45 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,028 posts, read 37,675,762 times
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Did you overreact?

Well, it sounds like you picked a fight with someone who wasn't REALLY a friend. You were pissed that he didn't live up to rules that he may not even have known about. So ... yeah ... you overreacted. It would have been nice if he had shown you the courtesy of inquiring.

I'm really sorry about your family member. Not everyone is going to respond to your crises the way you would like them to, unfortunately, but you also have to decide if confronting them about it and cutting people out of your life is worth it ... you're adding more stress to your life at an already stressful time.
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Old 09-11-2017, 09:49 AM
 
237 posts, read 507,611 times
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this is true. I guess that was my realization, that he wasn't really a friend after all...which was very disappointing.
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Old 09-11-2017, 10:52 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,845 posts, read 51,301,408 times
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It is impossible to know if you overreacted based on what little of your relationship one can relate in a forum. My guess is that you did, but that is only a guess. Overall, guys are simply not wired for the strong social connections and courtesies that gals are. There was a recent article about how guys often end up alone in the end of life years, and one of the points made was that guys are much more goal oriented, and even in relating to close friends may need to have a common task or other artifice to maintain contact. Gals, OTOH, are often more interesting in making and nurturing relationships than focusing on tasks.

Since you are the one who reacted, and it is apparent that you didn't really check out WHY there wasn't the response you expected, it could be an opportunity for you to improve your own communication skills and abilities to understand what is going on in the heads of other people.

Sometimes relationships do have to be written off. It pays to do some self-examination before making such a decision.
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Old 09-11-2017, 11:12 AM
 
237 posts, read 507,611 times
Reputation: 152
Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
It is impossible to know if you overreacted based on what little of your relationship one can relate in a forum. My guess is that you did, but that is only a guess. Overall, guys are simply not wired for the strong social connections and courtesies that gals are. There was a recent article about how guys often end up alone in the end of life years, and one of the points made was that guys are much more goal oriented, and even in relating to close friends may need to have a common task or other artifice to maintain contact. Gals, OTOH, are often more interesting in making and nurturing relationships than focusing on tasks.

Since you are the one who reacted, and it is apparent that you didn't really check out WHY there wasn't the response you expected, it could be an opportunity for you to improve your own communication skills and abilities to understand what is going on in the heads of other people.

Sometimes relationships do have to be written off. It pays to do some self-examination before making such a decision.

I agree that men don't have the same type of wiring as women when it comes to this stuff. But I think it boils down to just being a decent human being...which he obviously wasn't.....


I don't really understand how a quick text of "hey how is your family member doing" was expecting too much, but again, it just shows what kind of person he is.
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Old 09-11-2017, 12:34 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,845 posts, read 51,301,408 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tessie425 View Post
I agree that men don't have the same type of wiring as women when it comes to this stuff. But I think it boils down to just being a decent human being...which he obviously wasn't.....


I don't really understand how a quick text of "hey how is your family member doing" was expecting too much, but again, it just shows what kind of person he is.
It is pretty obvious you are speaking with anger and disappointment and hurt. All of those are valid emotions and I am in no way trying to justify.

We all get hurt by the actions (or lack of actions) by others. Over time we start to recognize signs that some people might be less trustworthy or more self-centered to be good friend material. I'm sorry you feel that the person you thought was a friend was not supportive and it hurt. I don't know how close a friend that person was, and I don't know his background or what else might have been going on for him, and I don't have the intensity of having been personally hurt.

Everyone has flaws. There are people around who are SERIOUSLY not decent human beings: rapists, child molesters, con artists, muggers, and more. I hope that you don't lump your ex-friend in that category, and can just see him as flawed and not friend material.
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Old 09-11-2017, 12:40 PM
 
237 posts, read 507,611 times
Reputation: 152
Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
It is pretty obvious you are speaking with anger and disappointment and hurt. All of those are valid emotions and I am in no way trying to justify.

We all get hurt by the actions (or lack of actions) by others. Over time we start to recognize signs that some people might be less trustworthy or more self-centered to be good friend material. I'm sorry you feel that the person you thought was a friend was not supportive and it hurt. I don't know how close a friend that person was, and I don't know his background or what else might have been going on for him, and I don't have the intensity of having been personally hurt.

Everyone has flaws. There are people around who are SERIOUSLY not decent human beings: rapists, child molesters, con artists, muggers, and more. I hope that you don't lump your ex-friend in that category, and can just see him as flawed and not friend material.

Yea, that's what I guess surprised me. I am usually a pretty good judge of character. I had spoken to him many times about issues he was going through and tried be there for him. He seemed like a good guy. Didn't seem like someone who would be uncaring. Self-centered is a great way to put it.

Then I've had other people in my life surprise me with how caring they can be, when that wasn't my first impression. LOL Guess I'm not as good of a judge of character as I thought.

I think you are exactly right, he's just not friend material, not an evil person. Or at the very least, casual friend material, not close friend (which I thought we were).
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Old 09-11-2017, 01:17 PM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
17,379 posts, read 3,537,755 times
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Completely agree...

I've heard about and felt the same emotions in similar circumstances...and offer the following:

Learn to have no expectations about the behavior of others. If you don't, you will be often disappointed.
Many are self-absorbed, or perhaps not as sensitive to other's feelings as you might be...or have odd explanations ie my best girlhood friend did not attend the funerals of my parents. She said she could not bear to attend anyone's funeral...





QUOTE=Wmsn4Life;49485042]Did you overreact?

Well, it sounds like you picked a fight with someone who wasn't REALLY a friend. You were pissed that he didn't live up to rules that he may not even have known about. So ... yeah ... you overreacted. It would have been nice if he had shown you the courtesy of inquiring.

I'm really sorry about your family member. Not everyone is going to respond to your crises the way you would like them to, unfortunately, but you also have to decide if confronting them about it and cutting people out of your life is worth it ... you're adding more stress to your life at an already stressful time.[/quote]
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Old 09-11-2017, 01:44 PM
 
237 posts, read 507,611 times
Reputation: 152
Quote:
Originally Posted by greatblueheron View Post
Completely agree...

I've heard about and felt the same emotions in similar circumstances...and offer the following:

Learn to have no expectations about the behavior of others. If you don't, you will be often disappointed.
Many are self-absorbed, or perhaps not as sensitive to other's feelings as you might be...or have odd explanations ie my best girlhood friend did not attend the funerals of my parents. She said she could not bear to attend anyone's funeral...





QUOTE=Wmsn4Life;49485042]Did you overreact?

Well, it sounds like you picked a fight with someone who wasn't REALLY a friend. You were pissed that he didn't live up to rules that he may not even have known about. So ... yeah ... you overreacted. It would have been nice if he had shown you the courtesy of inquiring.

I'm really sorry about your family member. Not everyone is going to respond to your crises the way you would like them to, unfortunately, but you also have to decide if confronting them about it and cutting people out of your life is worth it ... you're adding more stress to your life at an already stressful time.
[/quote]


Gosh. that's awful, I'm sorry to hear that. I know that funerals/hospitals make me VERY uncomfortable too (I have anxiety etc) but I can't imagine not going to a close friend's parents funeral.

It's so true about expectations, you really have to let all that go in life.

Funny thing is my boss, who is extremely busy and kind of out there as far as emotions, asks me EVERY day how my relative is. Go figure LOL.
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Old 09-11-2017, 02:32 PM
 
2,008 posts, read 2,055,224 times
Reputation: 3072
I see where you're coming from, but I do think you should realize that your issues aren't going to be front and center to anyone but you. Maybe he has something really major going on in his life as well.
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