U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 09-18-2017, 08:47 PM
 
6,014 posts, read 6,515,432 times
Reputation: 8299

Advertisements

When would you have a difficult time honoring last wishes? Do you think they're sacred no matter what?

I just read an account of friends who wanted to go visit another friend who was close to dying (or expected to die soon) -- but that sick friend didn't want them to come, because he didn't want the others "to see him that way."

I tend to be the kind of person that insists on showing active support for friends, and helping when it wasn't really wanted.

So I don't know whether I wouldn't go anyway.
-- On the one hand if I love you and you're sick -- I don't CARE what shape you're in or how you may look. I want to be there. Who cares how a person you love looks at a time like that?
-- On the other if you don't want me "to see you that way"....I suppose I should honor that. And I suppose after you're gone I could take comfort in that -- and remember you as you were earlier. But still, I'd feel a little sadness that I didn't go to you in your last days....

In other situations though like inheritances and honoring the wishes in a will -- I DO think those last wishes are sacrosanct. Even if I wouldn't disagree with it, if you had certain wishes in your will then I'd do it. (even though you'd be gone and never know whether I did or not.)
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 09-18-2017, 09:51 PM
 
3,962 posts, read 5,247,246 times
Reputation: 4549
I would try just calling first. Perhaps you can be supportive on the phone as well. Then you could mention that you would like to visit, and see what he says. If a person still says no, then so be it.

My husband, when he was dying, recalled the time we went to see a friend, at the request of his wife, when he was already comatose and in his last few hours. He told me he did not want that. So we had visitors during his last few weeks, but when he started to lose contact, in the last few days, it was only me, my son and my sister who saw him (along with the hospice nurses.) That's the way he wanted it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-19-2017, 10:07 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,840 posts, read 51,286,023 times
Reputation: 27648
As with many things, there is no "right" answer. When my wife was dying, she only wanted me around, but we came to recognize I needed help and to be spelled, and two of her daughters came to assist. I then convinced her that the rest of her offspring needed to be able to say goodbye, and the grandkids needed to experience the end-of-life saying goodbye as part of their growth. Once she was beginning the final decline, it was only the two daughters and me. The friends she had in the area were casual, and there never was a good time for them to visit.

One important aspect of deathbed visits is that they need to be monitored closely, and there be rules. Some people may try to revisit old problems, get things "off their chest" that can be hurtful, or be amazingly insensitive due to their own problems. Find out a comfortable time limit from the person and inform visitors in advance. Specify some possible subjects like pleasant memories together, or news of children.

If the visit starts to go off the rails, intervene. I had to do some intervention when one individual started a harangue in an attempt for a deathbed religious conversion to their particular brand of religion. If I were a more violent person, that individual would need to be admitted to the hospital after my "intervention."
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-19-2017, 12:09 PM
 
11,686 posts, read 13,074,643 times
Reputation: 30973
Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
As with many things, there is no "right" answer. ...
I have been a care partner to close friends and strangers, and I can second the above comment. Sometimes I really had to wing it and proceed cautiously and just hope.

My father did his final decline in almost glacial silence, except for one reconciliation who showed up at the front door after a separation of decades there was virtually nothing but terse requests for this or that. He was determined man of great will power. Without a doubt his marriage and his surviving child had been huge disappointments. I could honestly see how it looked from his point of view, and I deeply regretted that it was so for him. Dying was another another demanding job to be completed well in a lifetime of demanding jobs and labor. And this attitude had been a hallmark of his life.

Quote:
One important aspect of deathbed visits is that they need to be monitored closely, and there be rules. Some people may try to revisit old problems, get things "off their chest" that can be hurtful, or be amazingly insensitive due to their own problems. ....
I became the middle man in one of these situations. The dying person said very firmly after some thought that it was too late for a visit that would be about making an apology, the time for that was long past his business was dying, not giving out empty absolutions. Ouch. And then the rejected party insisted on knowing just what had been said. Ugh.

Quote:
If the visit starts to go off the rails, intervene. I had to do some intervention when one individual started a harangue in an attempt for a deathbed religious conversion to their particular brand of religion. If I were a more violent person, that individual would need to be admitted to the hospital after my "intervention."
Similar situation. I was with someone who was dying at home with his aged father. A friend called, who had become very aggressively religious, and proceeded to turn the goodbye into a loud prayer rant that even I could hear. The dying guy held the phone away and grimaced at it, and I just took it away and said the fellow couldn't talk any longer....not that he was talking, he just got to listen.

My own death is likely not to be too far in the future. What I hope for is one last outing to say my goodbyes, and then home to die in peace and quiet - no more communications - with an aide, and one close friend and his wife to check in daily.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-19-2017, 05:17 PM
 
Location: Arizona
5,577 posts, read 4,780,727 times
Reputation: 16482
Quote:
Originally Posted by selhars View Post
When would you have a difficult time honoring last wishes? Do you think they're sacred no matter what?

I just read an account of friends who wanted to go visit another friend who was close to dying (or expected to die soon) -- but that sick friend didn't want them to come, because he didn't want the others "to see him that way."

I tend to be the kind of person that insists on showing active support for friends, and helping when it wasn't really wanted.

So I don't know whether I wouldn't go anyway.
-- On the one hand if I love you and you're sick -- I don't CARE what shape you're in or how you may look. I want to be there. Who cares how a person you love looks at a time like that?
-- On the other if you don't want me "to see you that way"....I suppose I should honor that. And I suppose after you're gone I could take comfort in that -- and remember you as you were earlier. But still, I'd feel a little sadness that I didn't go to you in your last days....

In other situations though like inheritances and honoring the wishes in a will -- I DO think those last wishes are sacrosanct. Even if I wouldn't disagree with it, if you had certain wishes in your will then I'd do it. (even though you'd be gone and never know whether I did or not.)
Honor THEIR wishes. It's not about you or how you feel.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-19-2017, 11:29 PM
 
Location: Midvale, Idaho
1,428 posts, read 2,252,516 times
Reputation: 1826
Quote:
Originally Posted by selhars View Post
When would you have a difficult time honoring last wishes? Do you think they're sacred no matter what?

I just read an account of friends who wanted to go visit another friend who was close to dying (or expected to die soon) -- but that sick friend didn't want them to come, because he didn't want the others "to see him that way."

I tend to be the kind of person that insists on showing active support for friends, and helping when it wasn't really wanted.

So I don't know whether I wouldn't go anyway.
-- On the one hand if I love you and you're sick -- I don't CARE what shape you're in or how you may look. I want to be there. Who cares how a person you love looks at a time like that?
-- On the other if you don't want me "to see you that way"....I suppose I should honor that. And I suppose after you're gone I could take comfort in that -- and remember you as you were earlier. But still, I'd feel a little sadness that I didn't go to you in your last days....

In other situations though like inheritances and honoring the wishes in a will -- I DO think those last wishes are sacrosanct. Even if I wouldn't disagree with it, if you had certain wishes in your will then I'd do it. (even though you'd be gone and never know whether I did or not.)
"(even though you'd be gone and never know whether I did or not.)" but your conscience would probably eat you alive if you did not honor their wishes. I know it would me.

Very sorry about your friend.It is so hard losing some one you really care about.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-20-2017, 09:23 AM
 
15,187 posts, read 16,035,343 times
Reputation: 25076
I had a friend who lost her husband recently. She said that he had always said he wanted to be cremated but she couldn't stand the thought of that so she had him buried. I was taken aback by that. I think I would try to honor such a wish, even if it made me uncomfortable.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-20-2017, 09:41 AM
 
Location: Midvale, Idaho
1,428 posts, read 2,252,516 times
Reputation: 1826
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
I had a friend who lost her husband recently. She said that he had always said he wanted to be cremated but she couldn't stand the thought of that so she had him buried. I was taken aback by that. I think I would try to honor such a wish, even if it made me uncomfortable.
Oh me too. So far I have honored all my hubbies last wishes. Still holding onto a few things as a little savings back up if needed kind of thing and I know the value will only go up not down. I am just not ready to emotionally let them go. So hard some times. I will have to some day I know that but there is no hurry to do so.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top