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Old 10-11-2017, 10:28 PM
 
3,965 posts, read 5,254,642 times
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In December it will be 3 years since my beloved died. I am doing pretty well. I have a busy life, working part time, volunteering, etc. But the world has not been a happy place lately. This country, whichever "side" you are on, is becoming more and more divided, and sometimes viciously divided. We have seen multiple hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, Puerto Rico being wiped out, the mass shooting in Las Vegas, and now fires destroying whole sections of cities. (This one is close to me - I know or know of many, many people who have lost their homes in the Sonoma County fires.)

I mention all these things because it seems it will never end. And without my husband, I feel I no longer have the kind of emotional bulwark against the assaults of the world that I used to have. With him, there was always a hug, someone to talk to, not to give answers, but just to commiserate, to understand. We knew each others' sighs. I did not just lean on him emotionally, but also the physically. It was such a comfort, when standing next to each other, to put my head against his shoulder, to hold his arm, to sit on the couch in contact with each other. We knew what outside events were tender spots to each other, and we knew what look, what gesture would bring comfort.

Now I feel alone in maintaining a front against all the bad news that assails us. Yes, I have friends to talk to, but it is not the same soul-deep contact with the one who knows who you are and who loves your moments of weakness as much as your rallies of strength.
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Old 10-12-2017, 05:02 AM
 
Location: In a house
21,902 posts, read 20,911,959 times
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Boy you just said what I have been feeling. It's also been 3 years since my D/H passed away and I feel the same things you are feeling. It's so difficult. And yes, our world has become so violent and scary being alone makes it seem worse! I miss having that comfort from my D/H!!
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Old 10-12-2017, 05:45 AM
 
909 posts, read 391,174 times
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Would it be helpful to engage in conversations with your loved one in your head, drawing on memories of what you know he would say and do at difficult times? In a way, he could help you and you could help him, as a tribute to all your years together. Of course it would have to be "in your head", but it could also be "in your heart"


Sorry if this is too weird. But our brains are capable of wonderful things. Maybe this avenue of comfort is worth exploring.


Best wishes to both posters above.
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Old 10-12-2017, 04:14 PM
 
Location: chicago
66 posts, read 38,371 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
Yes, I have friends to talk to, but it is not the same soul-deep contact with the one who knows who you are and who loves your moments of weakness as much as your rallies of strength.
I completely get this. I'm literally afraid I'll be in the wrong place at the wrong time all alone and unable to defend myself. I seriously think I will live to see a civil war though I don't think it'll be tomorrow. I guess it's important to do our best to keep check on the fear because otherwise it compounds on itself and that's no good. I suppose it's best to do our best to balance our fears against our hopes and trust that it will happen.

it's like, if you trust the world entirely it'll tear you apart.
if you trust no one however, you will have saved it the trouble.
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Old 10-13-2017, 11:46 AM
 
3,965 posts, read 5,254,642 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by testing_waters View Post
I completely get this. I'm literally afraid I'll be in the wrong place at the wrong time all alone and unable to defend myself. I seriously think I will live to see a civil war though I don't think it'll be tomorrow. I guess it's important to do our best to keep check on the fear because otherwise it compounds on itself and that's no good. I suppose it's best to do our best to balance our fears against our hopes and trust that it will happen.

it's like, if you trust the world entirely it'll tear you apart.
if you trust no one however, you will have saved it the trouble.
I don't really have fear problems. I live in a safe neighborhood, have a small dog, and I don't go to places that aren't secure, especially at night. One thing I realized during my husband's illness is that I still felt safe walking in the evening with him, even when he was very weak and disabled. There is no way he could have defended me, but I still felt safe. Sometimes it is the psychological effect of having your loved one near that helps you feel safe, not just the physical presence. I also don't have trust issues. I live in a community where there is a lot of mutual support. What I was speaking of in the OP was mostly the loss of emotional support as we see things happening that can emotionally destabilize us. There have been so many tragic and worrying things that have happened in the last year, so we all need our support systems, and these times are made more difficult when the major part of that support system is gone.
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Old 10-13-2017, 07:05 PM
 
Location: Midvale, Idaho
1,428 posts, read 2,255,690 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
I don't really have fear problems. I live in a safe neighborhood, have a small dog, and I don't go to places that aren't secure, especially at night. One thing I realized during my husband's illness is that I still felt safe walking in the evening with him, even when he was very weak and disabled. There is no way he could have defended me, but I still felt safe. Sometimes it is the psychological effect of having your loved one near that helps you feel safe, not just the physical presence. I also don't have trust issues. I live in a community where there is a lot of mutual support. What I was speaking of in the OP was mostly the loss of emotional support as we see things happening that can emotionally destabilize us. There have been so many tragic and worrying things that have happened in the last year, so we all need our support systems, and these times are made more difficult when the major part of that support system is gone.
I agree with this G Grasshopper. I also felt much safer when hubby was still here. Proved by the brat 20 year old stalker that has been giving me fits for the last months. He would not dare do this while hubby was here but shortly after he was gone the stalking started. This is serious stuff I had had the sheriff out three times. Sad thing is I have to photo him to prove he was here. WHO is going to open their door to do that in the middle of the night. And NO I can not afford security cameras and I am working on a no contact order etc. All takes time. And then a judge that will approve it if he feels it is a real need. And if I pull my gun on him I am the one going to jail unless I can prove I was terrified for my life. The one deputy told me how I should lay out an electric fence to trap this kid when he comes over their fence. which I have done. And the sheriffs are patrolling my house at night. I do have two dogs.

And like you we could read each others thoughts and feelings on things. We also understood those sighs and the needs for hugs and talks that lasted into the middle of the night even after 31 years. I think I miss that the very most.

I also worry some about the state of the world. I know this is terribly immature of me. I no longer have a TV and do not get radio and do not go searching for news on the internet and I live half way in the middle of nowhere so I am very removed from the rest of the world. Often I go days with out even speaking to another person. I am just hoping I can keep it this way for me as long as possible. Feeling right now after the years of my husbands illness I need to recover myself before I take on the world. I am doing well but I am not there quite yet.
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Old 10-15-2017, 02:13 AM
 
Location: Tulare County, Ca
1,032 posts, read 609,720 times
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You all have just perfectly described how I feel too. I too am pretty much alone since my husband died and the one thing I did to help with the anxiety was to get a medical alert device. I got one soon after his death. I chose the Great Call device after doing a lot of research. It runs on the Verizon network so you have coverage almost everywhere in the US. It's a small device that I wear on a lanyard around my neck. I had to use it once and it saved my life. I had a perforated intestine due to diverticulitis. When I realized something was seriously wrong with me, I hit the button and immediately had a real person on who got an ambulance to me within 10 minutes and stayed on the line until I was in the hospital and he got release from both me and the medical personnel.

It's not just for medical emergencies too. It can be used for road service or any emergency that pops up. The monthly cost is only $18 a month....very cheap for the security and peace of mind that it gives me. They have several different types of devices you can choose from including a cell phone. Hope this helps and here is their website if you're interested:
Cell Phones, Medical Alert & Safety for Seniors | GreatCall

I just wish it could hold my hand or give me a hug. I know my husband's spirit is still with me, but...........I wish the rest of him were still here.
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Old 10-15-2017, 05:07 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,863 posts, read 51,373,474 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
In December it will be 3 years since my beloved died. I am doing pretty well. I have a busy life, working part time, volunteering, etc. But the world has not been a happy place lately. This country, whichever "side" you are on, is becoming more and more divided, and sometimes viciously divided. We have seen multiple hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, Puerto Rico being wiped out, the mass shooting in Las Vegas, and now fires destroying whole sections of cities. (This one is close to me - I know or know of many, many people who have lost their homes in the Sonoma County fires.)

I mention all these things because it seems it will never end. And without my husband, I feel I no longer have the kind of emotional bulwark against the assaults of the world that I used to have. With him, there was always a hug, someone to talk to, not to give answers, but just to commiserate, to understand. We knew each others' sighs. I did not just lean on him emotionally, but also the physically. It was such a comfort, when standing next to each other, to put my head against his shoulder, to hold his arm, to sit on the couch in contact with each other. We knew what outside events were tender spots to each other, and we knew what look, what gesture would bring comfort.

Now I feel alone in maintaining a front against all the bad news that assails us. Yes, I have friends to talk to, but it is not the same soul-deep contact with the one who knows who you are and who loves your moments of weakness as much as your rallies of strength.
On the other side of the aisle, there are many times I am thankful my wife did not have to see and experience what is going on. In some ways, it would have broken her heart, as she was upbeat and positive that the world would get better and better.

Just because that physical presence does not manifest, don't for a moment think that the spirit or energies of the loved one aren't there. I am regularly stunned at how I seem to be guided, how words flow from me that are more hers than mine, and how the connection does not break.

It becomes more and more apparent to me that our task is to develop ourselves as individuals rather than try to project our concerns and values upon others. We may try to inform, to guide, to help, to cajole, but ultimately everyone must have their own path. To accept that imperfection is, in its own way, perfect, to accept that everything is a type of lesson and not something for us to obsess over, is to grow.
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Old 10-16-2017, 07:38 AM
 
194 posts, read 97,634 times
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Harry, although I agree with you, I believe the point is that we miss our soul mates in so many ways and one of the ways was in communication, to have someone we could discuss our concerns, current events and our fears, wishes and desires. Some one we felt safe with, some one who supported us and had our back.

I don't disagree with you, Harry, once alone our role changes drastically, now it is survival. No one to talk to over our morning coffee, no one to share our day with, we are simply alone. If something needs to be done, we complete the task. We all of a sudden have to find our new identity in life, rediscover who we are, our wants and needs change. For us widows our income changes forcing us to make necessary lifestyle changes. Our married friends shun us, we are now prone to scams and rip off artists. We have learned never to tell a auto mechanic we are widowed or any business for that matter, we will be targeted. No longer do we have a protector, we learn quickly our new role in life, beware of the predators.
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Old 10-16-2017, 09:33 AM
 
Location: Midvale, Idaho
1,428 posts, read 2,255,690 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Granite60 View Post
Harry, although I agree with you, I believe the point is that we miss our soul mates in so many ways and one of the ways was in communication, to have someone we could discuss our concerns, current events and our fears, wishes and desires. Some one we felt safe with, some one who supported us and had our back.

I don't disagree with you, Harry, once alone our role changes drastically, now it is survival. No one to talk to over our morning coffee, no one to share our day with, we are simply alone. If something needs to be done, we complete the task. We all of a sudden have to find our new identity in life, rediscover who we are, our wants and needs change. For us widows our income changes forcing us to make necessary lifestyle changes. Our married friends shun us, we are now prone to scams and rip off artists. We have learned never to tell a auto mechanic we are widowed or any business for that matter, we will be targeted. No longer do we have a protector, we learn quickly our new role in life, beware of the predators.
I was going to pull some of what you said out of the quote then decided all of it is so spot on for how I am feeling. Hubby and I had spells of talking some times not saying a word to each other for hours at a time even on a long trip in the car and other times talking long into the night even early morning hours laying in bed just talking. I miss that.

Also the need to have to beware of predators. I am not even taking my wedding rings off. They give me a feeling of security. If some one were to ask I would not lie about being a widow. I just feel more comfortable wearing them and I will always be married to my hubby. I do not have WIDOW stamped on my forehead. I have never had a stranger ask me if I was a widow.

My income was cut in half when I lost hubby. Instantly gone. And it was not all that much even with both of us. So far I am doing fine with that cut. I just need to be mindful and budget for things I want to buy for improvements around here. Even just buying the paint for the out side of the house. I had to plan ahead for that. Paint is expensive now. Same crappy paint just cost more. I was lucky I was still able to do the painting so labor cost was very little. I needed help on one gable end. I managed the other. And some things I just can not do physically like cut down some large limbs from the front tree. I can use the chain saw but not on a ladder reaching up over my head. Hubby would have taken care of it with out even the need to consider it would cost to get it done because he could do it himself. So more budgeting and then finding some one that would do it. I did all the clean up once things were down on my level= the ground.

Life is just different. I am making the very best of it I can and I am not unhappy. I do not want to be unhappy. And if I do get unhappy I need to get myself out of being that way because there is no one else that can do that for me. I am totally alone. I have no family except my fur children.
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