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Old 11-01-2017, 01:42 PM
 
Location: San Diego CA>Tijuana, BC>San Antonio, TX
3,733 posts, read 3,684,343 times
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My condolences to you and your family and you will be in my thoughts and prayers, I am so sorry for your loss.
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Old 11-01-2017, 04:03 PM
 
4,113 posts, read 3,453,068 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oldgardener View Post
It's just a way to acknowledge your loss, doesn't matter how long it has been.

They're being polite.
Exactly.

Sometimes it is not the words, but the way they are they delivered that is bothersome. Could that be it?
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Old 11-01-2017, 04:46 PM
 
971 posts, read 672,536 times
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It's simple. I'm sorry means they are sorry to hear about the bad news or they are sorry you are experiencing it. They surely don't mean they are sorry personally. You are looking too deep into a simple saying.
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Old 11-01-2017, 05:31 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,645,062 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AhRainess View Post
In my experience, almost any expression of sympathy was better than nothing at all. It hurt me when those that were near me said nothing to me at all shortly after the loss, like the person I loved never existed. I often had to grieve alone, and even had to hide it. Still do.
Absolutely, what would really floor after both my mother and father passed(they died a year apart) that a person wouldn't say anything. I would think were they raised by wolves?

I didn't go around telling everyone either.

I have to wonder how does the OP even bring up their mother passing 10 years ago? It's not a recent death, my parents haven't been gone anywhere close to that number of years and I don't go around discussing it now too often.

Did the person they were talking to mention their parent recently passing and the OP responded with my mother died 10 years ago.

What do you expect people to say? I would rather hear an insincere "sorry" than silence.
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Old 11-01-2017, 05:34 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,645,062 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by historyfan View Post
Exactly.

Sometimes it is not the words, but the way they are they delivered that is bothersome. Could that be it?
Having someone say nothing at all when you mention tragic news, is way more bothersome. It's like they just ignored you, which is exactly what they just did.

Talk about rubbing salt into the wound.

Much worse than saying the most insincere "sorry".
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Old 11-03-2017, 01:49 AM
 
Location: Minnesota
1,653 posts, read 599,212 times
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I think a simple I am sorry is the best. I lost a baby at 15 days old, heartbreaking yes. Simple I'm sorry especially were much better than some people who tried to make me feel better with their mis-spoken, awkward, nervous, uncomfortable words of wisdom. At least he is in heaven. You can have another. Better off in heaven. Now he is a angel. They tried to comfort. All I wanted to scream was, but I wanted that baby...... So, just I'm sorry is sometimes better.
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Old 11-03-2017, 08:00 PM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,251,370 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Izzie1213 View Post
I think a simple I am sorry is the best. I lost a baby at 15 days old, heartbreaking yes. Simple I'm sorry especially were much better than some people who tried to make me feel better with their mis-spoken, awkward, nervous, uncomfortable words of wisdom. At least he is in heaven. You can have another. Better off in heaven. Now he is a angel. They tried to comfort. All I wanted to scream was, but I wanted that baby...... So, just I'm sorry is sometimes better.
I agree, and I am sorry about the loss of your precious baby.
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Old 11-06-2017, 03:08 PM
 
704 posts, read 229,215 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by testing_waters View Post
like 10 years. if you tell someone that a relative or loved one passed that long ago, in context of a conversation and they reply with "I'm sorry", isn't that weird?

I never know what to say. it makes no sense. I often think they're just pitying me. it comes off as insincere. I have grown to hate these words so much. If people would say, "that must have been hard for you" that makes more sense. if it had only been a year or two, "I'm sorry" makes more sense. but when people say it YEARS after the fact, I can only perceive it as they're uncomfortable. I get it nearly every time I indulge in sharing the information that it has gotten to the point that in person I'm more mysterious because I just don't want to deal with it.

anyone else despise that response "I'm sorry" ?

What has been your experience with the public, not necessarily close friends or relatives who are most likely grieving with you, but with strangers, what do you think of it ?
A more stupid reply would be, "It was god's will."

Sorry implies the one saying it, is somehow responsible so in that context, it is stupid. I get it.

But, in actuality, they're not finishing the sentence, "I'm sorry there isn't much I can do to help you during this time." The sorry is square on their shoulders for being inept, basically.
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Old 11-06-2017, 05:20 PM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,251,370 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Middletwin View Post
A more stupid reply would be, "It was god's will."

Sorry implies the one saying it, is somehow responsible so in that context, it is stupid. I get it.

But, in actuality, they're not finishing the sentence, "I'm sorry there isn't much I can do to help you during this time." The sorry is square on their shoulders for being inept, basically.
Saying "I'm sorry" does NOT infer that the person saying it is to blame. It simply means "I am in sympathy with you, I'm sorry this happened." It is not stupid. It also does not indicate that they are inept. To interpret it that way would be a really negative take on regular people trying to be kind.

I agree, by the way, that "It was God's will" is an inappropriate thing to say, as none of us really knows God's will.

Perhaps you are thinking of those who say "Let me know if I can help you." That is pretty much meaningless. It would be much more appropriate, if one really wanted to help, to suggest things, such as "I'd like to bring over some dinner tomorrow", or "can I come over and mow your lawn on Saturday?" or "do you need help with grocery shopping? I would be happy to take you or even pick up some items while I'm out." Making a concrete offer of appropriate help is by far the best strategy. Personally, I was not that impressed with those who told me to call if there was anything they could do, and much more impressed with the couple who said (because I moved shortly after my loss) "We would like to come over and help you pack up the garage. When are you going to be ready for that? Here is our number."
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Old 11-06-2017, 05:24 PM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
1,241 posts, read 481,284 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by testing_waters View Post

anyone else despise that response "I'm sorry" ?


Your adverse reaction to "I'm Sorry" is YOUR problem.

Just say "Thank you" and don't make more of it than it is.



PS: I'm sorry that you have a perceptual problem.
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