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Old 10-30-2017, 10:50 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,034 posts, read 37,675,762 times
Reputation: 73646

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My mom died 11 days ago. It was unexpected. She got sick, and after 4 days with symptoms at home went into a hospital, got worse and then passed away.

Well, my dad (and I) had to make the decision to discontinue the treatments that were apparently keeping her alive at that point. She was young, and only 20 years older than me. It was horrible and not something any of us ever imagined experiencing.

Since then, I have been sad and mad, but I also noticed that I am mostly in a fog, or things happen but later it doesn't seem like they actually happened. It feels like I dreamt it.

I have to ask people ... "What were you telling me about ...?" because I can't recall conversations. I know I am awake, but it just doesn't seem like it.

Am I in shock? I just have never experienced this before, and I feel like I want to slap myself out of it.
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Old 10-30-2017, 11:20 PM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
3,997 posts, read 1,776,085 times
Reputation: 13784
Oh no! I am so sorry for your loss.

My mom died in March & itís been awful, really.

I sat & stared at the wall for 2 months. I mean, I still had to help my dad & my sister & I have teenagers still at home, including a disabled 13 year old ... but I felt like I was on auto-pilot.

Just going through the motions. Iíd say itís not the time to be making big decisions. Maybe some can & I admire them, because I donít remember much from those first 2 months. The utility company came by to shut off the power because I forgot to pay the bill.

Luckily I was home & the guy let me pay it online before disconnecting. My sonís state waiver that pays for his therapy almost expired because I couldnít get my act together for his redetermination...Iím STILL finding stuff that I just set aside & forgot about.

Donít be too hard on yourself; you need time for you & your family. My mistake was I let others rush me & it just made it worse.
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Old 10-31-2017, 08:39 AM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
17,396 posts, read 3,537,755 times
Reputation: 22605
Sorry about your mom...hard to lose a parent.

I felt the same as you when my parents died in the same year. It takes as long as it takes for you to recover and have a semblance of a good life. Don't let anyone push you, follow your instincts...and take good care of yourself.
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Old 10-31-2017, 09:03 AM
 
16,724 posts, read 13,670,338 times
Reputation: 40996
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
My mom died 11 days ago.
...
Am I in shock?
Oh honey. I am so sorry to hear this.

Yes, you are in shock.

It's your brain's way of allowing you to keep going instead of you just shutting down completely.
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Old 10-31-2017, 10:51 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,846 posts, read 51,301,408 times
Reputation: 27668
I am sorry for your loss.

I think you are in a type of shock, but that is not a diagnosis to make over the internet.

As much as possible, stick to routines for now. Try not to make any big decisions without running them by a couple of friends first for feedback.

Write. Write, and then write some more. Write down the conversations with friends, write down your thoughts, write whatever comes to mind. If you can't think of anything to write about, then just write nonsense, By writing I mean with pen or pencil - NOT on a computer or phone. There is something inherently healing about the act of writing in times like this.

You and your dad are going to both need people with kind ears, and those who can give gentle support. Seek them out. Find a local support group, ask at the funeral home for what there is available. Your insurance may cover grief counseling.

Be open to strange or unexpected healing experiences.
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Old 10-31-2017, 02:27 PM
 
5,529 posts, read 1,947,601 times
Reputation: 4004
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
My mom died 11 days ago. It was unexpected. She got sick, and after 4 days with symptoms at home went into a hospital, got worse and then passed away.

Well, my dad (and I) had to make the decision to discontinue the treatments that were apparently keeping her alive at that point. She was young, and only 20 years older than me. It was horrible and not something any of us ever imagined experiencing.

Since then, I have been sad and mad, but I also noticed that I am mostly in a fog, or things happen but later it doesn't seem like they actually happened. It feels like I dreamt it.

I have to ask people ... "What were you telling me about ...?" because I can't recall conversations. I know I am awake, but it just doesn't seem like it.

Am I in shock? I just have never experienced this before, and I feel like I want to slap myself out of it.
I am so sorry about the loss of your mom. It's still very early in this process. You are grieving, and for everyone it is different. There are always so many emotions and thoughts after we lose our loved one. Whatever you are feeling is perfectly normal. Let time pass, talk about it as much as you need to, and most of all, be gentle with yourself. Hugs to you, dear.
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Old 10-31-2017, 04:53 PM
 
8,218 posts, read 8,498,682 times
Reputation: 10183
Totally normal. It's just a little mental derangement.

I'm so sorry for your loss, but glad that you and your father have each other.
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Old 10-31-2017, 10:45 PM
 
3,962 posts, read 5,248,587 times
Reputation: 4549
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
Since then, I have been sad and mad, but I also noticed that I am mostly in a fog, or things happen but later it doesn't seem like they actually happened. It feels like I dreamt it.

I have to ask people ... "What were you telling me about ...?" because I can't recall conversations. I know I am awake, but it just doesn't seem like it.

Am I in shock? I just have never experienced this before, and I feel like I want to slap myself out of it.
This is a totally normal part of grief, and you can't slap yourself out of it. Give yourself time. Take good care of your health, get enough sleep, give yourself time to think, talk with trusted friends or your father about how you feel. Cry together, if that feels right. We all have to go though these kinds of grief reactions. It took me maybe 4 months before I could actually think about things not related to my lost loved one. That happens sometimes. The best thing you can do is to be patient with it, be kind with yourself, and to your father, who is also grieving.
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Old 11-01-2017, 08:06 AM
 
5,706 posts, read 12,818,347 times
Reputation: 9008
As OP have said, your state of mind is a normal part of grieving. There is no time limit it is different for every person. I lost my mom when I was young with small children and it was difficult for me to grieve when I had children that needed me. I lost my dad when I was still in high school and I rebelled and acted out. I recently lost my husband, who was my best friend and with whom we did everything together. My grief has been the worst. I take it day by day, sometimes hour by hour. I push myself to be with others and make an effort to get out. It's difficult, just take it a step at a time. It's okay to cry, sob and laugh. Take care of yourself and your father, remember he hurts too.
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Old 11-01-2017, 10:00 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 30,327,697 times
Reputation: 28965
I can sympathize and empathize with you. I lost my wife unexpectedly and swiftly in May and haven't really been right since. Now, at age 71 I live alone with the closest family members 750 miles away. Not fun. Staring at the wall and in a fog just about sum up current feelings. It's called 'depression.' The god news is, it's treatable and can get better. Best of luck to you.
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