U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 11-02-2017, 07:07 AM
 
1,409 posts, read 722,287 times
Reputation: 2309

Advertisements

I've been thinking about this some lately...some losses seem almost impossible to accept if that's the right word-- any words of wisdom for how one can finally come to terms with one of those kind of losses? example- my mother told the story many times of how her own mother never accepted or "got over" ( hate that phrase but not sure how else to say it) the death of her twin sister- they were identical twins and her twin died of an illness in her early twenties. My mother said the rest of her life into her seventies she would look at her picture and lament and talk about her, and how my mom in a way felt affected by it in some way she didn't fully explain much- I am taking it like she felt somewhat neglected at times or that her mom cared more about living in past times remembering her sister than being present with her.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 11-03-2017, 07:06 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,064 posts, read 37,695,377 times
Reputation: 73701
I don't know that you do come to terms with a loss like that.

I saw a quote recently, some my find it cheesy, but it explained grief as the love that you can't express to that person anymore.

It hit me with the recent passing of my mom. I didn't see her every day, or even every week, but the other day I was driving around and I realized that no matter where I go on this earth I will not be able to see her or talk to her. It is probably the closest I have come to feeling actual despair and helplessness.

I think the most helpful words of wisdom have been written on here many times already: Accept it, remember them, and keep moving forward.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-03-2017, 12:56 PM
 
Location: SW US
1,996 posts, read 1,853,151 times
Reputation: 3354
Last night I was looking at a Christmas gift ad from Costco and suddenly became overwhelmed with missing my parents. Dad died in 2012 and Mom in 2016. We were close and had always spent Christmas together.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-03-2017, 06:00 PM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
17,429 posts, read 3,547,315 times
Reputation: 22646
I agree with previous posts but wanted to say...

twins apparently have such a strong bond, most of the rest of us can't even imagine. Perhaps that's part of her sadness.



[/b]
Quote:
Originally Posted by mondayafternoons View Post
I've been thinking about this some lately...some losses seem almost impossible to accept if that's the right word-- any words of wisdom for how one can finally come to terms with one of those kind of losses? example- my mother told the story many times of how her own mother never accepted or "got over" ( hate that phrase but not sure how else to say it) the death of her twin sister- they were identical twins and her twin died of an illness in her early twenties. My mother said the rest of her life into her seventies she would look at her picture and lament and talk about her, and how my mom in a way felt affected by it in some way she didn't fully explain much- I am taking it like she felt somewhat neglected at times or that her mom cared more about living in past times remembering her sister than being present with her.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-07-2017, 01:16 AM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,712 posts, read 21,760,954 times
Reputation: 27762
My brother. I really don't want to speak about it..., but I will for those who feel as I do, and I know you're here.

Yemen. He learned that he had cancer. There was a civil war. Not much food.

That's almost radial Haiku.

My favorite? Probably Lily by Nick Virgilio. I visited him at Harleigh Cemetery.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nick_Virgilio
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-08-2017, 02:27 PM
 
56 posts, read 20,923 times
Reputation: 81
My mom. I will never get over losing her. 2 peas in a pod we were. We even finished each other sentences.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-08-2017, 07:37 PM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,249,971 times
Reputation: 4554
I don't think anyone truly gets over the loss of someone they love. You learn to live without them, but there will always be something missing, a hole in the heart. I know that people make that adjustment to differing degrees. Some people may find it very difficult to have a life again. Others are more resilient. But that doesn't mean the pain has gone away, or that they no longer feel the loss. I had a psychologist tell me once that the closer we are to a person, the deeper the love for and identification with that person, the harder it will be to adjust to life without them, and I believe that is true. But even if we go on to have meaningful, happy lives, that hurt never leaves us. I have told this story before, so forgive me if you have read it, but my grandmother lost a child when he was 2 years old. She was a wonderful, loving grandmother with a great sense of humor, who died at the age of 86. But all that time, over 60 years, she had kept a little outfit that her lost child had worn. She had requested to be burred with it, and that is what happened; it was folded in her arms in the casket. She had lived many happy years without her child, but the hurt was always there, to her last day.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-10-2017, 08:36 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,851 posts, read 51,316,975 times
Reputation: 27726
Quote:
Originally Posted by mondayafternoons View Post
I've been thinking about this some lately...some losses seem almost impossible to accept if that's the right word-- any words of wisdom for how one can finally come to terms with one of those kind of losses? example- my mother told the story many times of how her own mother never accepted or "got over" ( hate that phrase but not sure how else to say it) the death of her twin sister- they were identical twins and her twin died of an illness in her early twenties. My mother said the rest of her life into her seventies she would look at her picture and lament and talk about her, and how my mom in a way felt affected by it in some way she didn't fully explain much- I am taking it like she felt somewhat neglected at times or that her mom cared more about living in past times remembering her sister than being present with her.
There is complexity in what you state. A child is utterly defenseless and in need of nurture to survive and grow. A mother who is grieving a sister may seem to be neglecting her own child. There is no fault to be ascribed to a child for being narcissistic, as that is a core developmental stage. There are joys between mother and child that can be thwarted by grief and depression, and that is sad, but as an adult the child has to recognize that the mother is and was a real individual with her own flaws and hurts. Only then can the child take ownership of her own life.

As adults, we are still very much children in many ways. When someone we love is taken from us, the game of peek-a-boo that we constantly played with them, asking their opinion, reaching out to touch them, holding them close, ends without their physical presence. Each time that happens we are shocked and hurt. "Why aren't you THERE????"

Our task is to recognize that they are still there, just not with a physical presence. We can reach down inside, we can simply ask, and often there will be some sort of response. It might not be immediate, it might not be as we expect, but there usually is a response.

I might suggest a book - Coleman Barks "The Soul of Rumi." There are many levels of understanding to reading the book. On the first level, Rumi had a friend called Shems or Shams, with whom he had wonderful discussions of the divine. Shems was killed, and Rumi lamented his death, but at the same time he was writing about the lament he had for man being separated from the divine.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-10-2017, 09:28 PM
 
13,010 posts, read 12,445,977 times
Reputation: 37273
My best friend and her mother. They died within 6 months of each other when I was in my early 20s. It's been almost 20 years, and it still hurts. I want to tell them about what's happened since they've been gone. I think there is something exponentially worse about losing two people who were tightly linked to you and each other. When one person dies, you become the sole keeper of the memories shared between you and that person. When two people die, you are responsible for keeping the memories shared between the three of you. I sometimes feel frantic about what I don't remember about them 20 years later.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-11-2017, 09:11 PM
 
Location: 76102
3,207 posts, read 1,486,941 times
Reputation: 9581
I have never gotten over the passing of my mother. I pass the nursing home she spent her last two months of life, everyday, twice a day. It's on the way to/from work. I will be glad when I retire and won't get that daily reminder of my loss.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top