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Old 11-10-2017, 02:43 PM
 
5,753 posts, read 3,038,463 times
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Not everyone needs counseling. Frankly we're in a culture now where that's the first thing people say "get counseling" and it's not the solution for everyone. Some people yes, but it needs to suggested based on what the individual needs and not as a general one size fits all solution.
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Old 11-10-2017, 04:08 PM
 
15,824 posts, read 18,440,406 times
Reputation: 25609
Quote:
Originally Posted by bell235 View Post
I'm just curious. Currently trying to help my boyfriend deal with the traumatic loss of his brother which happened about a month and a half ago. I have suggested counseling but he is extremely against it. I'm worried he won't be able to get through this without professional help. But i started to wonder how many people manage to get through on their own with support from friends and family compared to how many seek out professional help. Does anyone know?

If there are any other suggestions on how i can help him through this, please feel free to respond with that as well. Thank you in advance.
So sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose a sibling. I am thankful that you are there for him.

Your boyfriend would benefit greatly from local support in the form of Bereavement Groups/Grief and Loss groups,(call your local hospital for times/places) and or online grief and loss groups( links below). It wouldn't be out of line imo for you to provide some of this information to him.

I focused on free groups for the links below:

https://www.mastersincounseling.org/...reavement.html

https://www.griefshare.org/
https://www.griefshare.org/findagroup

Grief Support Directory - My Grief Angels

Even one dedicated to traumatic deaths:
Free Grief Counseling

And there are many wonderful sites online where others who have lost loved ones write beautiful stories and sites that can help someone who doesn't know how to grieve get in touch with their feelings. Just type in your browser Bereavement Grief and Loss. Good luck to you.

Last edited by JanND; 11-10-2017 at 04:17 PM..
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Old 11-10-2017, 04:14 PM
 
Location: Kirkland, WA (Metro Seattle)
3,423 posts, read 2,818,158 times
Reputation: 5879
Quote:
Originally Posted by bell235 View Post
I'm just curious. Currently trying to help my boyfriend deal with the traumatic loss of his brother which happened about a month and a half ago. I have suggested counseling but he is extremely against it. I'm worried he won't be able to get through this without professional help. But i started to wonder how many people manage to get through on their own with support from friends and family compared to how many seek out professional help. Does anyone know?

If there are any other suggestions on how i can help him through this, please feel free to respond with that as well. Thank you in advance.
Dunno about "most" anything. All I can speak of is how I dealt with it.

After mom passed, I went on some epic benders. I cleaned up my act 1.5 years later. I had a moderate drinking problem throughout. Not sure one led to the other, but it didn't help. Cleaning up did.

After dad passed, I have friends telling me I've changed. I don't see it, so must assume they are right. I'm a black sheep anyway and deal with things my way.

Those losses were not quite traumatic, more like "100% fatal disease" and "woke up one morning and found out he was dead" at 80-something years old. Neither were unexpected, we might say.

So no, I cope with my own life absent "counseling" though some of it seems to help others.

Not sure what "worried he won't be able to get through this without professional help" means. He needs to man-up and move on, and work through the grieving process while keeping the rest of it together at the same time. If he needs to at the same time change-up everything else in life, and go his own way in the process, well, that's what men do sometimes.
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Old 11-11-2017, 02:05 PM
 
1,314 posts, read 662,937 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
So sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose a sibling. I am thankful that you are there for him.

Your boyfriend would benefit greatly from local support in the form of Bereavement Groups/Grief and Loss groups,(call your local hospital for times/places) and or online grief and loss groups( links below). It wouldn't be out of line imo for you to provide some of this information to him.

I focused on free groups for the links below:

https://www.mastersincounseling.org/...reavement.html

https://www.griefshare.org/
https://www.griefshare.org/findagroup

Grief Support Directory - My Grief Angels

Even one dedicated to traumatic deaths:
Free Grief Counseling

And there are many wonderful sites online where others who have lost loved ones write beautiful stories and sites that can help someone who doesn't know how to grieve get in touch with their feelings. Just type in your browser Bereavement Grief and Loss. Good luck to you.
Thank you for the links and resources. I will take a look !
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Old 11-11-2017, 02:06 PM
 
1,314 posts, read 662,937 times
Reputation: 1561
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondebaerde View Post
Dunno about "most" anything. All I can speak of is how I dealt with it.

After mom passed, I went on some epic benders. I cleaned up my act 1.5 years later. I had a moderate drinking problem throughout. Not sure one led to the other, but it didn't help. Cleaning up did.

After dad passed, I have friends telling me I've changed. I don't see it, so must assume they are right. I'm a black sheep anyway and deal with things my way.

Those losses were not quite traumatic, more like "100% fatal disease" and "woke up one morning and found out he was dead" at 80-something years old. Neither were unexpected, we might say.

So no, I cope with my own life absent "counseling" though some of it seems to help others.

Not sure what "worried he won't be able to get through this without professional help" means. He needs to man-up and move on, and work through the grieving process while keeping the rest of it together at the same time. If he needs to at the same time change-up everything else in life, and go his own way in the process, well, that's what men do sometimes.
Theres a bit of a bender situation going on. Kind of worries me.
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Old 11-13-2017, 02:34 PM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,928 posts, read 24,057,734 times
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I didn't when my husband passed 8 months ago. I am not the type to pour my heart out to strangers.
I've leaned on family and friends, in my case a very good friend who lost her husband quite a few years ago.
I realize some don't have this option but it worked for me.
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Old 11-13-2017, 02:45 PM
 
Location: PA
839 posts, read 958,501 times
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I tried a support group at a local church and a counselor when my father passed. It really didn't help, but it didn't hurt either to try. I didn't have a lot of people close to me to lean on, and a lot of people were dismissive since my father suffered a prolonged illness (yes, he was going to die anyway, but it didn't take away pain). I watched my father die, as well as my mother years earlier, so there was trauma from that hence the reason I tried the therapy route.
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Old 11-13-2017, 05:21 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,639,274 times
Reputation: 33226
Quote:
Originally Posted by bell235 View Post
I'm just curious. Currently trying to help my boyfriend deal with the traumatic loss of his brother which happened about a month and a half ago. I have suggested counseling but he is extremely against it. I'm worried he won't be able to get through this without professional help. But i started to wonder how many people manage to get through on their own with support from friends and family compared to how many seek out professional help. Does anyone know?

If there are any other suggestions on how i can help him through this, please feel free to respond with that as well. Thank you in advance.
First off you're a wonderful girlfriend.

The loss of the sibling can be the greatest loss for many, because siblings are the ones who you normally have the longest relationships in life. Longer than your parents, and longer than friends.

The loss is very recent, support groups(which can be good or bad and sometimes it's a matter of finding the right group) are recommended usually after 3 months of the loss. Start too soon and it's too much to listen to other people in the group and be able to handle their loss.

There is nothing wrong with counseling, again it's about finding the right one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by oldgardener View Post
I never had counseling when my loved ones died. I'm sure it would be nice for some people to have a counselor to talk to about their loss, but I think most people just talk to their family and friends instead, which can be very helpful. Since your boyfriend is extremely against counseling, I wouldn't try to force the issue. Just be there, listen to him when he wants to talk about it, be a shoulder to lean on when necessary.

Grief is something that takes time, more than anything else.
I agree not to force the issue, but here is the problem with just relying on friends and even sometimes family.

The OP's boyfriend took the direct hit in the loss, I have seen it happen where people to be quite frank don't want to hear about it anymore. I know of few situations like this, the people may not mean to be hurtful and insensitive but say things like "You need to move on", "it's been 6 months already"....that could set someone off very easily.

That's why after some time has passed a support group can come in very handy, you are with people who have also suffered a direct loss, maybe not the same as yours, but you're all in the same boat.
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Old 11-13-2017, 05:21 PM
 
Location: Arizona
5,577 posts, read 4,782,672 times
Reputation: 16486
Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post

Guys are often very scared to show weakness of any kind, or deal with the emotions that may come with showing weakness. It is part of the culture.
That is BS. Most guys don't share. Then someone who does like a woman (how's that for a stereotype?) thinks everyone should.

I do not know anyone that ever went to grief counseling. I never did. You grieve, you adjust, and then move on with life. Some take longer than others.
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Old 11-13-2017, 06:56 PM
 
4,829 posts, read 4,808,096 times
Reputation: 6172
My blood is boiling when I hear that word, I can deliver BS by trainload myself free of charge.
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