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Old 01-02-2018, 12:45 AM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,253,758 times
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I think timing can be a key to outside support being useful.

I went to a support group for 10 weeks and it was really, really useful to me. But it was just 2 months after my husband died. Yes, there were terribly sad stories and crying, but I felt like that, too, so there was commonality. I would sometimes come out feeling that I was fortunate in that my situation was better than some of them, even if I did suffer the loss. But mostly I felt that I was actually understood there, and that was helpful. I didn't feel so alone.

Thinking back, if I were to go to that same group now, hear the same stories and have the same intense grief all around me, I would come out feeling really depressed. But that's because it has been 3 years, and I am no longer feeling the intense grief and hopelessness. It would be inappropriate now. So not only are we all different in our needs, we are also each different within our own timelines. The key is getting the right help at the right time. That isn't always easy to discern, but I know that help that is actually appropriate can be hugely important to remaking one's life.
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Old 01-03-2018, 11:07 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,451 posts, read 18,163,061 times
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Once again , GG, spot on post.

I used to drive myself wild, crying uncontrollably and my heart hurting so much I thought it would literally break. I wanted it to break. I wanted to die too. Only child, no family, wore out what couple of friends' ears I did have. Knew no recent widows my age. (59) I did not like the hospice my husband had been in for 3 days, there were no grief groups in my area. Plus my life was going down the tubes without his money. I prayed to God and at the 6 month mark the horrible, burning pain left one night while I was sleeping. Still depressed but better. Fast forward to 6 years in 13 days...My life sucks, living in one room in a private house, little possessions from my previous life and I am still breathing, glad to be though. TIME, time is the only true healer. No one thinks it is, I sure didn't, but it is. If you need help, try to find some. If you can't, TIME will eventually help you, as long as you let it.

God Bless everyone.
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Old 01-06-2018, 11:23 PM
 
Location: Tulare County, Ca
1,031 posts, read 609,381 times
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Tami, I'm so sorry for the downturn in your life. I thought you were living in a really nice apartment in Florida. I think I remember that you posted some pictures of it. Dang girl, hang in there. Your posts helped me so much when my husband passed three years ago on Christmas day. You and GG saved my sanity. May 2018 treat you kinder. You deserve it.
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Old 01-07-2018, 10:10 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,451 posts, read 18,163,061 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by janellen View Post
Tami, I'm so sorry for the downturn in your life. I thought you were living in a really nice apartment in Florida. I think I remember that you posted some pictures of it. Dang girl, hang in there. Your posts helped me so much when my husband passed three years ago on Christmas day. You and GG saved my sanity. May 2018 treat you kinder. You deserve it.
Thank you so much, janellen. Yes, I was in a very nice apt on the East Coast of Florida when I first came down but all the money I had to put out to get into it left me without any money. I was so confused in those days, I sure learned that people are right when they say not to make any big decisions for a year. Well one year was not long enough time for me and when you lose your house, you don't have much choice. No living relatives to turn to for help or counseling was a part of the problem too.

2018 is being kinder to me tyvm. I am "planted" in a nice house, a decent room and have company. The family here is TOTALLY DYSFUNCTIONAL and every day is a wild ride but I am content enough that I stay. They are not robbing me blind of money for rent either.

I am SO pleased, happy and thankful to you for telling GG and I about us helping you. I am so happy that I managed to give back to someone all the sanity helping help I received from people in this forum.

I still get a little depressed when I think of all I have lost but it doesn't last very long when I think of the kindness being shown to me now.

May 2018 be a peaceful one for you, janellen.
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Old 01-07-2018, 11:36 AM
 
1,314 posts, read 664,958 times
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Thank you everyone for sharing. My boyfriend is still suffering . But its only been about 4 months, not enough time for sure. I really do hope time will heal his feelings but as of now things are looking bleak and he does not want professional help. He is actually extremely against it. Time will tell i guess. Thanks again.
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Old 01-07-2018, 11:49 AM
 
18,883 posts, read 6,176,358 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bell235 View Post
Thank you everyone for sharing. My boyfriend is still suffering . But its only been about 4 months, not enough time for sure. I really do hope time will heal his feelings but as of now things are looking bleak and he does not want professional help. He is actually extremely against it. Time will tell i guess. Thanks again.
It's very individual. Some can really use support maybe in the form of support group just to aire their feelings and hear from others. When my bro and his wife lost their 5 yr old to a horrible accident, they went to a fanatic religion and it eventually caused their marriage to break up.

When older people die, it's so much easier to go thru, they've lived LONG lives.

I went to some support when I went thru the "death" of my marriage...got some good advice and support.

TIME Is what we have and your bf has to do it in his TIME.

Many losses are so much tougher to go thru than many others.
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Old 01-07-2018, 12:01 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,451 posts, read 18,163,061 times
Reputation: 18829
Quote:
Originally Posted by bell235 View Post
Thank you everyone for sharing. My boyfriend is still suffering . But its only been about 4 months, not enough time for sure. I really do hope time will heal his feelings but as of now things are looking bleak and he does not want professional help. He is actually extremely against it. Time will tell i guess. Thanks again.
You are very welcome, bell. Like jamin said, it is so individual. You just have to stand back now and watch, be there if he needs or wants you. Very hard to do but that is all you can do now.

Like we say, TIME is the only real healer.

I wish you and your bf the best.

Jamin, so sorry to hear of your nephew's death. What a shame your brother and his wife split. A religion broke apart my daughter and I after her husband committed suicide. I know how deep those b_astards can dig into a grieving person.
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Old 01-07-2018, 02:07 PM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
34,611 posts, read 42,768,368 times
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Some of us stuff our feelings, and it might take a group or counseling to crack us open to let the poison out.
I have not suffered the loss of my husband, but I suspect I will be one of those who puts up a strong front, which I know will only delay dealing with the grief.
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Old 01-10-2018, 10:01 AM
 
Location: St Augustine
234 posts, read 285,900 times
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For what it's worth, I lost my fiancé three year ago this past May. She was taken in an accident and I got the news from a phone call while working in your yard.

I tried dealing with it myself, and then went and seen a Therapist. I felt after several visits that it really wasn't helping me at all. Were I did get help was riding my Harley.


Give him some time and room, as you cannot force him to do anything. One thing I would like to say that just upset me when I was mourning her loss was people felt I needed to let my emotions out and not bottle them up. I am a man that is big, muscled and bald. I will not show emotion in front of others 99% as it is, to guys like me, a show of weakness. I will say that behind closed doors with my family or by myself and I would ball like a baby some nights.

No one ever "gets over it" either, they learn to live with it. For me, I do miss her and doubt I will ever find love like that again, but at least now I can smile when I think of her and how I am a better person because she was in my life.
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