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Old 11-12-2017, 02:25 PM
 
4,840 posts, read 2,145,909 times
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OP: Thank you for finding the strength to come here and seek/accept what comfort is available.

Do seek therapy...seeing our loved ones pass on in such a way...deserves a healing hand.

This journey of sorrow...is intense.

Be gentle to you...

And share when it feels right,we'd love to hear all about him.

My sincere condolences...
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Old 11-12-2017, 02:31 PM
 
9 posts, read 7,134 times
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I am willing to try everything posted in this thread. I have lived a Christian life for 35 years. I pray and talk to God and ask for help. I even spoke with a dear friend who lost his wife last year. He is a devout man of God, far more so than me. We have different political views and we seldom agree on anything, but he is a great friend. I was shocked when he told me that even a year later, he is still hurting, still grieving, still crying, still can't sleep through the night. We agree, we all grieve differently, but what makes this hard is that my child has been sick since birth, 60 hospital visits, so many surgeries I've lost count. I've seen things most people will never see in their lifetime. This started at birth and I have never ever sought help, there was no time to think about me. I carried that stuff for nearly 30 years and I can't unsee that which I have seen. I will stop here, I'm only repeating myself. Why are all the nice people on line, wish you lived next door. I'm gonna sign off now, I wish these dang tears would stop. I feel that now I'm only making myself physically sick knowing I dont have a son, no future daughter in law, no grand children, no one there for me years from now, nothing.

I will try everything you guys have suggested, but I'm going back to bed, nope, not feeling sorry for myself, no pity party either. I haven't slept in days and will try to start a new week hopefully with some rest and some new ideas. Besides, I can't even see right now, so pardon any errors. Thank you all again.
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Old 11-12-2017, 02:52 PM
 
Location: The Jar
20,071 posts, read 13,747,950 times
Reputation: 36712
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustAguy777 View Post
I am willing to try everything posted in this thread. I have lived a Christian life for 35 years. I pray and talk to God and ask for help. I even spoke with a dear friend who lost his wife last year. He is a devout man of God, far more so than me. We have different political views and we seldom agree on anything, but he is a great friend. I was shocked when he told me that even a year later, he is still hurting, still grieving, still crying, still can't sleep through the night. We agree, we all grieve differently, but what makes this hard is that my child has been sick since birth, 60 hospital visits, so many surgeries I've lost count. I've seen things most people will never see in their lifetime. This started at birth and I have never ever sought help, there was no time to think about me. I carried that stuff for nearly 30 years and I can't unsee that which I have seen. I will stop here, I'm only repeating myself. Why are all the nice people on line, wish you lived next door. I'm gonna sign off now, I wish these dang tears would stop. I feel that now I'm only making myself physically sick knowing I dont have a son, no future daughter in law, no grand children, no one there for me years from now, nothing.

I will try everything you guys have suggested, but I'm going back to bed, nope, not feeling sorry for myself, no pity party either. I haven't slept in days and will try to start a new week hopefully with some rest and some new ideas. Besides, I can't even see right now, so pardon any errors. Thank you all again.
Pity parties are allowed and part of the process. It's okay. Allow yourself one. No one will fault you or put unrealistic expectations on you. You have been through years of grief, sorrow, and pain. I wouldn't be surprised if you have PTSD....


Just the few years we've been dealing with hospitals, surgeries, meds, appointments, etc has about gotten the best of us. And you know what? Even we, with all our friends and family, have had to do/go most of it alone. Human beings, especially in the real, often have a hard time knowing what to do or say. They also are frightened by illness that is not correctable or has poor prognosis. Those things remind them how fragile and brief life here on earth is. Those things are uncomfortable, and a bit too scary for most. Then, there's the guilt they can feel if/when their children are healthy.

OP, It's complex, but hang in there!
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Old 11-12-2017, 03:24 PM
 
Location: Lafayette, LA
3,270 posts, read 2,477,313 times
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JustAguy, I have no advice, but I wanted to send hugs and prayers and light your way. Hang in there, and please don't hesitate to ask for help or support. From us here, or from the people in your life.

I'm so sorry.
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Old 11-12-2017, 03:42 PM
 
3,174 posts, read 1,630,885 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by puginabug View Post
JustAguy, I have no advice, but I wanted to send hugs and prayers and light your way. Hang in there, and please don't hesitate to ask for help or support. From us here, or from the people in your life.

I'm so sorry.
I agree. Sometimes it's easy to write about our pain to strangers rather than to speak to people real life.

I lost my brother many years ago. I still grieve the loss. Everyone says things get better with time, but I'm not sure that's true. We adapt. We accept. We are grateful for the memories. We seem to forget the bad and embrace the good times. But I don't believe we ever become whole again. We simple learn how to live with the loss, just as one learns to live after a limb has been severed. Some people advance quicker than others. It doesn't mean the slower ones are weak.

I'm sure if your son could speak he'd tell you he is exceedingly happy and whole where he is. There is no pain or tears or sorrow. He would wish the same for you... and he'd tell you he's thankful you were his dad.
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Old 11-12-2017, 03:47 PM
 
18,804 posts, read 6,138,018 times
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We will always remember the ones we've lost, always. But pain has to get less. I still think of my little 5 yr old nephew who was killed and he would be 35 or so today.

I just lost my sister last year and I wept for her for years before, but know she's out of pain. Her husband and daughter and other loved ones have to find their way without her but will never forget her.

I have a poem that I send to some loved ones' families and will send it in a private message if you'd like to read it. Not knowing you is hard to add comfort sometimes. j
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Old 11-12-2017, 03:55 PM
 
Location: Canada
5,798 posts, read 2,152,412 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustAguy777 View Post
Born sick, and has been sick since birth with one thing after another. I raised my only child by myself. 30 years later after his 25 surgery, he aspirated and went into cardiac arrest. He was laying there in the hospital, dead, more than the 3 minutes allowed before permanent brain damage occurs He was found, resuscitated, suffered irreversible brain damage and given a 1 % chance to live. After 2 weeks of trying everything medically possible to wake him, I had to make the call to turn off life support. He lived 83 minutes. I felt his last breath and heartbeat.

I'm sitting here numb, and in tears, alone, as I do every night. I've tried everything to move on, but I just can't seem to get out of this dark hole. I never knew grief could be so consuming and I never ever knew one could hurt in the ways I'm experiencing.

I've tried everything, how did you move on if this happened to you.
I SURE DO identify with your sense of Grief!! I lost my son ( only 41) who suddenly died/collapsed ( Nov 26th, 2016) with no definitive autopsy that could explain it! So, I agree, it's a grief that really doesn't dissolve!!

My son and myself were connected on so many levels.. tho I cannot prove it!! His actions spoke louder than words!

The Old Adage is true.. No Parent should outlive their children is TRUE... We bring them into this world and do are very best to nurture and mentor them.. BUT when they pass on.. It's an ache felt in one's Heart!! I felt it immediately when my son passed about 20 minutes before I got the call he had collapsed!! SO understand that pain and my heart still feels it even today!!

I do identify identify with you on many many levels.. Please do realize that since you still feel this pain.. YOUR Son is truly on the "Other Side awaiting with open arms for you" on the other side!! Souls do not DIE.. on the physical body.. which I had the chance to see/kiss his eyes.. pet his head to say goodbye to his human form... BUT even today.. I still feel connected.. and sense when my time comes will be re-united!!

Keep the faith OP.. Losing one's child is something NO Parent ever expects.. But experiencing it surely puts us types at trial.. Maintain one THOUGHT... Your Son's soul will be reunited with you {{{Hearts}}}
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Old 11-12-2017, 04:14 PM
 
3,963 posts, read 5,248,587 times
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Yes. I also had no idea that grief would be so consuming. Like you, I learned in an agonizing hurry that a loss like this takes you past, your present and your future. We grieve for all three. I am glad you are going to see your doctor. You need to tell him/her about your trouble sleeping, as lack of sleep makes everything worse. As well as sleep medications, some people go on anti-depressants. I am not making a recommendation at all, as lots of people don't use them. I have a good friend whose son died at age 29, and she went onto anti-depressants. Her loss was years before I met her, so I was not there when she was suffering so. I can tell you that she leads a good life now, although she will always miss her son. I will mention that there are many physical manifestations of extreme grieving: headaches, muscle twitching and cramping,cold hands, sweating, vomiting, insomnia, upset stomach, higher blood pressure and/or heart rate, slowed speech - well that's just a few, but there is a long list. That's why a good doctor can help some times; in addition to referring to coping resources, they can sometimes help with those symptoms of grief.

Like you, I just couldn't concentrate. I really could not watch the TV, I couldn't read at all, had difficulty cooking. I knew that I was a hazard driving because I couldn't keep my mind on the road. For a while, I had others drive me when I needed to go out. I could only think of my husband. Many events in our lives were like constant loops in my mind. Many memories I re-lived a thousand times, I'm sure. It took me about 4 months before my mind allowed me to think at all of anything else. I will tell you something that is a little strange, I know. There is one TV show that for some reason, I could watch. It was the Poirot Mysteries on PBS. I don't know why, but when I put that show on, I was taken up in it, and experienced a little relief. There are sixty-some shows in the series, and I watched every one. I'm not mentioning that to get you to watch it, just to say that sometimes we can find one little thing that breaks up the darkness, if only for a short interval. If you find something like that, stick with it, regardless of how strange it seems.
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Old 11-12-2017, 05:12 PM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
15,577 posts, read 9,650,106 times
Reputation: 34372
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustAguy777 View Post
Born sick, and has been sick since birth with one thing after another. I raised my only child by myself. 30 years later after his 25 surgery, he aspirated and went into cardiac arrest. He was laying there in the hospital, dead, more than the 3 minutes allowed before permanent brain damage occurs He was found, resuscitated, suffered irreversible brain damage and given a 1 % chance to live. After 2 weeks of trying everything medically possible to wake him, I had to make the call to turn off life support. He lived 83 minutes. I felt his last breath and heartbeat.

I'm sitting here numb, and in tears, alone, as I do every night. I've tried everything to move on, but I just can't seem to get out of this dark hole. I never knew grief could be so consuming and I never ever knew one could hurt in the ways I'm experiencing.

I've tried everything, how did you move on if this happened to you.

My God, my heart goes out to you. I am a parent, and I wish I had some words to say that would help you, but I don't think anyone has those words, at a time like this. I can not begin to imagine what you are feeling right now.

All of us are on this earth for such a short time, some less than others, so we have to cherish whatever time the Lord has given us and remember the good times. When the time is right, I would find someone who is versed in these sorts of things, maybe a group setting, and go. I do know, from experience, that talking is the best medicine to help you through it, and you have started that process.

Just know that we care, and are here when you feel the need to lean on someone. I am also a firm believer that our loved ones never really leave us, and we will all be together again some day. God bless, and stay strong for your son, he would want you to to exactly that.
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Old 11-12-2017, 05:38 PM
 
Location: NC
1,779 posts, read 859,518 times
Reputation: 4145
I can't even imagine the pain you are going through. I am so sorry. Which seems so inadequate, but I really am.
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