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Old 11-12-2017, 05:44 PM
 
4,759 posts, read 1,873,849 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustAguy777 View Post
Born sick, and has been sick since birth with one thing after another. I raised my only child by myself. 30 years later after his 25 surgery, he aspirated and went into cardiac arrest. He was laying there in the hospital, dead, more than the 3 minutes allowed before permanent brain damage occurs He was found, resuscitated, suffered irreversible brain damage and given a 1 % chance to live. After 2 weeks of trying everything medically possible to wake him, I had to make the call to turn off life support. He lived 83 minutes. I felt his last breath and heartbeat.

I'm sitting here numb, and in tears, alone, as I do every night. I've tried everything to move on, but I just can't seem to get out of this dark hole. I never knew grief could be so consuming and I never ever knew one could hurt in the ways I'm experiencing.

I've tried everything, how did you move on if this happened to you.
You crawl out of that hole for one reason. The person you lost would not want you to be this way. Simple.
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Old 11-12-2017, 05:45 PM
 
Location: S.W. Florida
1,691 posts, read 668,195 times
Reputation: 4622
Quote:
Originally Posted by otowi View Post
'Alright, here goes. Iím old. What that means is that Iíve survived (so far) and a lot of people Iíve known and loved did not. Iíve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I canít imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But hereís my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I donít want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I donít want it to ďnot matterĒ. I donít want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love.

So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who canít see.

As for grief, youíll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, youíre drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe itís some physical thing. Maybe itís a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe itís a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and donít even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, youíll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out.

But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know whatís going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anythingÖand the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and itís different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at OíHare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but youíll come out.


Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you donít really want them to. But you learn that youíll survive them. And other waves will come. And youíll survive them too. If youíre lucky, youíll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.'
Very nice. Iíd like to use this when speaking with people who have suffered the loss of a loved one.
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Old 11-12-2017, 07:17 PM
 
Location: Norfolk
1,574 posts, read 1,979,554 times
Reputation: 5073
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustAguy777 View Post
I am willing to try everything posted in this thread. I have lived a Christian life for 35 years. I pray and talk to God and ask for help. I even spoke with a dear friend who lost his wife last year. He is a devout man of God, far more so than me. We have different political views and we seldom agree on anything, but he is a great friend. I was shocked when he told me that even a year later, he is still hurting, still grieving, still crying, still can't sleep through the night. We agree, we all grieve differently, but what makes this hard is that my child has been sick since birth, 60 hospital visits, so many surgeries I've lost count. I've seen things most people will never see in their lifetime. This started at birth and I have never ever sought help, there was no time to think about me. I carried that stuff for nearly 30 years and I can't unsee that which I have seen. I will stop here, I'm only repeating myself. Why are all the nice people on line, wish you lived next door. I'm gonna sign off now, I wish these dang tears would stop. I feel that now I'm only making myself physically sick knowing I dont have a son, no future daughter in law, no grand children, no one there for me years from now, nothing.

I will try everything you guys have suggested, but I'm going back to bed, nope, not feeling sorry for myself, no pity party either. I haven't slept in days and will try to start a new week hopefully with some rest and some new ideas. Besides, I can't even see right now, so pardon any errors. Thank you all again.
My husband committed suicide 18 months ago. There were no signs, no signals, no nothing. He was here and then he was dead.

I was in shock for about 15 months. I had constant chest pain, lost 40 pounds, couldn't sleep, suffered severe memory problems, and on and on. I was the walking dead. Every night, I prayed that God would let me die in my sleep.

At this point, I suspect that you're still in shock.

Grief like this takes a lot of time to heal. It's not two steps forward and one step back. It's more like an Etch-a-Sketch. Your emotions will be all over the map, and that's normal.

People who haven't experienced this kind of trauma can't possibly understand (God bless them). And some of those folks will tell you, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle."

That's one platitude that really should be retired for it's just BS.

Try to live your life in 15-minute increments. Try to remember to eat from time to time. Be gentle with yourself. Regard yourself compassionately.

I remain hopeful - for both of us - that this searing emotional pain can be assuaged with time.
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Old 11-12-2017, 07:29 PM
 
Location: San Bernardino County (previously L.A.)
4,483 posts, read 7,537,562 times
Reputation: 3872
I'm so very sorry for your loss. You & your son were both very blesses to have each other in your lives. From what I've heard, it takes a person a good year to get over a loved one's passing, so it will take time. It's also harder when the death happened unexpectedly as opposed to knowing it will happen soon.

I know no words that anyone says will make the pain & sorrow go away. I hope that eventually, you can be your old self again & you will.

Peace be w/ you.
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Old 11-12-2017, 07:41 PM
 
Location: Norfolk
1,574 posts, read 1,979,554 times
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For a sudden loss, expect 2-3 years to recover. For a sudden loss with trauma, it's closer to five years.

Or so I have been told by many health-care professionals.
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Old 11-12-2017, 10:29 PM
 
Location: In my skin
8,872 posts, read 13,849,894 times
Reputation: 8725
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustAguy777 View Post
Born sick, and has been sick since birth with one thing after another. I raised my only child by myself. 30 years later after his 25 surgery, he aspirated and went into cardiac arrest. He was laying there in the hospital, dead, more than the 3 minutes allowed before permanent brain damage occurs He was found, resuscitated, suffered irreversible brain damage and given a 1 % chance to live. After 2 weeks of trying everything medically possible to wake him, I had to make the call to turn off life support. He lived 83 minutes. I felt his last breath and heartbeat.

I'm sitting here numb, and in tears, alone, as I do every night. I've tried everything to move on, but I just can't seem to get out of this dark hole. I never knew grief could be so consuming and I never ever knew one could hurt in the ways I'm experiencing.

I've tried everything, how did you move on if this happened to you.
I saw his in the active threads section while I was on another discussion. I don't presume to have the words to assuage your unimaginable loss right now. But I am sending you so many hugs. I'm so sorry.
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Old 11-12-2017, 10:56 PM
 
1,369 posts, read 422,296 times
Reputation: 2691
JustAguy777 -- Just checking in on you again. Tomorrow is Monday -- I would call and check up on some grief support groups -- there are bound to be some around, fairly close to you. I really like the idea of a walk -- always a healthy thing to do -- but be careful, since you have not been getting sleep, and stay out of stormy weather since your resistance is probably low right now. [Btw, off-topic, but did you have a chance to get a flu shot this fall? -- you have been at the hospital and so busy lately. If not, try to get one this week.] And how about buying a quart of the expensive chicken noodle soup? It has great medicinal qualities. Go splurge!!!

How about getting back to church? Best way to get to know people is by joining in some activities -- maybe a Sunday School class?

I'm going to throw this in the idea bowl, too. Is there a possibility you can adopt a shelter animal? Because there are lonely animals out there at your local shelter needing a home and companionship.

Just one day at a time -- that's all you have to do right now, JustAguy.
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Old 11-13-2017, 12:10 AM
 
Location: PNW
2,206 posts, read 736,840 times
Reputation: 7216
Justaguy -

We, too, lost our only child, although under different circumstances.

You raised your child alone, with no one to share the responsibilities and experiences - good and bad - and while I'm sure it was often draining, caring for him was your life. So now you don't know what to do with your time, you no longer feel needed, and you miss him so much it's painful.

When mine crossed over I told myself immediately that life WILL go on. If you didn't have many interests before then it will be hard to start working on that now. But what you CAN do, is process your grief in ways that are therapeutic and productive. For example, I created photo albums with pictures in chronological order, and this project took a while but it gave me something good to do (inbetween tears, of course). I also put together a collection of funny memories and assembled them into a binder. This one gave me a lof ot comfort. I also got busier with gardening because it was something to nurture in her absence. Things like this will keep him close to you while helping to heal a little at at ime.

My heart goes out to you.
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Old 11-13-2017, 12:25 AM
 
2,687 posts, read 965,584 times
Reputation: 5141
The only people who can really understand what you're suffering are those who've gone through it, so I'm glad you're going to talk to your doctor and I hope you can find a support group. You need to talk about your son and your pain. I don't know how you could think or talk about anything else right now. You need to let it all out. Grieving is like an exorcism; it's a horrible process but the only way out the other side is to wade right in and keep going. You're doing just fine so far. I wish I could help you, but I can only hope you find the help you need.
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Old 11-13-2017, 06:33 AM
 
Location: Former LI'er Now a Rehoboth Beach Bunny
7,247 posts, read 9,603,280 times
Reputation: 6908
My goodness you don't even realize how strong you are anymore. I know you are grieving and there is a huge hole in your heart and life, but, I for one am in awe of all of your accomplishments on behalf of your son. Only a strong person could do what you have done. You need to think (not act) now, about what you can do to honor your son and the life you two had together. Perhaps, it could be to plant a garden in his memory or if that is too much for you right now, maybe just a shrub or tree. You have spent the past 30 years taking care of him and now you need to find a purpose in your life now that your son, whose life was dependent upon you is no longer in need of your care. Try to think about the things that you can do to keep his memory alive. Was there something that despite his illness brought him joy? Try to get involved in something like that. For example; Did you read to him? Maybe you can volunteer to read to some children. I suggest that you think and research these type of things and not act just yet. You need some time. I believe that a child who has received so much love and attention from a dad like you, would be happy to see you moving on to honor the life that you built for the both of you. Regardless of whether or not you are religious, seek counsel from the church/synogogue support groups that many denominations offer. You will find that you are not alone in your grief, that the things you are experiencing are normal and that they do paralyze others too. Through a "community" of bereaved you will find the ability to move on. You will never forget, nor should you, but, please speak to your physician about this. I know you will be ok eventually and I will keep you in my prayers. You were lucky to have each other.
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