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Old 11-15-2017, 06:52 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,863 posts, read 51,384,651 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ringo1 View Post
I have not lost a child so I do not know the depth of that grief. I can only imagine. I did grow up watching my parents survive the death of their 8 year old son in a bicycle accident.

Some people told me that it changed my mother forever. My father seemed better able to cope. He was in the army at the time and right after my brother's death - he got an order to transfer to Germany. He still believes that his CO did this to help him and he said it did.

A complete and total chance of scenery - out of the country. Out of the house where my brother lived; away from the little church where they went as a family and there were constant reminders.

I remember my father telling my cousin (after he lost HIS teen-age son) that they can get through this. That it doesn't seem so now ~ but that slowly life will go on. Right about then - my cousin (in the reserves) got an order to move to Puerto Rico which he did for 4 years.

Every year - we would visit our family's gravesite and 40 years after the fact - my mother would still cry on that day. But she did go on to live; to have another child; to travel, and to have friends. I doubt that her son was ever very far from her mind ~ but she did go on.

May peace be with you. Be very, very kind to yourself in the days and weeks to come.
You bring up a very important subject. There are times in your life that you may think that certain people are not understanding, are being complete jerks, are totally insensitive. Sometimes they are, but more often than you might think there is a favor being done.

That CO had an understanding and a type of compassion that many people can't understand. There are times when what you describe is exactly what is needed to allow healing to occur. To be willing to suffer the hatred that can occur by thwarting a downward spiral is truly the gift of a bodhisattva. Some people may call them angels, some may just be confused, but there are many out there who want people to become the best that they can be, to overcome their own suffering and help others. They might come with Sargent stripes, they might be a bum on the street that somehow says the right thing at the right time. Be open to the best in people. Almost always it is there, and when it isn't YOU are being the best for others.
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Old 11-15-2017, 10:26 PM
 
1,847 posts, read 970,080 times
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I have heard good things about this group, https://www.compassionatefriends.org/
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Old 11-16-2017, 01:07 AM
 
1,040 posts, read 543,719 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustAguy777 View Post
I'm not close with to family and friends have been there for me, but nothing, nothing seems to help. I hate getting up each day as it seems as if each morning is the same as the last. It feels like a knife in my heart cutting down to my gut, painted with the most unbearable sadness that renders me unable to even get out of bed sometimes. I needed to puck up some groceries on Wednesday and didnt, because I just couldn't, until yesterday. Just no physical strength, I feel weak constantly even though I'm eating. I'm going to see my doctor this week to seek help.

I just want to stop hurting. The things I saw in the hospital, and the gruesome surgeries for 30 years are embeded in my head. Everyday is the same and I'm just tired of being sad, never smiling or laughing. Nothing brings any pleasure, I can't even clear my head, always in a fog, can't read, hard to watch tv and I'm just sick of all of it. I'm not even me anymore and I know it's just grief, but I want to move on and don't feel I ever will. I loved him dearly, I raised him alone, and now he's gone and it was my decision to turn off life support. You know, I'm tired of complaining, I'm sick of sounding weak, I don't want pity, just searching for answers. So I'm just gonna stop talking about it and stop blubbering as now I'm crying again and my head is pounding.
I cannot imagine what you are going through. But, sometimes it's possible for more than one thing to be happening. For example clinical depression and also grief can be going on at the same time. It's good you're already seeing a doctor - keep doing that. Best to you.
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Old 11-17-2017, 05:51 PM
 
9 posts, read 7,148 times
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Thank you all again for all the kind words of encouragements. I'm still trying, just hope things change soon.

Take care
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Old 11-17-2017, 06:05 PM
 
5,607 posts, read 1,964,362 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustAguy777 View Post
Born sick, and has been sick since birth with one thing after another. I raised my only child by myself. 30 years later after his 25 surgery, he aspirated and went into cardiac arrest. He was laying there in the hospital, dead, more than the 3 minutes allowed before permanent brain damage occurs He was found, resuscitated, suffered irreversible brain damage and given a 1 % chance to live. After 2 weeks of trying everything medically possible to wake him, I had to make the call to turn off life support. He lived 83 minutes. I felt his last breath and heartbeat.

I'm sitting here numb, and in tears, alone, as I do every night. I've tried everything to move on, but I just can't seem to get out of this dark hole. I never knew grief could be so consuming and I never ever knew one could hurt in the ways I'm experiencing.

I've tried everything, how did you move on if this happened to you.
Dear OP. My heart is broken for you. I am so very sorry. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through. I hope you have loved ones around you who can comfort and help you during this time. Hugs to you, dear one.
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Old 11-17-2017, 07:42 PM
 
Location: Illinois USA
291 posts, read 148,354 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustAguy777 View Post
Born sick, and has been sick since birth with one thing after another. I raised my only child by myself. 30 years later after his 25 surgery, he aspirated and went into cardiac arrest. He was laying there in the hospital, dead, more than the 3 minutes allowed before permanent brain damage occurs He was found, resuscitated, suffered irreversible brain damage and given a 1 % chance to live. After 2 weeks of trying everything medically possible to wake him, I had to make the call to turn off life support. He lived 83 minutes. I felt his last breath and heartbeat.

I'm sitting here numb, and in tears, alone, as I do every night. I've tried everything to move on, but I just can't seem to get out of this dark hole. I never knew grief could be so consuming and I never ever knew one could hurt in the ways I'm experiencing.

I've tried everything, how did you move on if this happened to you.
as a dad my heart goes out to you
I have a 3 yr old and often think how i would feel if he dies and it makes me shudder to just think about it

let me ask you something ( I apologize if its inappropriate) can you have more kids ?

if so have you thought about it ?

Again I' m just trying to help , I'm really really sorry for your loss
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Old 11-17-2017, 08:37 PM
 
Location: MID ATLANTIC
7,603 posts, read 17,648,062 times
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JA777, I wish I could carry your pain and lighten your load. Losing a child (my oldest is also 30) is beyond my comprehension. Unfortunately, you don't get to my age without being around death. I was close to both of my parents, lost my mom 5 years before my dad. My mom's death rocked my world. I cried non-stop for 2 weeks and her death was not a surprise she was terminally ill and I was exhausted as her PCG. She died in June. She sang in her church's choir. The following December the choir put on an All Saints concert for the congregation and families that lost loved ones. From the opening note of that service, to the end, I quietly sobbed. It was close to 11 years before I went to a church service of any kind, other than my father's funeral. My first funeral afterwards was a co-worker's, and now we were a decade later and I cried all the way through the service. Later I found out co-workers thought we seeing each other, even though we were both married, lol.

I can only share there will be many "firsts." Your first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, your first Father's Day. Be kind to yourself. Know these triggers are coming and prepare yourself. Find a support system, in real life, or online, it matters not. Others like yourself will be planning how to survive these days. Support has so many different faces. But please know, while we may not know your exact pain, many of us do understand grief and its ability to to slice you through your very core.

Cut yourself slack and give yourself permission to grieve. It's something we must do.....if you hold back, it will still get you. So take in the grief and know you are getting closer to healing with each tear. My very wise 24 year old told me the other day that we grieve every death differently. And he is right. I wonder sometimes if I didn't give myself time to grieve for my father, and that is why I was a mess at a co-worker's service.

Take care of yourself......if something feels right, do it. If it doesn't, don't do it. There's no wrong or right, just your way.
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Old 11-17-2017, 09:09 PM
 
72 posts, read 43,052 times
Reputation: 119
You live for you child. You grieve but you use it a s reminder that life is precious. I am so so sorry. My heart aches for you.

You will meet them again and they continue on.

It's hard, so hard. But as you know life is so precious and inscrutable. When you can, use your loss for good.

God Bless
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Old 11-17-2017, 10:55 PM
 
Location: El paso,tx
1,506 posts, read 577,369 times
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I'm so very sorry for your loss. The loss of having certain things to do will make it feel even emptier. When you fill your days with caring for someone sick, not having them there makes it feel really empty/alone.
Nothing will take away the pain of your loss, but maybe consider fostering a dog for a dog rescue if you like dogs. It will give you a reason to get up, go out, have some kind of routine. You would be helping each other. And as a foster, it wouldn't have to be a long term commitment. You could tell them you would like to try it for a month, and see what you think. Just be sure to be honest about what energy level you want, and grooming requirements, etc.
The other suggestion is to buy the book "We are not forgotten" by George Anderson. It doesn't matter if you are religious or not...its very comforting, helps explain why we are here, and offers hope. Everyone that I've given it to has truly found it really comforting. I lost my father in 95, my oldest brother at age 40 in 97, my grandmother (mom's mother) in 98, and my brother that was 14 mo older than me this yr suddenly in january. That book provided a lot of comfort to my mother and I, as well as friends who have lost loved ones. My mom is still trying to deal with the pain of losing 2 of her kids. She was there for my oldest brother when he collapsed in the driveway and died, and was living with my other brother, and found him dead in bed in the morning. She says that the only way to go thru each day, is allow some time to grieve, but then push it back in your mind/compartmentalize it, at other times, so you can try to "do normal," and get thru the day.

Last edited by Spottednikes; 11-17-2017 at 11:11 PM..
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Old 11-18-2017, 12:30 AM
 
Location: southern born and southern bred
12,480 posts, read 14,385,238 times
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I can't seem to post as eloquently as most here have done but this is really a compassionate group of fine people. I too felt a rip in my heart for you when I read your post. To lose anyone near and dear is so sad but to lose a child no matter the age is horrific. Sends ripples of fear and tears throughout my soul. I feel for you so much. I can only imagine that time will be your friend. You have to wait it out, feel your grief, let the grief overtake you when you feel the need to do so. But that friend called TIME will one day sneak up on you and you'll realize that you have suddenly laughed for the first time in a long time, smiled at a stranger, felt tremendous hunger.
I can't say I know how you feel but to even imagine it breaks my heart.
I've lost a LOT of cousins,aunts,uncles,etc because our family is so very large. The cousins were at varying ages but quite young. Like birth to age 16. So sad and hit me hard.
Please continue to post here and update us on how you're doing.
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