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Old 11-11-2017, 06:55 PM
9 posts, read 7,138 times
Reputation: 127


Born sick, and has been sick since birth with one thing after another. I raised my only child by myself. 30 years later after his 25 surgery, he aspirated and went into cardiac arrest. He was laying there in the hospital, dead, more than the 3 minutes allowed before permanent brain damage occurs He was found, resuscitated, suffered irreversible brain damage and given a 1 % chance to live. After 2 weeks of trying everything medically possible to wake him, I had to make the call to turn off life support. He lived 83 minutes. I felt his last breath and heartbeat.

I'm sitting here numb, and in tears, alone, as I do every night. I've tried everything to move on, but I just can't seem to get out of this dark hole. I never knew grief could be so consuming and I never ever knew one could hurt in the ways I'm experiencing.

I've tried everything, how did you move on if this happened to you.
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Old 11-11-2017, 08:21 PM
Location: San Francisco
15,815 posts, read 4,933,811 times
Reputation: 48042
I am so sorry ((((((((((((((((JustAGuy777)))))))))))))))). Losing a child is the worst pain a parent can experience. I wish you comfort in your sorrow and hope that you have lots of support from family and friends to help you get through this. There's no getting over such an agonizing loss, though with time the pain will become more bearable. Please take care and don't let his death destroy you. Instead, live every day that remains to you in a way that would make him proud that you were his father.
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Old 11-11-2017, 09:09 PM
Location: 76102
3,205 posts, read 1,486,941 times
Reputation: 9581
I can only imagine your devestation. I, too, have one son. He has a high-risk occupation (OTR trucker) and I worry about him every single day. I just don't think about ever getting "the call"....I could not bear it.
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Old 11-11-2017, 09:21 PM
1,365 posts, read 421,692 times
Reputation: 2686
JustAGuy777 -- I am so very sorry. Like the above poster said, this is the worst pain a parent can experience. It hurts. Badly. I pray, as you experience this shock, you have someone there with you and that you will have someone with you the next couple of nights for company. It is okay to get up and have a fireside chat at 3:00 am. Its okay to take a brisk walk in the chilly wind. Its okay to listen to favorite songs. Its okay to go on a cleaning spree.

Keep the memories alive and cherish them. Perhaps, in time, a grief support group may connect you with others in similar circumstances. But right now, I hope someone can come and be with you, and lend a soft shoulder, so to speak. And there are many very kind caring people right here on City-Data. Sending a gentle hug.
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Old 11-11-2017, 09:32 PM
Location: NC/SC Border Patrol
21,136 posts, read 21,129,613 times
Reputation: 23168
I am sorry. Grief counseling would be a good option for you. If not, make yourself go out if for nothing but a walk each day. Don't force a smile when you feel like crying. Cry as much as you need to. But do go out in public and let others see you in pain so they can comfort you. It is time to let others help you. You deserve to be comforted. The longer you stay in the harder it will be to get over it. Put one foot in front of the other foot and keep going. One day you will go because you want to be there.
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Old 11-11-2017, 10:45 PM
3,964 posts, read 5,249,971 times
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I have not experienced the loss of a child, but my assumption is that it is unimaginably devastating. I's sure words cannot describe it. I know you have put everything you have into this son who needed ongoing care. I don't blame you for feeling you are in a dark hole. There really is nothing anyone can say that will lift the darkness. But it will gradually get better. It is true, as people have said, that as much as possible, you need to lean on others who are sympathetic. I think it would be good to find a person or persons who have lost a child because no other loss is like that. In the meantime, try to take care of yourself. Eat, sleep, talk to your doctor if you think you need that. Walk in the sunshine, even though you just want to curl into a ball in the dark. Maybe look into Compassionate Friends, an online community of parents who have lost children. https://www.compassionatefriends.org...ewly-bereaved/ I have no experience with this group or others like it, but this might give you a start.

Remember that you are not alone. Many people have lost their beloved children, and somehow they have survived to live again, so it is possible. Hang on. I wish you the blessings of patience, strength, and peace.
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Old 11-12-2017, 07:36 AM
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,928 posts, read 24,057,734 times
Reputation: 10744
There are no words I can type that will bring you comfort.
The loss of a child at any age has to be devastating as it's not the way it's supposed to be.

I am so very sorry for your loss, and I know those words sound hollow at this time.

try to lean on others, family, friends even a support group.
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Old 11-12-2017, 08:29 AM
5,006 posts, read 6,683,532 times
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'Alright, here goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love.

So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.

As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out.

But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.'
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Old 11-12-2017, 08:34 AM
9 posts, read 7,138 times
Reputation: 127
Thank you all for your warm and king replies. I've tried everything you've listed and I did indeed ask my doctor to direct me towards a grief support group.

I'm not close with to family and friends have been there for me, but nothing, nothing seems to help. I hate getting up each day as it seems as if each morning is the same as the last. It feels like a knife in my heart cutting down to my gut, painted with the most unbearable sadness that renders me unable to even get out of bed sometimes. I needed to puck up some groceries on Wednesday and didnt, because I just couldn't, until yesterday. Just no physical strength, I feel weak constantly even though I'm eating. I'm going to see my doctor this week to seek help.

I just want to stop hurting. The things I saw in the hospital, and the gruesome surgeries for 30 years are embeded in my head. Everyday is the same and I'm just tired of being sad, never smiling or laughing. Nothing brings any pleasure, I can't even clear my head, always in a fog, can't read, hard to watch tv and I'm just sick of all of it. I'm not even me anymore and I know it's just grief, but I want to move on and don't feel I ever will. I loved him dearly, I raised him alone, and now he's gone and it was my decision to turn off life support. You know, I'm tired of complaining, I'm sick of sounding weak, I don't want pity, just searching for answers. So I'm just gonna stop talking about it and stop blubbering as now I'm crying again and my head is pounding.

I thank you all for your time, prayers, suggestions and advice. God bless you all and again, thank you.

I'm praying for you and your loss as well, take care.
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Old 11-12-2017, 08:37 AM
340 posts, read 149,646 times
Reputation: 938
I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must be enduring. Your son knows how much you loved and supported him. In time you will feel like you can get through the day even though that feels like a million years away, it will happen.
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