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Old 12-02-2017, 05:15 AM
 
1,046 posts, read 711,743 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerania View Post
My sister doesn't want to talk about it after 25 years. About five years ago, I told her that I remembered him as a beautiful little boy. She became very upset and hung up on me.
It’s a delicate situation. Our daughter lost her baby daughter, and I will tell you that to see that level of grief in your own child is almost unbearable. She went through times where she wanted us to talk about her daughter, but other periods where you can sense it needs to be a “quieter” time of grieving.
I will say this: ANYONE who thinks they have a sad or hard life needs to go spend an hour walking around a baby/child cemetery. You will soon realize that you have nothing to complain about.
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Old 12-02-2017, 06:17 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,879 posts, read 32,642,286 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
That sounds really positive, Kathryn. Good for you! Sometimes we need to just take responsibility for our own happiness. It is a hard lesson to learn, however. Lots of people let others "make" them unhappy.

I didn't have a situation anything like yours. But next Wednesday is the 3rd anniversary of my husband's death. So far, I am enjoying the Christmas season pretty well. I can still look back and wish that he were with me, but it is wistful rather than painful now. My life is very, very different than it was 3 years ago, and I think that has helped me to heal. Although sometimes it felt like I was feeling my way through, I've shaped my life the way that makes me feel best.

And I'm really glad your counseling was "great." A good counselor can help us change our lives.
You "get it." Wow, I was just talking about all this with my daughter yesterday and we discussed the whole errant concept of allowing our own personal joy or happiness to depend on other people. NO BUENO. No one else can "make us" be joyful - or miserable - though we can choose to give them that power over us. But it's always within our own power, and our own responsibility.

You describe your feelings about your current holidays very well - and to me there's nothing wrong with being wistful - or with grieving. But it has it's time and place, and I don't like allowing grief to control my life or dominate my emotions after a time. This time varies with each person and situation but still - I think we all know when it's past it's appropriate time and effect.

And yes, good grief counseling can help put things into their proper places in our lives.
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Old 12-02-2017, 07:42 AM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,693 posts, read 21,741,083 times
Reputation: 27742
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharpydove View Post
It’s a delicate situation. Our daughter lost her baby daughter, and I will tell you that to see that level of grief in your own child is almost unbearable. She went through times where she wanted us to talk about her daughter, but other periods where you can sense it needs to be a “quieter” time of grieving.
I will say this: ANYONE who thinks they have a sad or hard life needs to go spend an hour walking around a baby/child cemetery. You will soon realize that you have nothing to complain about.
I now know why that happened. When our mother died, she told me that she deleted her phone number from her cell because it made her sad to look at it. She like a honey bee; she seals things into little compartments.
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Old 12-02-2017, 09:02 AM
 
567 posts, read 212,534 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
May I suggest not trying to "replace," but to add to those that you allow to come close? To be "replaced" would be sad and shallow. To recognize uniqueness and try to find similar positive aspects in others is honoring all.
Well said!

Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
C.S. Lewis names this longing with the German word sehnsucht. He calls it “the inconsolable longing in the heart for we know not what.”
“Inconsolable longing”. Yes, that describes how I feel about the loss of my best friend, my husband, my youngest daughter and the uncle who raised me. No one can take their place. I will never know love like theirs again. My life will never be the same. All so painfully true.

Oddly enough though, Willie Nelson’s song, To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before, awoke me to the possibility that I can enjoy different kinds of love with different people (and pets) IF I allow it. I now view my life as a book with many chapters and many characters coming and going throughout those chapters. I am learning to appreciate each and every one for their unique contributions towards my happiness, and I am grateful for the time, however long or short, I get to spend with them. Yes goodbyes still hurt, letting go is a constant struggle, and memories may bring a smile or tears. But hellos are a balm to my soul. I now look forward to meeting new people and sharing new experiences with them. I am healing.

I hope each of you find your own healing path in due time.
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Old 12-02-2017, 09:27 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,879 posts, read 32,642,286 times
Reputation: 57005
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miz Ree View Post
Well said!



“Inconsolable longing”. Yes, that describes how I feel about the loss of my best friend, my husband, my youngest daughter and the uncle who raised me. No one can take their place. I will never know love like theirs again. My life will never be the same. All so painfully true.

Oddly enough though, Willie Nelson’s song, To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before, awoke me to the possibility that I can enjoy different kinds of love with different people (and pets) IF I allow it. I now view my life as a book with many chapters and many characters coming and going throughout those chapters. I am learning to appreciate each and every one for their unique contributions towards my happiness, and I am grateful for the time, however long or short, I get to spend with them. Yes goodbyes still hurt, letting go is a constant struggle, and memories may bring a smile or tears. But hellos are a balm to my soul. I now look forward to meeting new people and sharing new experiences with them. I am healing.

I hope each of you find your own healing path in due time.
BINGO. You get it and I love the way you put it.

It's never a matter of "replacing" anyone - it's more a matter of moving forward and accepting and enjoying - and yes, sometimes seeking out - different styles and levels of love. One day you look around and realize that your life is full again. It's not the same, it's never the same, but it's still good.
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Old 12-04-2017, 10:21 AM
 
Location: PA
839 posts, read 957,758 times
Reputation: 1753
Its funny because I don't have a lot of friendships or other people/types of love in my life or much going on this season. I don't think that will happen in the only 3 weeks till Christmas. however, I am dealing with this upcoming Christmas season by actually keeping busy with something new - decorating our yard and inside the house. Our house looks beautiful right now, and I am not done! I know its a weird way to deal, but my family was always burdened by decorations, so I am learning to enjoy them and go big or go home with them! I will be buying lots and lots on the 26th to decorate the house even more next year! I'm creating my own new tradition! Maybe I will even make my own mega-wreath??? I will have THAT house on the block come next year!!!
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