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Old 10-21-2018, 01:10 PM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
52,878 posts, read 52,029,307 times
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I've told this story before, but I think it's up there with Things Not To Say To A Grieving Person.

My mother was the mayor's representative for the town library board. As it became apparent that my brother was dying at 51, my mother told the mayor she could no longer be on the board because she was caring for her son. The mayor was also a mother who had a lost a son of her own in a construction accident.

My brother died, and I was standing next to her in front of my brother's casket at the funeral home when in walks the mayor. She comes up to my mother and says, "I'm sorry about your son, but now maybe you'll have time to come back and serve on the library board." My mom just looked sort of confused and simply said, "We'll see" or something to that effect.
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Old 10-21-2018, 01:40 PM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
29,269 posts, read 18,544,260 times
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That's horrible. ^^^^

Someone AT the funeral said I must be crying crocodile tears (the funeral was long).

Um, yeah, it's like 7 days after my husband died unexpectedly.... so I must be faking my grief at that that late date.....
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Old 10-21-2018, 02:53 PM
 
Location: PNW
2,380 posts, read 809,670 times
Reputation: 7837
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
I've told this story before, but I think it's up there with Things Not To Say To A Grieving Person.

The mayor was also a mother who had a lost a son of her own in a construction accident.

My brother died, and I was standing next to her in front of my brother's casket at the funeral home when in walks the mayor. She comes up to my mother and says, "I'm sorry about your son, but now maybe you'll have time to come back and serve on the library board."
Unfrigginbelievable! And the mayor lost a child of her own, which makes her insensitivity even worse! A lot of people are just better off not saying a damn thing when they're around grief.
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Old 10-21-2018, 05:11 PM
 
Location: Currently traveling through NC
577 posts, read 292,003 times
Reputation: 1797
"He's in a better place" took the cake for me as worst, most insensitive comment when my dear father died. Even if you have some misguided belief that this is so, please keep it to yourself. The place I wanted him was still here, with me and my family. There was not a " better place".
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Old 10-21-2018, 05:48 PM
 
12,243 posts, read 5,906,680 times
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This wasn't a 'worst thing to say' but I couldn't believe one of her friends that I notified started talking to me about her UTI. I was like I don't care! And a friend of mine thought she should babble and babble about herself to 'take my mind off my grief' I was like you don't have to listen, but it's a bit soon for that for me. I want to talk about it! People can be weird.
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Old 10-25-2018, 04:25 PM
Status: "If you’ve eaten today thank a farmer!" (set 13 days ago)
 
Location: Lark Farm
4,212 posts, read 2,453,449 times
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After my bother was murdered someone who had lost her son to cancer told me that she hurt worse from losing him than I hurt from losing my brother. I didn’t know grief was a contest, all I knew was I was hurting like hell. I would never presume my loss is larger than someone else’s.
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Old 10-25-2018, 04:40 PM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
20,768 posts, read 4,378,454 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Larksong View Post
After my bother was murdered someone who had lost her son to cancer told me that she hurt worse from losing him than I hurt from losing my brother. I didn’t know grief was a contest, all I knew was I was hurting like hell. I would never presume my loss is larger than someone else’s.
How insensitive, Larksong. I'm so sorry someone said this to you!

And so sorry for the loss of your brother.

People can say the most ridiculous things!!
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Old 10-25-2018, 08:54 PM
 
Location: PNW
2,380 posts, read 809,670 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Larksong View Post
After my bother was murdered someone who had lost her son to cancer told me that she hurt worse from losing him than I hurt from losing my brother. I didn’t know grief was a contest, all I knew was I was hurting like hell. I would never presume my loss is larger than someone else’s.
She was able to say goodbye to her son; you were not. Her son died with his mother at his side, not in terror at the hands of someone else. How horrible of her!

I lost my teen to a car accident. Two days later my boss lost her daughter to suicide. At the same time, a contractor we both knew lost his son when his fiancé pushed him off a cliff. Several years later, someone else at work lost one son that was murdered by the brother. All of us grieved terribly at the losses, and not a one of us was able to say goodbye. On the other hand, losing a loved one to a disease means watching that person die. So, no, there is contest when it comes to grief.

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Last edited by harry chickpea; 10-25-2018 at 09:58 PM..
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Old 10-26-2018, 12:43 PM
Status: "If you’ve eaten today thank a farmer!" (set 13 days ago)
 
Location: Lark Farm
4,212 posts, read 2,453,449 times
Reputation: 38719
Quote:
Originally Posted by greatblueheron View Post
How insensitive, Larksong. I'm so sorry someone said this to you!

And so sorry for the loss of your brother.

People can say the most ridiculous things!!
Thank you for your kind words. To add insult to injury I had lost my mom to cancer just six months before my brother was killed and this person knew that.

I tried really hard to let it pass as one of those foot in mouth moments but even years later those words of hers still sting.
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Old 10-26-2018, 12:52 PM
Status: "If you’ve eaten today thank a farmer!" (set 13 days ago)
 
Location: Lark Farm
4,212 posts, read 2,453,449 times
Reputation: 38719
Quote:
Originally Posted by Luckystrike1 View Post
She was able to say goodbye to her son; you were not. Her son died with his mother at his side, not in terror at the hands of someone else. How horrible of her!

I lost my teen to a car accident. Two days later my boss lost her daughter to suicide. At the same time, a contractor we both knew lost his son when his fiancé pushed him off a cliff. Several years later, someone else at work lost one son that was murdered by the brother. All of us grieved terribly at the losses, and not a one of us was able to say goodbye. On the other hand, losing a loved one to a disease means watching that person die. So, no, there is contest when it comes to grief.

Moderator cut: Not helpful
First of all I’m so sorry for the loss of your child. You have witnessed and experienced the different kinds of grieving that goes along with a sudden or tragic loss. I can attest that it adds to the grieving process. I saw how both my parents grieved over the loss of my sister to leukemia. My dad was never the same after my brother will killed. No parent should ever have to bury a child let alone two of them.
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