U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 12-04-2017, 10:56 AM
 
7,080 posts, read 3,778,159 times
Reputation: 10569

Advertisements

I can top everyone: "You must be relieved; now you can get your life back!"
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-04-2017, 11:18 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,839 posts, read 51,286,023 times
Reputation: 27642
JONOV, I agree with the concept of taking any and all comments on a death with an ear to trying to hear the positive intent. I doubt that the person commenting "crocodile tears" to a previous poster understood what the phrase really means. (In such a case, I might try to clue them in or ask the intent)

People in grief are extremely vulnerable and not always able to handle poorly worded comments with grace. Remember that anger is often an easier emotion to deal with for someone grieving than those feelings coming from loss or any major stressor.

As an extreme example, I once was moved in as a manager of a theatre that was out of control. In the course of getting it back to basic standards, I showed the janitor different ways to mop so that the floors wouldn't be sticky, took the carpet cleaning job from him and had a professional correct his mistakes. I liked the janitor and had no problems with him other than the lack of training he had been given for the job. About three weeks after I arrived, he had a heart attack at home one night and died. His wife completely blamed me for his death. The anger towards me was her way of coping with the loss of her husband. It is awkward being in such a situation, and the best I could do was be the bad guy and allow her to be angry towards me.

If I err in saying the "right" phrase to a person in grief and there is anger returned, I apologize and accept the anger as mostly displaced anger not really aimed at me.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-04-2017, 11:22 AM
 
533 posts, read 277,080 times
Reputation: 749
The one that bugs me the most is "Everything happens for a reason". This line bugs me even when I'm not the one that's experienced the loss. When someone has experienced an unspeakable tragedy, what reason could possibly be good enough to justify its occurrence??

I find that comments about "God's will" and "God works in mysterious ways" just the non-secular way of saying "Everything happens for a reason" and so those comments anger me just as much, maybe moreso. Many religious folks like God to a caring father. What kind of caring father would put their child through anything that horrible when there are much less awful ways to teach the same lesson or accomplish the same result? I would never put my child through such wrenching pain.

I think people are well-meaning so I take things in stride when they make these comments because I know they're just not looking into it too deeply, but I wish folks would!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-04-2017, 11:24 AM
 
Location: Worcester MA
393 posts, read 124,797 times
Reputation: 853
I worked with an extremely self absorbed and self important person who didn't even acknowledge my father dying.

I asked her several weeks after my dad's funeral if she knew my dad had passed away and she replied, "Oh yes, I heard."

That's when I knew I had to get out of public accounting - filled with narcissistic sociopaths.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-04-2017, 11:24 AM
 
3,962 posts, read 5,247,246 times
Reputation: 4549
Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
I will go with I'm so sorry and leave it at that and maybe if I know they are having a really hard time a card and a gift card inside just to get something that they really need or just to make them feel a lil better .
The "I'm sorry" is fine, but unless you know that someone is in financial need, a gift card doesn't seem appropriate to me. In some areas, there is a tradition of enclosing some contribution to the funeral expenses. But to me, a gift felt like I was benefiting from my husband's passing, and that was the last thing I wanted to feel.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-04-2017, 11:39 AM
 
1,605 posts, read 687,662 times
Reputation: 2692
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taffee72 View Post
I worked with an extremely self absorbed and self important person who didn't even acknowledge my father dying.

I asked her several weeks after my dad's funeral if she knew my dad had passed away and she replied, "Oh yes, I heard."

That's when I knew I had to get out of public accounting - filled with narcissistic sociopaths.
That right there proves that some people are just clueless to otherís suffering or like you said so self absorbed it is astonishing and sad at the same time. Smh
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-04-2017, 12:05 PM
 
146 posts, read 60,463 times
Reputation: 345
Never use the word "closure." That God's Mysterious Plan thing is probably second. As a rule of thumb, stay away from thoughts that focus on you and your beliefs. Seriously, the one innocuous thing that was said to me in my time was "I can't imagine what you must be going through," and my response to that was "Neither can I."
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-04-2017, 12:08 PM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,925 posts, read 24,048,548 times
Reputation: 10734
Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere View Post
I can top everyone: "You must be relieved; now you can get your life back!"
That has to be one of the most insensitive comments I have seen, sure hope no one actually said that to you!!! I think a comment like that would have sent me int a not to nice tirade at the commentor
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-04-2017, 12:09 PM
 
Location: Raleigh
6,964 posts, read 5,183,151 times
Reputation: 9390
Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere View Post
I can top everyone: "You must be relieved; now you can get your life back!"
That's incredibly insensitive. I can't believe someone would say that.

Although, I've talked to family members who, after dealing with the exhausting caregiving for years and years, felt real guilt that they were indeed relieved at the passing of a loved one.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CaliDreaming01 View Post
The one that bugs me the most is "Everything happens for a reason". This line bugs me even when I'm not the one that's experienced the loss. When someone has experienced an unspeakable tragedy, what reason could possibly be good enough to justify its occurrence??

I find that comments about "God's will" and "God works in mysterious ways" just the non-secular way of saying "Everything happens for a reason" and so those comments anger me just as much, maybe moreso. Many religious folks like God to a caring father. What kind of caring father would put their child through anything that horrible when there are much less awful ways to teach the same lesson or accomplish the same result? I would never put my child through such wrenching pain.

I think people are well-meaning so I take things in stride when they make these comments because I know they're just not looking into it too deeply, but I wish folks would!
Yes, that is incredibly insensitive. Its one thing to say that about a more minor hiccup in life, but at a death?
Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
The "I'm sorry" is fine, but unless you know that someone is in financial need, a gift card doesn't seem appropriate to me. In some areas, there is a tradition of enclosing some contribution to the funeral expenses. But to me, a gift felt like I was benefiting from my husband's passing, and that was the last thing I wanted to feel.
I have to think that's largely a micro-cultural thing, like the envelopes of cash at some Italian weddings.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-04-2017, 01:56 PM
 
Location: Canada
5,119 posts, read 3,633,578 times
Reputation: 13514
Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere View Post
I can top everyone: "You must be relieved; now you can get your life back!"
Yep, you win the prize of the most tactless

Even if it wasn't a good marriage? or how hard it was to be a caregiver? or whatever the situation, what a horrible thing to say.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top