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Old 12-04-2017, 02:13 PM
 
15,156 posts, read 15,983,780 times
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I never read those articles about how you're doing X, Y, or Z wrong. In a situation like this, people are doing the best they can in uncertain, sad, uncomfortable situations. If they're sincere about what they're saying and are trying to offer comfort, they've said the right thing. It's too much to expect the person to say exactly what the grieving person wants to hear.

ETA: I do NOT believe that everything happens for a reason and think it is an odd thing to say to someone whose loved one just died. Still, I would try to remember that the person was probably just trying to do their best.

Last edited by Marlow; 12-04-2017 at 02:24 PM..
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Old 12-04-2017, 02:23 PM
 
Location: PA
835 posts, read 953,570 times
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"Finally, the old man kicked the bucket...what a relief!!"

Ummm...ok??? He was suffering, but what a way to say that!
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Old 12-04-2017, 02:35 PM
 
12,966 posts, read 12,366,697 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
I lost my husband this past March and I am sick of people telling me, "you are one of the strongest people I know, you will get through this as it gets better as time goes on" Yeah I've been strong all my life but this has crushed me, I just want to let go and cry my eyes out if I want.

I truly believe these words attributed to Rose Kennedy:

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy
Yep. That's exactly what I've found to be true.

My friend had people telling her she needed to get over the death of her son. I told her no one would blame her if she punched them in the face. Moreover, it was only a few months later. I was kind of stunned that anyone would say that to begin with but also so soon after his passing.
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Old 12-04-2017, 02:49 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,303 posts, read 18,071,141 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
I lost my husband this past March and I am sick of people telling me, "you are one of the strongest people I know, you will get through this as it gets better as time goes on" Yeah I've been strong all my life but this has crushed me, I just want to let go and cry my eyes out if I want.

I truly believe these words attributed to Rose Kennedy:

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy
I had never heard that quote, Kate but it sure is true. Thank you for posting it.
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Old 12-04-2017, 04:29 PM
 
4,772 posts, read 2,110,815 times
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I still can recall the moments after my mom took her last breath. The hospice team was there to finalize the paperwork and clear out a few things. They sat there in my living room, chatting away "AS IF" I hadn't lost the most endearing person I know. Such indifference to say the least. One lady kept saying, Ohh did she have her Moment of glory? Which apparently is when for but a brief time the person is extremely elated and is in their own way saying the final goodbyes. I just was numb at that time ...not even a whimper could I make. But I looked at her in a way that spewed venom that she could call it glory when my mom was leaving all who loved her. Thank Goodness the Undertaker was a personal friend of mine and he simply Took me outside to give a hug and to explain in such a empathic way what he was going to do. He took my hand and guided me into the bedroom...and said...stay as long as you wish...I will wait. And I did sit with my mom...tears streaming..caressing her hair. That final physical goodbye would both haunt me and bring comfort. And yes I did find comfort when someone said they knew how I felt...maybe not exactly per se, but I needed to know I wasn't totally alone in this chaotic mess of emotions that swept over. Today marks the fifth year of that moment. Still so loved and missed.
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Old 12-04-2017, 05:08 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,570,535 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
I never read those articles about how you're doing X, Y, or Z wrong. In a situation like this, people are doing the best they can in uncertain, sad, uncomfortable situations. If they're sincere about what they're saying and are trying to offer comfort, they've said the right thing. It's too much to expect the person to say exactly what the grieving person wants to hear.

ETA: I do NOT believe that everything happens for a reason and think it is an odd thing to say to someone whose loved one just died. Still, I would try to remember that the person was probably just trying to do their best.
There is truth in what you said, but people also need to think before speaking.



Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
I had never heard that quote, Kate but it sure is true. Thank you for posting it.
Smart woman.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
I still can recall the moments after my mom took her last breath. The hospice team was there to finalize the paperwork and clear out a few things. They sat there in my living room, chatting away "AS IF" I hadn't lost the most endearing person I know. Such indifference to say the least. One lady kept saying, Ohh did she have her Moment of glory? Which apparently is when for but a brief time the person is extremely elated and is in their own way saying the final goodbyes. I just was numb at that time ...not even a whimper could I make. But I looked at her in a way that spewed venom that she could call it glory when my mom was leaving all who loved her. Thank Goodness the Undertaker was a personal friend of mine and he simply Took me outside to give a hug and to explain in such a empathic way what he was going to do. He took my hand and guided me into the bedroom...and said...stay as long as you wish...I will wait. And I did sit with my mom...tears streaming..caressing her hair. That final physical goodbye would both haunt me and bring comfort. And yes I did find comfort when someone said they knew how I felt...maybe not exactly per se, but I needed to know I wasn't totally alone in this chaotic mess of emotions that swept over. Today marks the fifth year of that moment. Still so loved and missed.
I am so sorry you went through that. When my mother was dying in the hospital the rep from the local hospice came to the hospital. She took us out to the lobby and I asked can't we check to see if there is an empty room(the hospital was pretty empty on that floor). She said we couldn't and talked like she was selling you car insurance. I knew I was going to break down and did, with people sitting there watching the TV.

I later complained about it.

Sorry for today, I know it's hard.
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Old 12-04-2017, 08:19 PM
 
3,949 posts, read 5,231,093 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere View Post
I can top everyone: "You must be relieved; now you can get your life back!"
OK, I'll take the challenge, although I know I added this to another thread at one point. A friend of mine lost her son to a drug overdose, and someone said to her "Really, you're better off without him."
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Old 12-04-2017, 09:00 PM
 
Location: S.W. Florida
1,658 posts, read 651,768 times
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Thatís easy. The worse thing to say to a grieving person is NOTHING.
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Old 12-04-2017, 09:06 PM
 
841 posts, read 438,949 times
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This isn't related as much to losing a spouse or parent or an insensitive comment but at my mother-in-law's viewing a friend of hers came up to me and asked what we were doing with her clothing (she had a notoriously large wardrobe) as she had a "favorite charity she wanted to give to". I was so sad and in shock that her question didn't register with me until later. When I replied that my husband and his brother had already donated it all she was mad that we didn't call her first. Here my mother-in-law was lying in the next room and instead of offering condolences she asked about her clothes.
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Old 12-04-2017, 11:11 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,587 posts, read 21,632,196 times
Reputation: 27557
I don't really care. People feel uncomfortable and don't know what to say. The fact that they say anything is a plus.


Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
I was a bit taken aback by this. I think "They're in a better place" or "Everything happens for a reason" is the worst thing to say to someone. But the article in this link says it's "I know how you feel."

https://www.nbcnews.com/better/healt...ips-ncna825676

Now, I have never actually said that to someone, because I think it's a bit presumptuous (but I'd cut someone who wasn't that articulate a ton of slack in that regard), but I have said things like "I get it" or "I understand." Today, my ex-roommate was struggling to describe to me how it was both painful and a relief that her longtime service dog had passed away before she moved into her first home. I said "Yeah, I get it. It's like a sitcom that returns for a new season and there's a major cast change and a whole new set and it all takes some getting used to." She just started laughing and told me that was exactly the situation.

I also had lost my own dog just a few months before she lost hers - we were both devastated. We also both got new dogs around the same time. So yeah, I did know how she felt.

And honestly, when I lost my best friend and her mother, I really would have been relieved to hear someone say "I know how you feel" because I needed a road map so badly then. Maybe it would have kept me from going off the rails like I did.

I dunno. I think if you've had a loss that's comparable to what that person is going through, saying "I know how you feel" isn't necessarily the worst thing. Grief is very isolating, and when you encounter someone who can identify with your particular loss, that's kind of a comfort, especially if they've managed to deal with their grief effectively.

I mean, my dog died, and my friend lost her son around that time. I did not tell her "I know how you feel" - but I think she would have felt a great deal of comfort to talk to someone who had also lost a child in a similar manner. In that case, someone saying "I know how you feel" would have likely been very helpful.

I dunno - curious as to what other people think.
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