U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 12-08-2017, 01:01 PM
 
Location: NW Nevada
13,318 posts, read 10,871,335 times
Reputation: 12275

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
I was a bit taken aback by this. I think "They're in a better place" or "Everything happens for a reason" is the worst thing to say to someone. But the article in this link says it's "I know how you feel."

https://www.nbcnews.com/better/healt...ips-ncna825676

Now, I have never actually said that to someone, because I think it's a bit presumptuous (but I'd cut someone who wasn't that articulate a ton of slack in that regard), but I have said things like "I get it" or "I understand." Today, my ex-roommate was struggling to describe to me how it was both painful and a relief that her longtime service dog had passed away before she moved into her first home. I said "Yeah, I get it. It's like a sitcom that returns for a new season and there's a major cast change and a whole new set and it all takes some getting used to." She just started laughing and told me that was exactly the situation.

I also had lost my own dog just a few months before she lost hers - we were both devastated. We also both got new dogs around the same time. So yeah, I did know how she felt.

And honestly, when I lost my best friend and her mother, I really would have been relieved to hear someone say "I know how you feel" because I needed a road map so badly then. Maybe it would have kept me from going off the rails like I did.

I dunno. I think if you've had a loss that's comparable to what that person is going through, saying "I know how you feel" isn't necessarily the worst thing. Grief is very isolating, and when you encounter someone who can identify with your particular loss, that's kind of a comfort, especially if they've managed to deal with their grief effectively.

I mean, my dog died, and my friend lost her son around that time. I did not tell her "I know how you feel" - but I think she would have felt a great deal of comfort to talk to someone who had also lost a child in a similar manner. In that case, someone saying "I know how you feel" would have likely been very helpful.

I dunno - curious as to what other people think.

My ex took the cake for the worst things to say. When I lost my Dad it took me a long time to come to grips. One day she pops off with "you need to just get over it.". Yea? Just that easy I guess. When someone is grieving it's really best to just not say anything. Just be there for them.


There are no words that make things all better or better at all.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-08-2017, 02:12 PM
 
15,162 posts, read 15,997,372 times
Reputation: 25011
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
Whoa! I hope Veronica hears the same things when it is her time.

Betty and Veronica? Really??
No, not really on the names! I made them up.

But what she said was real.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-31-2018, 03:46 PM
 
Location: Gallatin Valley
490 posts, read 1,135,905 times
Reputation: 407
I think the worst thing is to say nothing.

I used to just say "I am sorry for your loss"....and leave it at that.

Because I never wanted to say the wrong thing.

I have lost alot of people. My mom, my dad, an ex hubby, a best friend I knew since we were babies, a miscarriage at 4 1/2 months, and the worst, my daughter earlier this year. She was in her mid 20's.

I am very strong in my faith and know that prayer works, but you know how when people die and there is a news article, and people who don't even know the deceased are saying that they are "praying for the family"?

That is nice and all, but I always used to kind of be like, ok Cool.

Until it happened to me.

WOW!

I can't tell you how amazing that felt after my dd died reading all the comments from people, who didn't even know us, but were praying for us.

And I felt the prayers.

I felt comforted.

I didn't break down completely.

I had alot of responses on my personal facebook and for a while I read the responses, but couldn't really respond much. But boy did they mean alot to me!!

I read them and re read them.

And they weren't "sorry for your loss" comments, well some of them were and that was cool. But there were people going into detail about how sorry they were and trying to be comforting and loving or maybe sharing their experience. It really meant something to me and to my hubby.

EVery comment was appreciated!!

There was 1 comment that kind of bugged me.

I am so sorry you lost __________

That hurt.

I am sorry for your "loss" didn't hurt, but the phrase up above did. ANd it shouldn't.

But the way I see it, she is not "LOST". She is dead.

ANyhow, I believe I will see her again in Heaven.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-02-2018, 02:28 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,146 posts, read 16,473,641 times
Reputation: 13312
The worst I heard, after my wife's sudden and unexpected death at age 51, "I don't think people die until they want to."

WHAT!?

I didn't get angry, but I certainly told her that my wife didn't want to die when she did. But she persisted. "I think she did."

Understand, this woman had never met my wife, and we had just met hours earlier. If she wants to believe none of us die before we want to, she has that right, but it's not the kind of thing to tell a grieving spouse who just lost the love of his life.

Another gal, an acquaintance of my wife and me through our business, called from the funeral home wanting me to instruct the funeral director to open the casket for her. "I just can't believe she's dead." I assured her that my wife was indeed dead, but that she wanted to be remembered for her life, not as a body in a casket.

Other than that, people who just didn't mention it days after her death. A neighbor met me in the middle of the street a few days after my wife's death and simply said, "I heard about your wife's death. I didn't know her, but I'm sorry for your loss." That was enough for me to tell him about her, and he actually seemed to be listening. For me, that was the next-best thing to having her back, the chance to talk about her.

He said he'd hesitated to say anything because he didn't want to remind me of her death. I told him he should never feel that way, because there was no reminding taking place. I hadn't had my mind off of her for more than seconds at a time since she'd died. I thanked him for his condolences and for listening to me.

I think the best thing we can hear is a little story about the deceased. "I'll never forget the time she walked into the self-operating door at the airport. We both laughed for 5 minutes. She was always such a delight to be around, and I miss her terribly."

One of her old high school friends called me from her office a month or so later to say she'd just heard about her death and wanted to tell me she was sorry. We talked about her for an hour or two, tears streaking down my cheeks the whole time. She told me stories about my late wife's youth that I'd never heard, and I told her about her life with me. When we finally hung up, I felt relief for the first time since her death.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-02-2018, 02:35 PM
 
7,062 posts, read 3,758,039 times
Reputation: 10564
Wow; I think you "win" the inappropriate comment contest with that one.

People said similar things about my very vital, up until the end, nonagenerian mother: "We shouldn't force old people to live so long; we should allow them to just die..." I assure them that she wanted to live. "Well, I wouldn't want to live that long!" Well, that's YOU.

Really; just leave it at "I'm sorry for your loss."

As for that comment, I'm sorry for people's stupidity.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-04-2018, 11:27 PM
 
Location: Planet Woof
2,938 posts, read 3,175,107 times
Reputation: 8794
For me, when my spouse of almost 30 years passed away a few months ago, the worst part was that none of her family said one word. Not a phone call, not a card, certainly not a flower. No one came from an hour away during the whole 3 years she was in and out of the hospital or in hospice at home. It is like she never existed in their lives for 68 years.
I just cannot comprehend this level of coldness and self absorption. It has been devastating for me and I am trying to process it and let it go in grief counseling. Truly I don't think I will ever get over it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-04-2018, 11:53 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,803 posts, read 51,165,405 times
Reputation: 27531
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyDogToday View Post
For me, when my spouse of almost 30 years passed away a few months ago, the worst part was that none of her family said one word. Not a phone call, not a card, certainly not a flower. No one came from an hour away during the whole 3 years she was in and out of the hospital or in hospice at home. It is like she never existed in their lives for 68 years.
I just cannot comprehend this level of coldness and self absorption. It has been devastating for me and I am trying to process it and let it go in grief counseling. Truly I don't think I will ever get over it.
It seems obvious from your post that the estrangement between your spouse and her family was longstanding. In such situations, even if there is remorse by family members, there can be an element of "d...ed if you do, d...ed if you don't," where overtures or attempts at connection can seem self-serving or too little too late. I'm not saying that is the case here, but just a possibility to keep in mind.

IMO, you don't have to "get over it." You integrate and remember, but the energy of anger dissipates in time, as you recognize that it is no longer worth the effort to be angry, as the only one that it affects negatively is you. Have you tried writing them a letter fully expressing your hurt and feelings, but NOT mailing it, instead holding it for revision and editing for a couple of years? That way your energy towards them can have a focus that keeps it from bleeding into the rest of your life.

YOUR relation with your spouse was/is the important one. The rest is dross to be swept away.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-05-2018, 01:05 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,315 posts, read 18,088,667 times
Reputation: 18691
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyDogToday View Post
For me, when my spouse of almost 30 years passed away a few months ago, the worst part was that none of her family said one word. Not a phone call, not a card, certainly not a flower. No one came from an hour away during the whole 3 years she was in and out of the hospital or in hospice at home. It is like she never existed in their lives for 68 years.
I just cannot comprehend this level of coldness and self absorption. It has been devastating for me and I am trying to process it and let it go in grief counseling. Truly I don't think I will ever get over it.
I am very sorry to hear of your situation, HappyDog. Sounds to me that you are better off without them. I hope some day they will not even cross your mind.

(((hugs)))
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-05-2018, 02:57 AM
 
Location: Columbia SC
7,916 posts, read 6,669,957 times
Reputation: 10669
I agree the better place is religious BS. What I say, and what I wanted to hear was: "I am sorry for your loss". Keep it simple. This covers it. Even if you disliked the person, you understand the grieve of those grieving. I myself, have often said: There are no words that can make this better. I am sorry for your loss.

When my Sister died, most were saying better place, etc., especially the priests. I was asked to do a reading. I read Dylan Thomas's Do Not Go Silently Into The Good Night. Later, one Priest said I was irreverent. My Nieces (my Sisters daughters) replied: One of the reasons my Mom loved our Uncle was because of his irreverence. We loved the reading. A proud, tear producing moment for me.

Last edited by johngolf; 10-05-2018 at 03:13 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-06-2018, 12:31 PM
 
632 posts, read 627,023 times
Reputation: 689
I still think saying "it should have been you" that died, suffered, is mentally ill etc. That is the worst. Followed by get over it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top