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Old 10-16-2018, 08:26 PM
 
1,304 posts, read 832,153 times
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When a couple of my girlfriend's mothers passed away, and I wasn't able to attend their funerals...or I heard after the fact, I would always send a card.telling them what I remembered most abt their moms.

For instance. I told one how I remember her mom standing at the kitchen sink with her pedal pushers (we used to call them that) on and calling out my friends name "Janice.............", etc.

The other abt her color coordinate outfits and matching earrings, and her famous chili.
Stuff like that.
I loved hearing that stuff abt my folks that people would tell me, so I'm kinda paying it forward in a way. imo
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Old 10-16-2018, 08:30 PM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
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After my husband died, I paid attention to how the words were meant, even if they did not apply to me or I couldn't relate. I'm mean, let's face, it's that someone cares that is the important part, and there are NO words that help...
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Old 10-17-2018, 05:58 AM
 
11,605 posts, read 5,449,768 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
After my husband died, I paid attention to how the words were meant, even if they did not apply to me or I couldn't relate. I'm mean, let's face, it's that someone cares that is the important part, and there are NO words that help...
There are no words to help. That is for sure. I think there are words that can hurt, though.
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Old 10-17-2018, 08:02 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,839 posts, read 51,286,023 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jencam View Post
There are no words to help. That is for sure. I think there are words that can hurt, though.
I think I know how you might have intended that statement, but it doesn't work logically or factually, and has an effect of pessimism that can add to and reinforce pain.

There can be a shock and numbness in the initial experience of grief that is overwhelming and seemingly almost invincible. Kind words may seem to bounce off that or get sucked in and lost because of the strength of the negative energy. Words that are negative or hurtful can add to that negative energy and thus seem even more hurtful than they might at other times.

What I think that you miss is that while grief may be overwhelming, it is not the entirety of the person who is grieving, any more than a heart attack is the entirety of a person who has suffered one, or the soul of a person is gone because their arms were amputated. Those can be overwhelming as well, and life changing. What all three have in common is that life can continue and be productive and joy restored. It isn't easy, it takes work, and proper supportive care improves the odds.

Words are INCREDIBLY powerful. Most people have no idea how much and how deeply words affect them on a daily basis. People with the skill and talent to use words have shaped entire civilizations. The words of your parents, teachers, and preachers have shaped who you are. Words can and do help, even though that might not be immediately apparent. The medical world has countless remedies that take time to be effective. Kind and supportive words are no different. Words are remembered and mulled over.

Kind words DO help. If they could not, then unkind words would be powerless as well.
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Old 10-17-2018, 10:49 AM
 
18,761 posts, read 6,129,215 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 4dognight View Post
The Worst Thing to Say To A Grieving Person

Time heals all wounds....................no it doesn't.
I would not say this, but Time does heal, it has in my life. I lost a 5 yr old nephew and he would be 35 today and I can say time has healed this terrible loss. To grieve all one's life???
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Old 10-17-2018, 02:41 PM
 
1,304 posts, read 832,153 times
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I would say that Time makes the Pain easier to handle...
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Old 10-17-2018, 04:44 PM
 
6,707 posts, read 2,608,873 times
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Am I the only one who finds "I know how you feel" to be immensely comforting? "I've been there, I know how you feel, if you want to talk about it, please please call". Suddenly, you don't feel like an island of grief, but a part of an understanding community.

Or even, she's in a better place.

Or anything at all that someone says in an attempt to be comforting.

Because there are times that people say something that's so outrageously callous, and you immediately know the difference between someone who may not know the exact right words to say, vs someone who is kind of bent on being cruel. Like, after hearing of a terrible loss they look at the grieving person and say "you think that's bad, bla bla bla" and launch into a long-winded story about something that happened to someone else that they think is worse. Stunningly tone deaf.
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Old 10-18-2018, 12:52 AM
 
Location: Glasgow Scotland
14,489 posts, read 11,474,558 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fresnochili View Post
I would say that Time makes the Pain easier to handle...
yes I agree with you... but never takes it away... Funny though as Ive got older my mindset has changed about death.. and now its more important when younger people die before their time ...older ones have had their day....not being hard but it becomes a fact of life.. Losing a child must be the most heartbreaking thing ever..... and for anyone to say to a grieving parent.....that their still young and can have more children, how insenstive and some do..
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Old 10-18-2018, 01:07 AM
 
1,842 posts, read 966,508 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GiGi603 View Post
I am not fond of the "I'm sorry". Sorry about what? They didn't do anything to them.

I prefer to tell them something I liked/admired about the person. A story of a good time I had with them.

I stay away from all the --he is in a better place, I am sorry, etc lines.
Maybe this will help, "I'm sorry for what you're going through". "I'm sorry you lost your dad/mom/husband." "I am sorry you are grieving/in this pain", etc.

People shorten it to, "I'm sorry.
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Old 10-18-2018, 10:26 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,429 posts, read 18,139,040 times
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There is nothing "wrong" with saying "I am sorry."
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