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Old 10-18-2018, 12:42 PM
 
1,350 posts, read 862,060 times
Reputation: 2033

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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrassTacksGal View Post
Maybe this will help, "I'm sorry for what you're going through". "I'm sorry you lost your dad/mom/husband." "I am sorry you are grieving/in this pain", etc.

People shorten it to, "I'm sorry.
That really helps when you put it like that.
I'll remember it that way now when 'I'm sorry' is used.
Thx.
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Old 10-18-2018, 08:23 PM
 
Location: PNW
2,304 posts, read 772,178 times
Reputation: 7526
Actually, none of those comments bothered me when my teenager died. I did make a make a big conscious effort to not get overly-sensitive to things like that because I knew that people meant well and to say anything at all was not easy for them.

What I did not like is when a few people asked me if I regretted not having anymore children. I had only the one that died. And my answer was no, because she was not replaceable, anyway. But I thought it was a stupid question for anyone to ask.
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Old 10-19-2018, 04:36 AM
 
Location: Glasgow Scotland
14,563 posts, read 11,700,761 times
Reputation: 21101
The old one that gives me the boaks, is..............NOW if theres anything I can do,,,,anything at all, just call me..............theyd run a bloody mile if you phoned and said you were skint...
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Old 10-19-2018, 10:23 AM
 
1,300 posts, read 655,257 times
Reputation: 1824
"Time heals all wounds." No, not necessarily. We are all different. Some never get over a death.
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Old 10-19-2018, 02:53 PM
 
Location: Glasgow Scotland
14,563 posts, read 11,700,761 times
Reputation: 21101
Quote:
Originally Posted by Luckystrike1 View Post
Actually, none of those comments bothered me when my teenager died. I did make a make a big conscious effort to not get overly-sensitive to things like that because I knew that people meant well and to say anything at all was not easy for them.

What I did not like is when a few people asked me if I regretted not having anymore children. I had only the one that died. And my answer was no, because she was not replaceable, anyway. But I thought it was a stupid question for anyone to ask.
How bloody insensitive of them.... quite cruel..
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Old 10-19-2018, 07:47 PM
 
Location: Planet Woof
3,079 posts, read 3,279,713 times
Reputation: 9427
Here's one that I got from someone on a text (she refuses to talk on the phone) from a lifelong "friend" whose 90 year old mother died 2 years ago in hospice.

This person knew that my SO went into hospice in January and when I informed her of her passing in May she texted back:

"Oh, I thought she would get better. How do you feel?"

I have to admit that I told her off and said how do you think I feel? as part of what I said. She knew how sick she was and about her long and multiple hospitalizations She is a retired health care professional on top of it!

In the 5 months of hospice she never asked once how she or i was doing. It really passed me off and I was sorry I even let her know about my loss.

Never heard back from her and really didn't care whether i ever did from that point on. That relationship is finally over as far as I am concerned.

Her insensitivity and coldness just really hurt. It was not the first time but it is the last.
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Old 10-20-2018, 12:57 AM
 
4,014 posts, read 5,305,656 times
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I no longer pay any attention, really, to the "I'm sorry" comments. Now, almost 4 years after my husband's death, it doesn't come up in conversation. But if someone I am newly acquainted with asks, I tell them that I am widowed or that my husband died four years ago, and they always insert a quick "I'm sorry," which I basically ignore, nor just nod, or say a quick "thank you," and go on with the conversation. I think it is a convention, really. If you hear for the first time that someone lost a loved one, it would seem very cold to say nothing, just continuing the conversation, so the quick "I'm sorry" seems to fulfill that need in us to be sympathetic, even though it is very cursory. There would be no reason at all for me to take offense at this.

Just last week, a new person at my work, by way of getting acquainted, asked me if I was married, and I told her the above. She not only expressed her regret, but asked me to tell her a little about my husband and what we went through together. And she really listened. I appreciated that. I didn't go into a great exposition, but I enjoy being able to tell someone that my husband was a really great person, and how we lost him. Now I know that she is a person who understands something many do not: while we learn to live with our grief, it never really goes away.
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Old 10-20-2018, 01:59 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,758 posts, read 18,376,141 times
Reputation: 19203
Yes, the same thing happens to me too. I get an "I'm sorry " from someone and I just say "thank you", give a little chuckle and say "it's almost 7 years now, so the grief is over". That makes everyone feel better. Me too.
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Old 10-21-2018, 01:02 PM
 
13,095 posts, read 12,653,882 times
Reputation: 37714
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaminhealth View Post
I would not say this, but Time does heal, it has in my life. I lost a 5 yr old nephew and he would be 35 today and I can say time has healed this terrible loss. To grieve all one's life???
I told a friend who was recently widowed and asked when she'd know that she'd turned a corner that having "healed" from a loss does not mean it no longer hurts but simply that thinking of them does not make you feel like you've lost your breath and the first memories of them that come to mind are happy ones. Yeah, sometimes it will sneak up on you, even after 20 years, but MOSTLY you do not react that way any longer when you've lost someone.

Now, when I think of my best friend and her mother, the first thing I remember is the three of us giggling over something until we couldn't breathe. When I think of my grandmother, I think of sitting on the floor beside her easy chair as she'd stroke my hair and how peaceful I felt then. When I think of the dog I lost a year or two ago, I think of his sheer joy as he leapt into the air to catch a tennis ball. I no longer feel gutted by these losses, but there will always be pain around them. It's just manageable pain.

"Time heals all wounds" isn't helpful simply because of its vagueness and open-ended nature, and healing implies that the pain will go away. It won't.
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Old 10-21-2018, 01:07 PM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
52,165 posts, read 51,305,693 times
Reputation: 61278
Quote:
Originally Posted by Luckystrike1 View Post
Actually, none of those comments bothered me when my teenager died. I did make a make a big conscious effort to not get overly-sensitive to things like that because I knew that people meant well and to say anything at all was not easy for them.

What I did not like is when a few people asked me if I regretted not having anymore children. I had only the one that died. And my answer was no, because she was not replaceable, anyway. But I thought it was a stupid question for anyone to ask.
Probably one of the most incredibly insensitive and stupid questions I ever heard of. JEEZ.
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