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Old 12-07-2017, 04:19 PM
 
Location: South Carolina
13,186 posts, read 17,739,877 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
I don't understand why this would be immoral and should be forbidden. Where is the harm? I'm not picking a fight, but I just don't understand your reasoning.

It makes sense in a lot of ways. I could see children of the people involved being uncomfortable with the idea, but I can't think of a reason it shouldn't happen if the feelings are real and mutual. And of course, if the sibling isn't married to anyone else.

That to me is like taking a date to a funeral it is just not done in my world . I also am of the group that would begin to wonder when the relationship truly started . Nope just no .
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Old 12-07-2017, 04:42 PM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
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Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
The thread title relates to an entirely different issue, where there is an attraction and enough concern to make a post inquiring about such attraction and how to handle it.
Oh, I completely agree! It was the closest relatable situation I had to offer, yet it's still out of context.

I've always been intrigued by this particular woman in my family tree for a few reasons & one of them is that as a very wealthy woman in her own right; she was not really under any societal obligation to remarry anyone at all.

She single-handedly negotiated all of her land acquisitions, sales & eventually was well respected by both the Union Pacific & state utilities industry who leased land from her. She financed Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show. This was not a woman who was starving in a dugout on the prairie with sickly babies all around.

I suppose that it was done out of a sense of responsibility to raise her deceased sister's children as it seems her sister may have died in childbirth or shortly after. But she wasn't the only Aunt in town either.

My great-great-grandfather was already 19 years old when they married & I'm told he was really against it. Didn't like the idea at all.

And I wonder if she did maybe love the man. For her sake; I hope he loved her.

I think it must of been somewhat surreal, though. Not only were the two sisters carbon copies of each other but the two men had the same first name (Michael). So he had the very image of his deceased wife at the dinner table, while she spent every evening talking to "Michael".

I think for the OP's sake she showed proceed very slowly & cautiously, although I haven't had a similar experience myself. There is not any relationship ever that can be completely healthy if there are unresolved grief issues.
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Old 12-07-2017, 05:06 PM
 
Location: West of Louisiana, East of New Mexico
2,498 posts, read 1,867,278 times
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It makes sense, honestly.

John Smith and Dave Smith are brothers. John is married to Lisa, but he passes away. John and Dave have a lot in common including physical appearance and personality. If Lisa really loved John, you can't be surprised when she falls for Dave...considering that he's likely "her type" and has a lot of the same qualities she loved in John.
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Old 12-07-2017, 06:48 PM
 
11,450 posts, read 19,512,689 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by coschristi View Post
My great-great-great grandmother was left a 36 year old widow with 6 children when my great-great-great grandfather died in 1894 at the age of 37, from Pneumonia.

She assumed her late husbands role at the grocery store that he had been a co-owner of, with her brother in law. Two years later, her sister died at age 30, leaving the brother in law as a widower with 6 children.

They married in 1901 & raised the combined 12 children together, along with building a successful business & amassing quite a fortune in ranching land.

Apparently this used to be common in communities & was not only considered acceptable but actually the “responsible thing to do”, as joining forces helped otherwise single-parent households avoid becoming dependent on the charity of their community.
I've seen it in my family tree a lot. My 6th great grandfather married one sister, had 11 children, she died, he married her sister and had 14 more. He was the first, and I have a handful more.

I also have just started finding “kissing cousins”, distant cousins marrying. It’s cool to find the common ancestor.
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Old 12-07-2017, 07:18 PM
 
Location: Denver CO
19,136 posts, read 10,172,299 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jgn2013 View Post
It makes sense, honestly.

John Smith and Dave Smith are brothers. John is married to Lisa, but he passes away. John and Dave have a lot in common including physical appearance and personality. If Lisa really loved John, you can't be surprised when she falls for Dave...considering that he's likely "her type" and has a lot of the same qualities she loved in John.
That's a good point.

And I think that going back to the Biblical recommendation (I don't think it was an absolute requirement?) for a man to marry his brother's widow, the idea might be that a man might not treat another man's children that well as a stepfather. But an uncle would be much more highly motivated to care for his own brother's children as if they were his own.

(not saying that any of this is relevant to the OP, just that there are reasons this has been a societally sanctioned thing to do historically)
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Old 12-07-2017, 07:34 PM
 
13,031 posts, read 12,524,701 times
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I've never had this situation, but I did date the brother of my gay male best friend. It became a running joke with friends that I was dating both brothers. Still have the bestie, but the romantic relationship is long over. That said, the three of us did a ton of stuff together - traveled, went on day trips, spent the evening at the local pubs, etc.

I have also suffered loss, and one of the things I have noticed about grieving is that the loss of shared memories - being the only person who carries the memories - is a heavy burden. You are the only one who can access those memories. When my childhood best friend died in our early 20s, the loss of the other keeper of all the private memories between us was kind of devastating. Losing her mother, to whom we were both close, 6 months later took it to a whole new level. There had been so many outings with just the three of us, so many days spent together.

So when someone who was as close to your partner as a sibling is becomes a potential romantic partner, I would imagine there could be a lot of appeal in that kind of relationship. Shared memories and experiences are nothing to sneeze at. However, one of the things where i made my mistake with dating my buddy's brother was assuming that the brothers were more alike than they actually were. I kind of imbued my best friend's brother with his ethics and sense of responsibility, and those things were not shared at a meaningful level.

Tread carefully and keep your eyes open.
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Old 12-07-2017, 08:50 PM
 
15,766 posts, read 3,168,864 times
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I think its fine....happened a lot during biblical times.I have known people who have done so at church
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Old 12-07-2017, 09:01 PM
 
Location: Georgia
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Well, it didn't work out too well for Katherine of Aragon, the wife of Prince Arthur who then married his brother, Prince Harry, who later became Henry VIII. :-) But that was over 500 years ago, and I don't think it's necessarily a historical precedent!

Just take it slow -- what's the rush? It's not surprising, since there's probably some shared experiences and similarities. Just don't go transferring all the things you miss about your spouse onto their friend/relative -- that's a heavy burden for anyone to bear.
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Old 12-07-2017, 09:43 PM
 
Location: Mt Shasta , Ca.
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In the old days people did this all the time. For reasons the other posters have mentioned . Very common in the south where I came from and really all over .
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Old 12-08-2017, 03:50 AM
 
12,866 posts, read 24,560,022 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by coschristi View Post
...

Apparently this used to be common in communities & was not only considered acceptable but actually the “responsible thing to do”, as joining forces helped otherwise single-parent households avoid becoming dependent on the charity of their community.
In some cultural groups, it was expected that a brother would marry the widow to protect her, the children and any property that had passed. Of course, in many cases, the widow could not inherit property, but it was considered a courtesy for the relative to marry the widow.
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