U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 12-09-2017, 10:32 PM
 
Location: Eugene, Oregon
189 posts, read 103,313 times
Reputation: 351

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Two months after my mother died I was still so grief stricken that I was forced to take a three month medical leave of absence, as I could not function. My depression was so severe that I could not get out of bed for days. One year after my mother died I still had significant problems, needed to be hospitalized for a while and then needed to take nine more months off of work.
This begs the question, is feeling sad over a death of someone the same as a months or years long clinical depression?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-09-2017, 11:07 PM
 
Location: Eugene, Oregon
189 posts, read 103,313 times
Reputation: 351
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I wondered about that, too. But, there probably is a lot "more to the story". Perhaps, his mother and other relatives or his future in-laws insisted on him following through on the wedding plans even though he really did not want to do that. Perhaps, he "steeled himself" to go through the one day wedding but weeks and months of constant Christmas is just too much for him to bear. Or, maybe his grief is intensifying and not lessening and it was better in October. Or, maybe he has health concerns that he is not sharing with his new in-laws. Or. Or. Or. There are just too many variables to know what is happening.
No one forced the groom to follow through with the wedding. The suggestion is ludicrous. I don’t think the wedding made him think of his father much because they did have a table with pictures of his father and deceased grandparents from both sides of the two families at the reception. The groom smiled, laughed at the reception and hugged me, the father of the bride, as part of the ceremony of giving away the bride. The groom seemed truly happy to be getting married. He gave a speech and danced with the bride. Thanked and joked with his friends and family. If there is “more to story”, or his feelings about the wedding, I am not aware of it. It seems certain things do trigger his feelings of grief, like Holidays and birthdays. I think it is sadness over his loss and not the debilitating clinical depressions, described here, that people seem to descend into that were originally triggered by a death.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-10-2017, 01:11 AM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
4,019 posts, read 1,790,475 times
Reputation: 13833
Quote:
Originally Posted by Djkingman View Post
It seems certain things do trigger his feelings of grief, like Holidays and birthdays. I think it is sadness over his loss and not the debilitating clinical depressions, described here, that people seem to descend into that were originally triggered by a death.
Nobody posting here has described anything close to what I think you are referring to, which would be a condition called Morbid Grief, sometimes called “Pathological Grief”.

Clinical depression can be diagnosed within several defining categories, two of which are “Biochemical” & “Situational”. Every poster so far has given accounts of what would be considered as “Situational “.

It’s really important that a person who is grieving NOT be treated as if they are experiencing a Morbid Grief prior to at least 12 months following a loss, because this can actually trigger the Morbid Grief patterns to begin & this can take years to remedy.

Your SIL’s heart just isn’t in it yet but you must have done a fine job as a parent because your daughter sounds like a wonderful person & a supportive spouse. I think that you can trust her to take the lead. Also, no two people will grieve the same way & on the same timeline. It’s impossible to compare your own experience to someone else’s.

Let him have this time right now; it will benefit your daughter in the long run to have a healthy husband, both in body & mind.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-10-2017, 09:10 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,490 posts, read 18,184,307 times
Reputation: 18870
If your daughter is fine with not celebrating this year and letting her husband have his grief time, so be it. It is none of your business. Does she moan and groan about her not being able to show the "spirit" this year to you while telling her husband she understands? If not, then butt out. It was HIS mother, it is HIS grief. You have no right to judge him.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-10-2017, 09:32 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,947 posts, read 24,087,672 times
Reputation: 10783
Perhaps regarding Christmas, maybe he had special rituals with his Dad and therefore this first Christmas without him is too painful. For this year at least, I would just let it be.

Does your sil have siblings? If so how are they coping? Is his Mom still alive? If so how is she coping?

IMO it's not just his death, all deaths are awful, but you said he passed from cancer. Watching someone you love waste away and die from this disease takes a toll on you.

I've said to my kids if it was my husbands time to go wished he had just had a fatal heart attack or something and not go through 13 months of agonizing pain, sickness and living with the fact every day he was going to die, sudden death would have been a shocker for me but he would have been spared what he went through.

Give your sil some time, 5 months is not enough to process through this.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-10-2017, 09:46 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,947 posts, read 24,087,672 times
Reputation: 10783
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I wondered about that, too. But, there probably is a lot "more to the story". Perhaps, his mother and other relatives or his future in-laws insisted on him following through on the wedding plans even though he really did not want to do that. Perhaps, he "steeled himself" to go through the one day wedding but weeks and months of constant Christmas is just too much for him to bear. Or, maybe his grief is intensifying and not lessening and it was better in October. Or, maybe he has health concerns that he is not sharing with his new in-laws. Or. Or. Or. There are just too many variables to know what is happening.
IMO calling off a wedding is a lot more trouble emotionally, financially, then skipping Christmas for one year.
Now if next year he was in same place I would find it troubling.

I wonder with all due respect to o/p, is he really concerned about his sil state of mind or troubled that his daughter whom he called a Christmas freak will be missing out this year.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-10-2017, 09:50 AM
 
Location: northern New England
1,761 posts, read 711,864 times
Reputation: 6872
how about a compromise? Some rooms decorated, some not. Less overall time in the holiday spirit.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-10-2017, 10:11 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,947 posts, read 24,087,672 times
Reputation: 10783
Quote:
Originally Posted by VTsnowbird View Post
how about a compromise? Some rooms decorated, some not. Less overall time in the holiday spirit.
Good idea and perhaps sil even if he didn't want to partake would encourage his wife to go spend time with her family for a bit on Christmas
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-10-2017, 02:32 PM
 
308 posts, read 164,481 times
Reputation: 399
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Everyone is different. Everyone's grief is different.

I was 40 years old when my mother died. I took two weeks off of work, rather than the three days that was usually allowed. My first day back I suddenly got teary eyed and my boss scoffed and said "It's been two whole weeks since your mother died. You should be completely 'over it' by now!" That is the way you are sounding. IMHO, a death of a parent five months ago was a "recent death".

Two months after my mother died I was still so grief stricken that I was forced to take a three month medical leave of absence, as I could not function. My depression was so severe that I could not get out of bed for days. One year after my mother died I still had significant problems, needed to be hospitalized for a while and then needed to take nine more months off of work.

Everyone is different. Everyone's grief is different. Don't judge your DIL's grief by your standards of when a person should be over the death of loved one.
There is no SHOULD be over the death of a loved one. My mom died in 2003, and my grandparents (her parents) died in 1991 and 1992. These were the three people who raised me. I have never gotten over their deaths and never will. The world is **** without them in it and will never improve until they come back to life. In other words, the world will always be **** from now on.

Oh and I'm 47 (48 in April) if that means anything.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-10-2017, 02:48 PM
 
6,844 posts, read 2,652,535 times
Reputation: 18443
Quote:
Originally Posted by RandyHS View Post
There is no SHOULD be over the death of a loved one. My mom died in 2003, and my grandparents (her parents) died in 1991 and 1992. These were the three people who raised me. I have never gotten over their deaths and never will. The world is **** without them in it and will never improve until they come back to life. In other words, the world will always be **** from now on.

Oh and I'm 47 (48 in April) if that means anything.
Randy, your post made my heart sad.

Everyone who lives to middle age experiences this - in early adulthood, their grandparents pass and then toward middle age their parents pass.

I'm so saddened to read that this is something you never expect to recover from. Maybe more scared, because it horrifies me that one of my kids could end up like that - in a permanent state of mourning over an expected loss.

I don't know what else to say, besides that your story has touched me.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top