Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
A good friend died. We don't know when - her downstairs neighbors hadn't heard her walking around in at least 3 days and there were packages stacked up in front of her door. I was there when the police found her body. I haven't cried (and I cry at the drop of a hat) and I don't know how to process it.
Her sister found me on a social networking site this morning asking if I had heard from my friend. It turns out no one in the family had heard from her in almost a week which is incredibly unusual for her. She and I work together and I knew she was out sick with the flu, but neither of us are big fans of texting so after some messaging back and forth during a snowstorm we didn't talk which was not out of the norm for us.
I immediately went over to her apartment and knew something was wrong. Her car was still parked in her spot with clear signs that it hadn't been moved after the last snowfall. After getting into the building and banging on the door, I called the police who arrived in under 2 minutes at which point I was in near full blown panic attack shut-down. It took her landlord 20 minutes to get there to let the police into her apartment. She was just 38 years old.
You always hear about people being found dead in their beds, but you don't think about it with a healthy 30-something. Her worst fear was dying alone and that is exactly what happened. It breaks my heart.
Get your flu shots and please go to the doctor sooner rather than later.
I know intellectually that it's normal. Last night, I even tried to make myself cry. I watched Steel Magnolias and not a tear. And I'm someone who tears up even *thinking* about the crashdown scene in Apollo 13 and have been caught at my desk crying at work while taking a break to watch a video of baby elephant. The opening bars of the Navy Hymn make me sob. I feel so eerily calm and collected. It's almost an out of body experience, like it happened to someone else. Or like I took Xanax and know I have emotions but am not really feeling them.
It will come, but you don't know what will set you off. That feeling of dissociation is also normal.
I know you are Jewish, and I am not. As I think you also know, I am a survivor of the WTC attacks on 9/11. I lost more than 80 coworkers that day, some of whom I had known for 20 years. I was numb and detached for the first couple of weeks after the attacks.
About three weeks after, my employer arranged a memorial service for our dead. The head of our agency had been killed, and he was Jewish, so the rabbi from his synagogue in NYC was one of the clergy participating in the service. The other clergy said some words, and some prayers, and then the rabbi stepped up and said, "And now I will sing the Jewish prayer that asks God to shelter the dead." He began to chant the prayer in Hebrew, and that was it for me. I did not understand the words, but I felt them down to the core of my soul, and I sobbed and sobbed at last.
I know intellectually that it's normal. Last night, I even tried to make myself cry. I watched Steel Magnolias and not a tear. And I'm someone who tears up even *thinking* about the crashdown scene in Apollo 13 and have been caught at my desk crying at work while taking a break to watch a video of baby elephant. The opening bars of the Navy Hymn make me sob. I feel so eerily calm and collected. It's almost an out of body experience, like it happened to someone else. Or like I took Xanax and know I have emotions but am not really feeling them.
When my mother died, I didn't shed a tear--just went around taking care of all the details. Her caregivers were crying and looking at me like I was crazy. About 2 weeks later, an acquaintance at the gym, who didn't know my mother had died, casually asked how I was doing. I immediately started crying and could barely get out that my mother had died two weeks previously. It was similar when my father died. I didn't cry until I went to a friend's grandmother's funeral where I couldn't stop the tears. It was ridiculous because the family wasn't crying and I didn't know the woman well.
Anyway, your tears will come and it might be in a totally odd and unexpected place. My heart goes out to you.
When my mother died, I didn't shed a tear--just went around taking care of all the details. Her caregivers were crying and looking at me like I was crazy. About 2 weeks later, an acquaintance at the gym, who didn't know my mother had died, casually asked how I was doing. I immediately started crying and could barely get out that my mother had died two weeks previously. It was similar when my father died. I didn't cry until I went to a friend's grandmother's funeral where I couldn't stop the tears. It was ridiculous because the family wasn't crying and I didn't know the woman well.
Anyway, your tears will come and it might be in a totally odd and unexpected place. My heart goes out to you.
Yes, it was similar with me, too, when my parents died. When you're busy putting together a funeral, getting your family out to a city 1500 miles from your home, etc, you don't always have time to cry. But then one day I was putting together an album of my mom's pictures, and when I got to their wedding pictures I cried my eyes out.
Similar to the 2009 Flu Pandemic, this one seems to be hitting the very young and young adults, far more than the typical elderly.
No, it's still the elderly. It's just that the young make the news.
" "Influenza and its complications disproportionately affect people who are 65 and older. They account for 80% of the deaths," said Dr. William Schaffner, an infectious disease specialist at Vanderbilt University." https://www.cnn.com/2018/01/24/healt...lls/index.html
So, that was one of the weirdest funerals I've ever been to.
The funeral was very much about a person as they knew her when she was 18. She passed at 38 years old. I knew she wasn't close to the family (largely because as a single, childfree woman she was not living the life they believed she should), but it was almost shocking how little anyone seemed to know about her. There was no real eulogy and all the photos were from high school except for a handful with her niece. None with her best friend of 25 years, not to mention any of the other friends who were there. It's not like they were hard to find - she posted photos CONSTANTLY on Facebook.
It was a traditional black Baptist service (so very religious and a full sermon as a service), but the sermon had almost nothing to do with her. The pastor (who is the family's pastor today) spoke at length about unrelated things like not asking your parents to pay for your college and taking responsibility for yourself. It made it seem like she was a cautionary tale, but absolutely not! She had scholarships and loans (that she had just paid off) to pay for school and made her own way starting from when she was 18. He barely even spoke about her, even during the eulogy. Afterward, I debriefed with her best friend who also grew up in that church and she said that while the overarching procedure was normal, that the content was weird as hell. Funerals are of course for the living, but I can't imagine what impression all involved with the remarks had about her to craft such an event. It was a 2 hour drive back home with a good friend and we talked about it the whole way, and I've been debriefing with others who were there all evening just to come to grips with what we experienced.
It got weirder graveside. There was no service and then 5 minutes after the coffin was brought out, the family left. When the family left, everyone else left. In some ways, that was a blessing. The 10 or so of us closest to her stayed and each had a few minutes to talk to her before we all bore witness as she was lowered into the ground. We weren't going to leave her alone until she was safely resting. In Jewish tradition, you toss a handful of dirt into the grave. Of course every faith and cultural tradition is different, but there was nothing like that and for the first time I realized just how important to me that act is.
I still can. not. believe. that not a single member of her family stayed. I'm hurt for her. She deserved so much better. She and I bonded over winning the crap family lottery, but in all of my family's horribleness, I don't think they'd ever pull this.
We are holding a celebration of her life next week at work. Her best friend and I are preparing remarks and are going to invite people to tell stories about her. I'm in charge of the playlist (aka Salt n Peppa for days).
It's a whole lot to process on top of still trying to process her death. My heart absolutely aches.
So, that was one of the weirdest funerals I've ever been to.
The funeral was very much about a person as they knew her when she was 18. She passed at 38 years old. I knew she wasn't close to the family (largely because as a single, childfree woman she was not living the life they believed she should), but it was almost shocking how little anyone seemed to know about her. There was no real eulogy and all the photos were from high school except for a handful with her niece. None with her best friend of 25 years, not to mention any of the other friends who were there. It's not like they were hard to find - she posted photos CONSTANTLY on Facebook.
It was a traditional black Baptist service (so very religious and a full sermon as a service), but the sermon had almost nothing to do with her. The pastor (who is the family's pastor today) spoke at length about unrelated things like not asking your parents to pay for your college and taking responsibility for yourself. It made it seem like she was a cautionary tale, but absolutely not! She had scholarships and loans (that she had just paid off) to pay for school and made her own way starting from when she was 18. He barely even spoke about her, even during the eulogy. Afterward, I debriefed with her best friend who also grew up in that church and she said that while the overarching procedure was normal, that the content was weird as hell. Funerals are of course for the living, but I can't imagine what impression all involved with the remarks had about her to craft such an event. It was a 2 hour drive back home with a good friend and we talked about it the whole way, and I've been debriefing with others who were there all evening just to come to grips with what we experienced.
It got weirder graveside. There was no service and then 5 minutes after the coffin was brought out, the family left. When the family left, everyone else left. In some ways, that was a blessing. The 10 or so of us closest to her stayed and each had a few minutes to talk to her before we all bore witness as she was lowered into the ground. We weren't going to leave her alone until she was safely resting. In Jewish tradition, you toss a handful of dirt into the grave. Of course every faith and cultural tradition is different, but there was nothing like that and for the first time I realized just how important to me that act is.
I still can. not. believe. that not a single member of her family stayed. I'm hurt for her. She deserved so much better. She and I bonded over winning the crap family lottery, but in all of my family's horribleness, I don't think they'd ever pull this.
We are holding a celebration of her life next week at work. Her best friend and I are preparing remarks and are going to invite people to tell stories about her. I'm in charge of the playlist (aka Salt n Peppa for days).
It's a whole lot to process on top of still trying to process her death. My heart absolutely aches.
That does sound very odd. Was your friend gay? Or did her parents think she was gay? Or had she lived in a way they perceived to be shameful? I'm just trying to think of reasons for their peculiar behavior.
In any case, it's good that you went and good that y'all are going to hold your own memorial service. That type of thing helps with the grieving process.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
