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Old 01-15-2018, 08:48 PM
 
Location: Camberville
11,395 posts, read 15,995,267 times
Reputation: 18034

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A good friend died. We don't know when - her downstairs neighbors hadn't heard her walking around in at least 3 days and there were packages stacked up in front of her door. I was there when the police found her body. I haven't cried (and I cry at the drop of a hat) and I don't know how to process it.

Her sister found me on a social networking site this morning asking if I had heard from my friend. It turns out no one in the family had heard from her in almost a week which is incredibly unusual for her. She and I work together and I knew she was out sick with the flu, but neither of us are big fans of texting so after some messaging back and forth during a snowstorm we didn't talk which was not out of the norm for us.

I immediately went over to her apartment and knew something was wrong. Her car was still parked in her spot with clear signs that it hadn't been moved after the last snowfall. After getting into the building and banging on the door, I called the police who arrived in under 2 minutes at which point I was in near full blown panic attack shut-down. It took her landlord 20 minutes to get there to let the police into her apartment. She was just 38 years old.

You always hear about people being found dead in their beds, but you don't think about it with a healthy 30-something. Her worst fear was dying alone and that is exactly what happened. It breaks my heart.

Get your flu shots and please go to the doctor sooner rather than later.
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Old 01-15-2018, 09:01 PM
 
1,437 posts, read 510,672 times
Reputation: 4749
I’m sorry; that is so sad and difficult that it will likely take some time for it to sink in. I hope your family/friends will be able to help you get through the grieving process.
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Old 01-15-2018, 11:12 PM
 
Location: Georgia, USA
21,485 posts, read 26,089,700 times
Reputation: 26440
I am so, so sorry, charolastra.

What an absolutely devastating experience.

Condolences to you and to your friend's family and friends.
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Old 01-15-2018, 11:16 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,845 posts, read 51,301,408 times
Reputation: 27662
I'm sorry you had to take the lead on finding out what was happening, I'm sorry that you lost a good friend. It is not unusual that you haven't cried, and it takes a while to get beyond the initial shock.

Please keep in close contact with your other friends for support, and know that the people here have a non-judgmental understanding that comes from experience. If you need to talk, you may find communicating here a help.

I always suggest writing down your feelings, or writing a letter or notes to the deceased by hand. There is something healing about taking pen to paper and writing. It isn't magic, but it can help much more than you might expect.
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Old 01-16-2018, 03:10 AM
 
Location: S. FL (hell for me-wife loves it)
2,982 posts, read 1,709,587 times
Reputation: 8906
Your mind is still trying to process this charolastra00. It took my wife 3 days to make a peep after her beloved father died. Give yourself time to heal and think it through. I am also very sorry for the tragedy bestowed upon you.
My thoughts are with you. Don't be hard on yourself.
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Old 01-16-2018, 09:20 AM
 
Location: Camberville
11,395 posts, read 15,995,267 times
Reputation: 18034
It still doesn't feel real. I spent most of yesterday afternoon contacting friends and coworkers, and this morning had to write a first draft of remarks for the head of our organization as both part of my normal job as well as due to my closeness with her. A good part of my afternoon yesterday was spent trying to strategize telling her best friend of 25 years, who also works at the same organization (all three of us in different departments). The family was so overwhelmed that after getting to voicemail, they passed off that task to me asking me to tell her "if I passed her in the hall at work."

Luckily, I was able to reach the head of the best friend's department who went over to her house to tell her in person and wait with her until her husband arrived home. They have a newborn and my friend was the baby's godmother and "auntie."

Sometimes I really wish I wasn't so good at jumping in and dealing with this stuff. I am so hurt and so emotionally exhausted and devastated, but there are a lot of friends and coworkers who deserve to know from someone in person before a mass email goes out or it starts to hit social media.
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Old 01-16-2018, 09:53 AM
 
Location: Gettysburg, PA
1,563 posts, read 1,510,434 times
Reputation: 2750
Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
A good friend died. We don't know when - her downstairs neighbors hadn't heard her walking around in at least 3 days and there were packages stacked up in front of her door. I was there when the police found her body. I haven't cried (and I cry at the drop of a hat) and I don't know how to process it.

Her sister found me on a social networking site this morning asking if I had heard from my friend. It turns out no one in the family had heard from her in almost a week which is incredibly unusual for her. She and I work together and I knew she was out sick with the flu, but neither of us are big fans of texting so after some messaging back and forth during a snowstorm we didn't talk which was not out of the norm for us.

I immediately went over to her apartment and knew something was wrong. Her car was still parked in her spot with clear signs that it hadn't been moved after the last snowfall. After getting into the building and banging on the door, I called the police who arrived in under 2 minutes at which point I was in near full blown panic attack shut-down. It took her landlord 20 minutes to get there to let the police into her apartment. She was just 38 years old.

You always hear about people being found dead in their beds, but you don't think about it with a healthy 30-something. Her worst fear was dying alone and that is exactly what happened. It breaks my heart.

Get your flu shots and please go to the doctor sooner rather than later.
I'm sorry this has happened. This is similar to what happened at my workplace in July. A co-worker with whom I was friendly did not show up to work. We were concerned because she always either is there or calls if there is a problem. Very good worker, reliable. At the suggestion of the manager, I and another employee went over to her house to check on her. Knocked on the door/rang doorbell, nothing. We called the police to do a welfare check, they found her dead in the bathroom. She was 34 years old. They said it was internal bleeding but we still don't know what exactly happened; she was prone to panic attacks.

I was crying profusely; I cry very easily. I cried a lot, at work and in other places. I remember in particular a very beautiful song at church made me burst into tears. It has helped me to know that she is resting in the arms of the Lord Jesus. I miss her immensely and am still sad at times, but the crying has stopped. I trust that it was the will of the Lord to take her at that time and that his ways are always right no matter how messed up or wrong they seem to us. That is what has given me the most comfort during the difficult time after her death.
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Old 01-16-2018, 09:57 AM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
3,996 posts, read 1,776,085 times
Reputation: 13784
Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
Sometimes I really wish I wasn't so good at jumping in and dealing with this stuff. I am so hurt and so emotionally exhausted and devastated, but there are a lot of friends and coworkers who deserve to know from someone in person before a mass email goes out or it starts to hit social media.
Well; I admire you for having that quality. I volunteered my self as the family spokesperson after my mom died in March & it was horribly difficult. I'm not good at it.

One of my teenage twin daughters was on a band trip out of state & I was desperately trying to squash any social media attempts by her cousins or 9 siblings while trying to contact the chaperones on the trip.

Unfortunately, they were in a performance while I was trying to contact them & everybody had their phones off. The first thing she saw after the concert was a social media post from one of her older brothers saying "RIP Grandma ..."

I know it's exhausting but much preferable to the alternative of social media.
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Old 01-16-2018, 10:23 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh, PA (lovely hills but no ocean...)
895 posts, read 426,186 times
Reputation: 982
Sorry to hear this. But getting a flu shot is not the answer.
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Old 01-16-2018, 10:32 AM
 
13,009 posts, read 12,440,016 times
Reputation: 37270
Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
It still doesn't feel real. I spent most of yesterday afternoon contacting friends and coworkers, and this morning had to write a first draft of remarks for the head of our organization as both part of my normal job as well as due to my closeness with her. A good part of my afternoon yesterday was spent trying to strategize telling her best friend of 25 years, who also works at the same organization (all three of us in different departments). The family was so overwhelmed that after getting to voicemail, they passed off that task to me asking me to tell her "if I passed her in the hall at work."

Luckily, I was able to reach the head of the best friend's department who went over to her house to tell her in person and wait with her until her husband arrived home. They have a newborn and my friend was the baby's godmother and "auntie."

Sometimes I really wish I wasn't so good at jumping in and dealing with this stuff. I am so hurt and so emotionally exhausted and devastated, but there are a lot of friends and coworkers who deserve to know from someone in person before a mass email goes out or it starts to hit social media.
Charolastra, I'm so so sorry. What an awful way to lose a good friend. When I lost my best friend in my 20s, it was due to a genetic disease she'd had all her life - it was devastating but not a shock. This must feel like being hit by a bus.

It's so kind of you to make sure to notify other mutual friends personally - exhausting, I'm sure you will take some comfort from the fact that you were able to provide a gentler landing than finding out about it on Facebook to your friends.

As for her dying alone, it sounds like there was a lot of people who cared about her. Technically, we all die alone, but she had to know there was a wide network of people who cared about her. If there wasn't, you wouldn't be so exhausted. And you clearly loved her very dearly - trust me, she knew. She was loved and all those people if they had known would have done their best to help her. She was alone, but she was valued and appreciated and loved. That's more than a lot of people have.

Hugs to you in your time of grief.
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