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Old 01-27-2018, 06:26 PM
Status: "Thanks a lot MFBE" (set 1 day ago)
 
Location: Land of the Tonkawa and Kiowa
3,902 posts, read 1,471,959 times
Reputation: 5449

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Quote:
Originally Posted by october2007 View Post
...during the last year or so of her life I came and lived with her and tried to help her. I began to feel very attached to her and enjoy her in a way I never really had since I was young. She died sort of suddenly and it was shocking to me.

...Without her I feel ungrounded and insecure and nothing seems to be worth doing anymore if she is gone. Can anyone relate?
First off, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, and how deeply it's impacting you. I can relate in a way with my own little family. I used to be by myself, and completely content alone. But after being around them, they changed my life. We're apart now, and it really hurts. I feel ungrounded and insecure without them, and it is very hard.

It sounds like your mother changed you, and you could really appreciate her, and her being around. Please keep writing and reaching out. We do care about you, and want to help talk, even if that's all that's available right now.
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Old 01-27-2018, 06:51 PM
 
7,031 posts, read 3,744,270 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by october2007 View Post
My mother died 4 years ago. I never thought it would affect me so much and I'm wondering if this is unhealthy or abnormal and/or what to do about it. I did have grief counseling soon after she died but not sure it helped and it seems like in some ways I feel worse about it after 4 years.

Anyway, I continue to miss her but mostly it feels like it has destabilized me. It feels like my foundation and roots are gone and there's no real purpose to life anymore.
Perhaps it is time to talk to a therapist again. Grief counseling deals with the short term; if, after four years, you're feeling worse and "destabilized" and like you have no purpose in life, you may benefit from some additional support to help you move forward.

Hugs, and best wishes.
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Old 01-27-2018, 08:13 PM
 
2,770 posts, read 2,043,223 times
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I have no children and my father died many years ago. I'm not close to my brother or sister who live in another State.

My mother has been my anchor but I am aware of this. I have been emotionally planning for the day she will no longer be with me.
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Old 01-28-2018, 12:36 AM
 
4,832 posts, read 2,142,556 times
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Op: I respect your view point and honesty. It's indeed an awakening that sometimes makes you want to ignore it's existence. I've no remedy ...Will say ...you have my empathy in this time of your life. You are so deserving of knowing...you are worthy of peace and happiness...May it find you. Your mom raised a kind soul ...remember that.
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Old 01-28-2018, 06:36 AM
 
Location: Central Massachusetts
4,677 posts, read 4,484,659 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by october2007 View Post
My mother died 4 years ago. I never thought it would affect me so much and I'm wondering if this is unhealthy or abnormal and/or what to do about it. I did have grief counseling soon after she died but not sure it helped and it seems like in some ways I feel worse about it after 4 years.

I'm a 61 year old single woman and feeling alone in life now because I actually am (father long gone, my only sister and I are no longer speaking, a couple of long distance friends). I've lived away from family most of my adult life and wasn't that close to my mother but during the last year or so of her life I came and lived with her and tried to help her. I began to feel very attached to her and enjoy her in a way I never really had since I was young. She died sort of suddenly and it was shocking to me.

Anyway, I continue to miss her but mostly it feels like it has destabilized me. It feels like my foundation and roots are gone and there's no real purpose to life anymore. I think this is kind of strange since I went most of my life not being that close to her. But knowing she was there even though miles away grounded me and helped me feel secure I guess. Without her I feel ungrounded and insecure and nothing seems to be worth doing anymore if she is gone. Can anyone relate? This seems kind of extreme to me but I feel like I can't deny it anymore.
My sympathies and prayers to you. I know exactly how you felt. Yesterday I was called up to my dad who had taken a turn for the worse. He was now dealing with fluid on his lungs and within 2 hours of my arrival he took his final breath.

While I had seen and lived through this with my mother who passed away in 2010 it was still unnerving to me and put me in a state of shock. I saw the pallor come into his face as he went ashen gray and stopped breathing.

He went very quietly as we were discussing about bringing his wife home so she could get her medication and some necessities for a stay by his side. I think he finally let go to save us more pain. It was not going to be any easier but at least now we can begin to move on.
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Old 01-28-2018, 08:49 AM
 
Location: Virginia
3,462 posts, read 1,641,512 times
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October2007, my Mom died 5 years ago and it was very destabilizing for my life. Although she had Alzheimers and was in memory care, my sister and I visited her weekly, which also gave us a chance to visit together (both of us lived out of state from my Mom.) When my Mom died peacefully in her sleep, I felt like the link with my sister was broken as well, because we weren't seeing each other weekly. Now my sister too has died (one month ago), and I don't have anyone to talk to about my Mom.

For the first couple of years after my Mom's death I really became kind of a hermit. I'm retired and a widow, and I even closed my little antique business. I just didn't have the heart for it anymore. It has only been in the last year and a half that I've made myself get out and participate in new things, like becoming a Master Gardener, which has opened up a whole new vista of activities and friends. I'm an introvert at heart so it was difficult at first, but the effort has been worth it in the end. Good luck to you in your efforts to find something or someone that will ground you as well.
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Old 01-28-2018, 11:21 AM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
34,531 posts, read 42,694,765 times
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I too, had a similar feeling when my father died. My mother was already gone, and even though I lived far away, and had a family of my own, I felt like an orphan. Even at 40, with a job and husband and family, I felt as though my father had been a safety net in case I needed one.

The feeling was temporary, OP, and I expect yourís will be too. Live for yourself, and do what makes you happy. The loss of your mother just slammed you with the reality that life is short and we all only have one trip through this life.
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Old 01-28-2018, 08:47 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,841 posts, read 51,286,023 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oldsoldier1976 View Post
My sympathies and prayers to you. I know exactly how you felt. Yesterday I was called up to my dad who had taken a turn for the worse. He was now dealing with fluid on his lungs and within 2 hours of my arrival he took his final breath.

While I had seen and lived through this with my mother who passed away in 2010 it was still unnerving to me and put me in a state of shock. I saw the pallor come into his face as he went ashen gray and stopped breathing.

He went very quietly as we were discussing about bringing his wife home so she could get her medication and some necessities for a stay by his side. I think he finally let go to save us more pain. It was not going to be any easier but at least now we can begin to move on.
Oldsoldier, sorry for your loss. Being present at the moment of death is a life changing experience. I ask you to trust me when I state that every situation is unique, and though we may feel a rapport and understanding, we know not the family history, nor do we know the interpersonal relationships. I don't presume to know the depth of your loss, but I do embrace you as one who has joined a club we would all rather not be members of.
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Old 01-30-2018, 09:26 AM
 
Location: WA
616 posts, read 300,740 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
"Anyway, I continue to miss her but mostly it feels like it has destabilized me. It feels like my foundation and roots are gone and there's no real purpose to life anymore."

"Life feels pointless alone. Maybe it's not just that my mother is gone but that I am very alone that is affecting me so much. But it does feel my foundation/roots are gone now."

The technical term for this is "existential crisis." Been there, done that many more than a few times, got the t-shirt and the merit badges. You are correct in the idea that an anchor can stabilize you, and that your previous anchor is gone.

Your next question is "How do you want to proceed?" If you want more anchors, there are obvious ones, such as religion, selfless work, close friends. I in no way denigrate those or diminish them, they are ALL valid. There is a much harder path as well. The encompassing phrase for it is known as a "spiritual quest." A true spiritual quest takes years, and may be never ending and can be troubling and frustrating a lot of the time. The positive of it is that the quest itself is an anchor unlike any other. Much of the time when you are on such a quest, you are involved in a religion or religions, perform selfless work, and have close friends.

How do you start such a quest? Ask yourself the simple question "What is/are the purpose(s) of life?" and write down as many answers as you can possibly think of, understanding that there may still be more. Once you have done that, start exploring and trying to experience each one fully, taking all the time you need before moving on to the next. YOU guide the quest, YOU set the pace. Eventually, you do come up with answers that work for you. No one can do the work of a quest for you.

There can be ways to facilitate such a quest, such as extensive reading, or Jungian analysis, or religious studies, or meditation practices, or any number of other possibilities. ALL of those ways can lead to your being a better person, a more purposeful person, and a more fulfilled person.
I think there definitely is an existential crisis component to this. I no longer have some of my identifiers due to loss of relationships and other things that were part of my life before my mother died. My life is very different now and it's rattling me. Thanks for your rich response.
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Old 01-30-2018, 09:31 AM
 
Location: WA
616 posts, read 300,740 times
Reputation: 386
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cabound1 View Post
I can completely relate. In fact, I could have written the post. Iím 55, a single woman. Lived my whole adult life away from home and independently. For most of my adult life, I wasnít real close to family, but became close to my mom a few years back. Then she died suddenly last year, and I feel rudderless in a way.

For me, I knew once she died there was no one left to confide in who would understand where I was coming from. I donít expect there ever will be, as my siblings just donít have the same perspective I have.

I donít know how normal these feelings are. I do think part of it is my age. I think people naturally feel more vulnerable as they hit senior status. Particularly if you are single and childless.
Rudderless is a good word. I am still amazed that despite not believing I was close to my mother and not really "needing" her as an adult, I have been thrown for a loop at the loss of her in my life. I'm sorry for your loss too and it sounds like you know how I feel. I think it made me feel secure knowing she was there where I grew up, gave me a link to what I gave up by leaving "home" and was the only one who really knew my history etc. It feels like my roots are gone but they aren't.
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