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Old 01-30-2018, 09:36 AM
 
Location: WA
616 posts, read 301,194 times
Reputation: 386

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Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
I am sorry for your loss.

I can relate to you. Losing my sister had that effect on me for about that length of time. My grief was made more devastating when I lost my brother, my last sibling about 2 years after my sister.

It took me a couple more years before I felt like I was truly focused and back to some sense of normalcy. Finally through processing and thinking about how much time I was wasting literally doing almost nothing...turning down lunch invites, not enjoying my outside gardening etc. simply going through the day to day without enjoying anything really. I finally decided that I owed it too my deceased siblings to get back to living. I would imagine that they would be taking me to task for wiling away time rather than enjoying my life.

That helped me immensely to get back to being more productive and to actually begin to enjoy my previous hobbies and interests.

Your grief is real, each person grieves at their own speed....there are no hard and fast rules so do not be alarmed about your grief. But, as you grieve you'll eventually begin to think of experiences with your mom that can become cherished memories.

It was a blessing that you had time with your mom after having lived away for so long. I lived away from family for most of my adult life and that is a big regret of mine, that I was states away with no day to day.

You also gave up your life and moved back home, which is likely making your grief harder. Take a look at whether you really want to remain there.

One thing that has helped is talking on the phone occasionally with a friend of my sister, who also is grieving her loss. It has turned over the last several years into a friendship....we actually haven't even mentioned my sis passing for the last several calls.

If you have extended family or friends of your mom that you could simply reconnect to that might help, as well as support groups online for grief and forums such as this one. Talking and sharing your grief can help so much.

There is a saying usually regarding romantic relationships that might fit here.

Depression is hanging on, Sadness is letting go. I believe what you are lacking and what is keeping you so stuck emotionally is not talking with others and processing your loss...you are sort of suffering silently it seems. Here are a few links from a search for "grief support online"....there are many that are free.
Bereavement and Grief Chat Room - Bereavement and Grief Forums - Bereavement and Grief Community - Social Networking - Online Bereavement and Grief Support Group - HealthfulChat

Online Grief Support Groups: Loss of A Loved One | Grief In Common

Online Grief Support - A Social Community - Don't grieve alone; 13,500 members and growing
Thank you for the links and I'm so sorry for your losses. Life does take a toll as we go along. I actually didn't move back there...I was going to but then she died and I went back to where I was. I have since moved from there though and I think living somewhere that doesn't feel like home is also affecting me and making me feel ungrounded.
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Old 01-30-2018, 09:44 AM
 
Location: WA
616 posts, read 301,194 times
Reputation: 386
I have been heartened by all the empathetic and interesting responses. I didn't realize others share similar feelings and have had trouble dealing with such losses.

I think my feelings have been exacerbated by a trip back "home." I had to visit to pick something up from my sister who I am no longer speaking with. Being in my home town surrounded by memories was really getting to me. I wanted my mother to be there as she always was but she's gone. I felt like I was perhaps regressing in my grief. I kept thinking how it might have been if I had never moved 3000 miles away and had stayed closer. I am grateful that I had that time with my mother before she died but I am aware of what I gave up by moving away and it saddens me. But I think I did what I had to do.

I still feel strange without family and particularly a mother. But I do think working on finding an inner anchor would help. Thanks again for all the responses. I don't think this is something most people talk about much and I feel better knowing I'm not alone in some of my feelings.
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Old 01-30-2018, 01:14 PM
 
Location: Kansas City North
3,625 posts, read 6,761,752 times
Reputation: 4630
Interesting to hear people’s descriptions - “rudderless” “untethered balloon” etc. My own feeling was that of being thrown in the ocean to swim for myself. All variations on the same theme. My mother died unexpectedly of an aneurysm when I was 20 and she was 52. Losing my mother was the worst experience of my life. Nothing has come close to it.
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Old 01-30-2018, 01:55 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,433 posts, read 18,150,188 times
Reputation: 18814
My deepest sympathies to you, October and oldsoldier. My Mom will be gone 26 years this June 2nd and though the raw pain is gone, I miss her very much. I saw HER cry a couple of times over HER mother, my Nana, even though Nana had been gone over 30 years. The emptiness never goes completely away, you just learn to live with it.

My best wishes to both of you.
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Old 01-30-2018, 03:24 PM
 
Location: WA
616 posts, read 301,194 times
Reputation: 386
Quote:
Originally Posted by Okey Dokie View Post
Interesting to hear people’s descriptions - “rudderless” “untethered balloon” etc. My own feeling was that of being thrown in the ocean to swim for myself. All variations on the same theme. My mother died unexpectedly of an aneurysm when I was 20 and she was 52. Losing my mother was the worst experience of my life. Nothing has come close to it.
I'm sorry you lost your mother at such a young age. I think that is why you describe it as a sink or swim experience - being suddenly on your own dealing with not only intense shock and grief but life itself and perhaps feeling unprepared. I think having a parent die brings up a host of feelings that aren't always easy to navigate through. I hope you've fared well despite such a loss.
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Old 01-30-2018, 04:03 PM
 
Location: Mt. Lebanon
1,793 posts, read 1,825,639 times
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My dear, first of all sincere condolences. Things like these are hard to get over - if ever. You will always miss her and she will always live in your heart. Console yourself that you were there and helped as much as you could.
Now you are an island. You need to connect with other islands and form an archipelago.
No, seriously, isolation is not good for you. If I were you I'd make a list of all the things I liked or promised myself to do. Things you like. Like hobbies, be it scrapbooking, crochetting, dancing, pottery, you name it.

For all these there are groups online and where you live that do this. Find them online. See where they meet, what they do. If you have a common passion it will be easy to befriend them.

Other idea: volunteer. In church or at a shelter, library etc. Volunteers are needed. Helping someone is helping you. You will feel fulfilled. And mom would have liked it. Think of it: she would want you to be happy again. To live your life. Courage.
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Old 01-30-2018, 04:34 PM
 
Location: WA
616 posts, read 301,194 times
Reputation: 386
Quote:
Originally Posted by oldsoldier1976 View Post
My sympathies and prayers to you. I know exactly how you felt. Yesterday I was called up to my dad who had taken a turn for the worse. He was now dealing with fluid on his lungs and within 2 hours of my arrival he took his final breath.

While I had seen and lived through this with my mother who passed away in 2010 it was still unnerving to me and put me in a state of shock. I saw the pallor come into his face as he went ashen gray and stopped breathing.

He went very quietly as we were discussing about bringing his wife home so she could get her medication and some necessities for a stay by his side. I think he finally let go to save us more pain. It was not going to be any easier but at least now we can begin to move on.
I was there too when my mother suddenly gasped and was dying. It was very traumatic. Worst night of my life. Really makes death very real and is stunning how quickly someone can be gone. A few minutes earlier we were chatting and then she was in distress and I was calling 911.
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Old 01-30-2018, 04:43 PM
 
Location: WA
616 posts, read 301,194 times
Reputation: 386
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bungalove View Post
October2007, my Mom died 5 years ago and it was very destabilizing for my life. Although she had Alzheimers and was in memory care, my sister and I visited her weekly, which also gave us a chance to visit together (both of us lived out of state from my Mom.) When my Mom died peacefully in her sleep, I felt like the link with my sister was broken as well, because we weren't seeing each other weekly. Now my sister too has died (one month ago), and I don't have anyone to talk to about my Mom.

For the first couple of years after my Mom's death I really became kind of a hermit. I'm retired and a widow, and I even closed my little antique business. I just didn't have the heart for it anymore. It has only been in the last year and a half that I've made myself get out and participate in new things, like becoming a Master Gardener, which has opened up a whole new vista of activities and friends. I'm an introvert at heart so it was difficult at first, but the effort has been worth it in the end. Good luck to you in your efforts to find something or someone that will ground you as well.
I'm so sorry for your losses. They say each loss harkens back to previous losses sort of compounding the pain. It's painful not to have anyone to talk about your mother with - my sister and I are no longer speaking but even when we were she didn't really want to talk about our mother after she died. I'm sorry you've lost your sister now too.

I became more withdrawn too after she died and everything in my life seemed pointless or unimportant and I jettisoned maybe too much of it. It sounds like you've come a long way and have a new passion. I'm more of an introvert too and that can make it more difficult but not impossible. Thanks for the inspiration.
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Old 01-30-2018, 05:02 PM
Status: "Adios to dummyland" (set 1 day ago)
 
Location: Land of the Caddo and Tonkawa
3,907 posts, read 1,476,586 times
Reputation: 5465
I lost my father last year, and my mother still is struggling with the loss, more than the rest of us. She's still in their home, so having to face it without him physically there. However, she doesn't want to go anywhere else at the moment, because she doesn't want to lose any more familiarity. Despite having to go on, on some level, death seems to teach us about the living, and our time on this "side". Hopefully all of us going through grief, can see those quiet thoughts and messages, and maybe some sunlight, poking through from time to time.
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Old 01-30-2018, 07:59 PM
 
Location: MID ATLANTIC
7,598 posts, read 17,623,584 times
Reputation: 8083
October2007, I wish I could say it gets easier.......I believe we just cope better with time. The wound is still there and with very little effort, it could be raw. I lost my mom in 1992. In the end, she gave up, refused dialysis, she just couldn't take it any more, she was tired and her quality of life was non existent. For years, I felt guilty I couldn't give her that quality. No, I may not weep, but the pain is very real. I hurt for the grandson she never met, for the other grandson that cannot remember her. I feel like someone cut a hole through my core. I lost my dad five years later, I was sad, but my mom's death was a deeper wound. Then, three months ago I lost my dog. As I processed my grief, I realized he was so much more to me. Not that this pup could replace either parent, but he benefited from the love I had in me to give. (A mom can only give her grown sons measured love, otherwise, they will feel smothered and over- mothered). So, when I lost my pup, I was lost. I spiraled into deep grief. It was after this loss, I recognized I never stopped grieving for the humans I had lost, my parents. It's hell waking up one day and realizing there's no one to call for help or advice. It's all you, baby, all on you.

It's a bit easier now. But over the years I have had some freaky things happen, things that make me believe at times she is right there, next to me. Or, I will hear her voice in my head. I recall one night, in a dead sleep, I woke up hearing my mom call my name, loudly, so much so it startled me awake. Okay, enough crazy lady talk. But now, if I get these feelings, I quietly acknowledge them and let myself soak in the feeling. No one in my family knows I get these whims, but I've learned to embrace them. The other thing I am doing is adopting a new pup 😊.

My wish for you to discover your coping methods to help you not only get thru your day, but to look forward to the next day, and the day after. Everyone deals with grief differently. I hope you find your way.
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