U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 01-31-2018, 07:36 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,433 posts, read 18,150,188 times
Reputation: 18814

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by SmartMoney View Post
I lost my mom in 1992. I recall one night, in a dead sleep, I woke up hearing my mom call my name, loudly, so much so it startled me awake. Okay, enough crazy lady talk.
That's when I lost my mom too. I also had the experience of her calling my name so loudly it woke me from a sound sleep saying "What?" Clear as a bell. Another crazy lady.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-31-2018, 09:53 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,639,274 times
Reputation: 33226
Quote:
Originally Posted by october2007 View Post
I was there too when my mother suddenly gasped and was dying. It was very traumatic. Worst night of my life. Really makes death very real and is stunning how quickly someone can be gone. A few minutes earlier we were chatting and then she was in distress and I was calling 911.
Very sorry for you loss.

When my mother was dying I know it's sound dumb but I never thought the day would come, my dad followed a year later.

Like you and others who have posted, I am single and have no children.

So you're not alone in that respect, but I know it's very hard.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-31-2018, 10:10 PM
 
588 posts, read 121,986 times
Reputation: 342
Quote:
Originally Posted by october2007
My mother died 4 years ago. I never thought it would affect me so much and I'm wondering if this is unhealthy or abnormal and/or what to do about it.
Nothing @ all wrong with it.... Our mother and fathers are the closest people to us....... Not having ANY FEELINGS would be quite bad and wrong......

I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you can start to feel happy again soon


Peace and love to you October2007
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-01-2018, 09:06 AM
 
Location: WA
616 posts, read 301,194 times
Reputation: 386
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
Very sorry for you loss.

When my mother was dying I know it's sound dumb but I never thought the day would come, my dad followed a year later.

Like you and others who have posted, I am single and have no children.

So you're not alone in that respect, but I know it's very hard.
I too sort of felt she'd never die...it was irrational but I didn't anticipate it really even though she was unwell. It was always "in the future." I do think being single makes it different. When you create your own family it's probably less like losing your roots, although still a loss. I did some additional genealogy after she died and that sort of helped me feel more connected to my roots. Thanks.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-01-2018, 09:45 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,433 posts, read 18,150,188 times
Reputation: 18814
Quote:
Originally Posted by october2007 View Post
I too sort of felt she'd never die...it was irrational but I didn't anticipate it really even though she was unwell. It was always "in the future." I do think being single makes it different. When you create your own family it's probably less like losing your roots, although still a loss. I did some additional genealogy after she died and that sort of helped me feel more connected to my roots. Thanks.
I think most of us feel that way, october, that out parents will never die even though it's inevitable and natural. They are our "constant" in life, those of us who were blessed to have elderly parents. Think of it this way, would it have been better to have been a motherless young child/person or to have had her in your life, albeit by phone, for a good portion of your life? Stop beating yourself up. You are not the only kid to have moved away from home.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-01-2018, 02:30 PM
 
Location: WA
616 posts, read 301,194 times
Reputation: 386
Stop beating yourself up. You are not the only kid to have moved away from home.[/quote]

Thanks...I needed that! 😊 I don't feel guilty about it but just have realized moving away came with a cost. But I was always curious about living in different places so I did. But I think moving around quite a bit has made me wonder where I really belong now and that may be part of my feeling ungrounded. But I can work on it. Thanks.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-02-2018, 06:36 AM
 
Location: WA
616 posts, read 301,194 times
Reputation: 386
Quote:
Originally Posted by sandy221 View Post
Nothing @ all wrong with it.... Our mother and fathers are the closest people to us....... Not having ANY FEELINGS would be quite bad and wrong......

I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you can start to feel happy again soon


Peace and love to you October2007
Thank you! I know sad feelings are normal but I wondered if feeling so ungrounded now was a little strange. I think some other things are contributing also but I think loss of parents especially when single can be hard.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-02-2018, 12:30 PM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,249,971 times
Reputation: 4549
I don't see anything abnormal about feeling ungrounded when we no longer have parents and have no spouse. Being "unattached" to very close family is a new feeling, an uncomfortable feeling, and it takes a lot of getting used to. I still miss calling my mom every Sunday to talk things over, and it has been at least 8 years since that happened. But the feeling that something is wrong on Sundays (because I can't call her) is gradually fading. I have heard people say that you eventually start feeling more free, and enjoy it. I have not gotten there, and I'm not sure that is an attitude I will ever have. But one has to establish and get used to new patterns. When I was growing up, there was always a big meal at mid-day with extended family (immediate family, grandparents, aunt, uncle and 3 cousins.) After my family moved to another state, we still had that big Sunday meal, even though that extended family was not there. But when I got married and moved away, that was not appropriate for my husband and I, and never became so. We had other things to do on Sunday afternoons. But I missed it for years - always had this feeling that something was wrong. It faded, eventually. It is the pattern of your life that changes and leaves a "ghost" that hangs around for a long time.

Now add onto that change of patterns your feelings of grief over the loss of someone close, and I don't think it is unusual to feel ungrounded. The only advice I can give is to have patience, and try to establish a pattern of doing things you enjoy. Acknowledge that you are feeling uncomfortable, allow yourself to feel that, and develop other ways of living. It is a slow process, but I think it has to happen for us to feel at home in the world again.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-08-2018, 12:48 AM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,706 posts, read 21,760,954 times
Reputation: 27757
Sometimes I feel like I'm here to watch people die. Mom was the youngest in her family, and I am the youngest in mine. I took a serious hit when my eldest brother died. I have been adrift since mom died four and a half years ago.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-11-2018, 07:28 AM
 
Location: WA
616 posts, read 301,194 times
Reputation: 386
Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
I don't see anything abnormal about feeling ungrounded when we no longer have parents and have no spouse. Being "unattached" to very close family is a new feeling, an uncomfortable feeling, and it takes a lot of getting used to. I still miss calling my mom every Sunday to talk things over, and it has been at least 8 years since that happened. But the feeling that something is wrong on Sundays (because I can't call her) is gradually fading. I have heard people say that you eventually start feeling more free, and enjoy it. I have not gotten there, and I'm not sure that is an attitude I will ever have. But one has to establish and get used to new patterns. When I was growing up, there was always a big meal at mid-day with extended family (immediate family, grandparents, aunt, uncle and 3 cousins.) After my family moved to another state, we still had that big Sunday meal, even though that extended family was not there. But when I got married and moved away, that was not appropriate for my husband and I, and never became so. We had other things to do on Sunday afternoons. But I missed it for years - always had this feeling that something was wrong. It faded, eventually. It is the pattern of your life that changes and leaves a "ghost" that hangs around for a long time.

Now add onto that change of patterns your feelings of grief over the loss of someone close, and I don't think it is unusual to feel ungrounded. The only advice I can give is to have patience, and try to establish a pattern of doing things you enjoy. Acknowledge that you are feeling uncomfortable, allow yourself to feel that, and develop other ways of living. It is a slow process, but I think it has to happen for us to feel at home in the world again.
Thank you Grasshopper. It's all good advice. I think it's easier to feel free after parents die if they had been overbearing or controlling or demanding but I never really experienced that and now it almost feels I'm too free - like blowing in the wind or something. But getting into some routines and making more connections may help if I can do that. I do think you're right that you just have to acknowledge where you are and try and accept it so you can move forward.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top