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Old 03-03-2018, 01:35 PM
Location: Polynesia
2,141 posts, read 1,106,465 times
Reputation: 3677


Originally Posted by Tac-Sea View Post
I am sorry to hear about your loss. Although it will be tough to adjust at first you WILL make it. One of the benefits of your time with your husband is that you know how he would think now and the things he would say and do in certain situations.

I've thought the same thing about my better half and my father. What would I do if something happened to them. For one, I made it without them to begin with, but I also have the benefit of having their thoughts with me so even if they are not around, I know exactly what they would think, do or say in situations. I think about things sometimes and when I think what they would do, I immediately know what they would do. No one is truly ever gone, they live in our hearts and minds, and so does your husband in yours. Hang in there, you will make it. I KNOW you will.
Thank you Tac-Sea. Your words have been a comfort to me.
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Old 03-03-2018, 01:47 PM
Location: Polynesia
2,141 posts, read 1,106,465 times
Reputation: 3677
Originally Posted by janellen View Post
Butterflyfish, here's a forum that was a great help to me on what to do when I first became a widow three years ago.

This post spells it all out for you...what to do in the immediate future.

In the early days, everything is a blurry mess and decision making is heavily clouded for relatively long time. As choperette already said, making important and long lasting decisions is not a good idea for a long time and an important decision can be as seeming little as answering the question "what to do with your husband's/wife's belongings". Trust me, you are not in a hurry and taking time and allowing time to give you the answers is the best way to go. Surely some widow's want to get rid of everything as soon as possible and this is fine too but if you doubt even a bit, take a time out and see how things develop. I personally didn't move a thing for months and when I did, I felt really strong urge to do so. Else I did nothing. I also bought a camera and took pictures of my home and the things the way they were when my husband died. I wanted to have the option to return to that time should I ever want to do so.

Allow yourself options. I did. I also reserved the right for myself and others to cancel any agreed lunches, walks etc even at the last minute because I could not be sure I how felt when the time came. I did keep some agreed things and others I simply had to cancel due to my state of mind at the moment. If you say this in advance, people in general will understand and not get offended which they easily can do too.

The stuff around you is yours now and no-one has the right to take any of it nor tell you what to do with them. There can be people that come to you claiming something is theirs or that your late husband/wife promised them something or owe them money. If it's not properly documented, this is never the case and you do not have to "honour" any of these claims. Unfortunately some people do this and not everyone is good and kind. Anything you have is really now yours and if someone even politely asks you to give them say tools, just say that you will use them at some point even if you don't. My BIL asked for my husbands power-drill and I simply smiled to him and said: "yeah! can you imagine how good tools I have these days! I have a power-drill of my own now!!!!" Never asked for it again

Your finances are private. Do not discuss those with anyone unless you really trust them. Blunt people will ask about life insurances and other such things and it is not their business. Period! There are people who may try to take an advantage on financial level on a person who has been hit with this immense tragedy. You can reply with "That's a private matter", "Can we talk about something else, please" or just with a silence and a puzzled look. Also on the phone. EC adviced in the original thread that if someone asks about your finances over the phone, just stay silent until they break it and when they do just say "I got to run now. Talk to you later" and hang up.
I really appreciate the links, Janellen. Thanks for sharing them. Everything feels so surreal to me but reality is starting to set in now. It's a dark place.

I feel like I have died too. At least my life, as I knew it is over. I can't even visualize what my life will be like going forward. It's feels like my skin has been ripped off.
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Old 03-03-2018, 01:50 PM
Location: Polynesia
2,141 posts, read 1,106,465 times
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Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
I am very sorry to hear of your devastating loss, butterflyfish.
Thank you, tamiznluv.
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Old 03-03-2018, 01:52 PM
Location: Polynesia
2,141 posts, read 1,106,465 times
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Originally Posted by hickoryfan View Post
I'm sorry for your lost OP. A lot of pages have been written about your pain. Sometimes, we really don't know how to lift someone up or how to be there for each other. Again, I'm sorry.
Thank you, hickoryfan.
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Old 03-03-2018, 06:28 PM
Location: Philadelphia/South Jersey area
2,280 posts, read 1,036,462 times
Reputation: 7554
Originally Posted by Butterflyfish View Post
My husband died suddenly in front of my eyes. I tried but could not revive him and by the time the ambulance came, he was gone. He was in his late 50s. He was a loving husband and hardworking businessman. He was excited about our future together.

I am lost, broken and so full of despair I cant breathe. I can't imagine life without him. We were so happy and completely in love and devoted to each other. I hate facing the world without him.

Friends and family have surrounded me. They are doing their best to help me and I'm grateful for them. But there isn't really anything they can do. They keep telling me that I am strong, and everything will be okay. But they are wrong. It's not going to be okay. I am not strong. Not at all.

The pain of going through life without my husband is more than I can bear.
aaw sweetie. believe when I say I know your pain. I too lost my husband suddenly at 52. It sucks. sending you a lot of prayers.
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Old 03-03-2018, 06:40 PM
530 posts, read 313,527 times
Reputation: 348
To lose a soulmate as suddenly as you did is the most heart-wrenching experience that any human can suffer, butterflyfish. So sorry.

But I want you to be happy again. Your life is too precious to suffer for too long. So you have to be selfish sometimes and think of regaining your happiness.

Your husband was a Prince of a man, but you Butterflyfish are a Princess of a woman. So I'm sure there's another man out there who can love you as much as your husband did. So seek him out. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
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Old 03-04-2018, 11:57 AM
Location: Middle of the ocean
27,476 posts, read 17,629,902 times
Reputation: 39936
We here for you. Sure a bunch of internet strangers, but sometimes anonymity can be therapeutic.
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Old 03-05-2018, 10:58 AM
Location: Polynesia
2,141 posts, read 1,106,465 times
Reputation: 3677
Thank you so much, Mikala43.
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Old 03-05-2018, 01:48 PM
5,706 posts, read 12,818,347 times
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I lost my best friend and love of my life suddenly nine months ago. Life has changed so much and I've had to push and push to get out and on with the challenges of life alone. I am not interested in finding another husband. I know that for myself. For you it might be different. I have joined a senior group where I have found friends and activities that force me to get out of the house and socialize. That is very important. Thankfully the organization is active and affords many various opportunities. I don't expect to find a best girlfriend (my friend died 5 years ago after being friends for 55 years) but I go to lunch with a few ladies, aerobics, strength training and volunteer my time there.

He did everything for me and handle so many of the everyday chores, so it has definitely been a learning experience. I am blessed with great neighbors who have helped me deal with the cleaning out, take care of things I couldn't and teach me to do the things I could.

Grief is personal for everyone. There is no set time. I have wonderful memories and signs he is around me which help my pain. Wishing you peace and love.
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Old 03-05-2018, 02:54 PM
Location: State of Denial
1,664 posts, read 770,645 times
Reputation: 8531
Butterflyfish, I can only tell you that it will get better. How much better, who knows? But time will start to "blur the edges" and you'll be able to breath a little better each day.

I lost my husband suddenly, too. He was there one minute and the next minute he wasn't. He died instantly of a heart attack at the age of 60. On one hand I'm glad he didn't suffer for a long time like I have seen other people do and on the other hand, I wish my last moments with him hadn't been spent pounding on his chest, breathing into his mouth and screaming "BREATHE!" at him. We had been married 38 years.

Like you, I was surrounded by friends and family and like you, I was adrift without a rudder. But one day, I realized that I was still alive and I had to start living again. When the time comes, and you'll KNOW that it's time, you have to put one foot in front of the other and walk on.

Be kind to yourself, Butterflyfish, and know that it WILL get better.
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