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Old 03-05-2018, 09:31 PM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,140 posts, read 1,105,988 times
Reputation: 3677

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellwood View Post
I lost my best friend and love of my life suddenly nine months ago. Life has changed so much and I've had to push and push to get out and on with the challenges of life alone. I am not interested in finding another husband. I know that for myself. For you it might be different. I have joined a senior group where I have found friends and activities that force me to get out of the house and socialize. That is very important. Thankfully the organization is active and affords many various opportunities. I don't expect to find a best girlfriend (my friend died 5 years ago after being friends for 55 years) but I go to lunch with a few ladies, aerobics, strength training and volunteer my time there.

He did everything for me and handle so many of the everyday chores, so it has definitely been a learning experience. I am blessed with great neighbors who have helped me deal with the cleaning out, take care of things I couldn't and teach me to do the things I could.

Grief is personal for everyone. There is no set time. I have wonderful memories and signs he is around me which help my pain. Wishing you peace and love.
Thank you for sharing, Elmwood. I'm so sorry that you lost the great love of your life, as I have. Like you, I depended on my husband for so much. He always put me first and spoiled me. He was the greatest man I know and no one could ever fill his shoes. That I know for sure.

Thanks again for sharing, I wish you all the best on your journey.
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Old 03-05-2018, 09:40 PM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,140 posts, read 1,105,988 times
Reputation: 3677
Quote:
Originally Posted by jamary1 View Post
Butterflyfish, I can only tell you that it will get better. How much better, who knows? But time will start to "blur the edges" and you'll be able to breath a little better each day.


I lost my husband suddenly, too. He was there one minute and the next minute he wasn't. He died instantly of a heart attack at the age of 60. On one hand I'm glad he didn't suffer for a long time like I have seen other people do and on the other hand, I wish my last moments with him hadn't been spent pounding on his chest, breathing into his mouth and screaming "BREATHE!" at him. We had been married 38 years.


Like you, I was surrounded by friends and family and like you, I was adrift without a rudder. But one day, I realized that I was still alive and I had to start living again. When the time comes, and you'll KNOW that it's time, you have to put one foot in front of the other and walk on.


Be kind to yourself, Butterflyfish, and know that it WILL get better.
Your post brought tears, jamary1. Because the last moments you spent with your husband is similar to mine. It haunts me.
As I was pounding on his chest, yelling at him, we made eye contact. I saw fear in his eyes and they were pleading to me "Help".
But I couldn't help him. I tried but failed.
I can't get the image of our last eye contact out of my mind. His passing was not peaceful. He didn't want to die, he wasn't ready. I can't accept that it was really his time to go. It was terrifying.
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Old 03-05-2018, 09:54 PM
 
7,694 posts, read 12,838,929 times
Reputation: 9599
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyfish View Post
Your post brought tears, jamary1. Because the last moments you spent with your husband is similar to mine. It haunts me.
As I was pounding on his chest, yelling at him, we made eye contact. I saw fear in his eyes and they were pleading to me "Help".
But I couldn't help him. I tried but failed.
I can't get the image of our last eye contact out of my mind. His passing was not peaceful. He didn't want to die, he wasn't ready. I can't accept that it was really his time to go. It was terrifying.
Those last moments haunted me also for a long time. My husband was in the ICU but his eyes were also pleading "help"

I can say though that finally 7 years later I only think of the good times. Journaling helped me because I could write page after page expressing all those raw emotions. If I was mad at the world I could write out all that I was feeling.
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Old 03-05-2018, 10:29 PM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,140 posts, read 1,105,988 times
Reputation: 3677
Quote:
Originally Posted by kelly237 View Post
Those last moments haunted me also for a long time. My husband was in the ICU but his eyes were also pleading "help"

I can say though that finally 7 years later I only think of the good times. Journaling helped me because I could write page after page expressing all those raw emotions. If I was mad at the world I could write out all that I was feeling.
I'm sorry you went through that kelly237. I should start a journal, it would probably do me some good to get it all out.
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Old 03-05-2018, 10:34 PM
 
7,694 posts, read 12,838,929 times
Reputation: 9599
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyfish View Post
I'm sorry you went through that kelly237. I should start a journal, it would probably do me some good to get it all out.
sending you a PMessage
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Old 03-26-2018, 08:15 PM
 
635 posts, read 395,236 times
Reputation: 1762
I'm a little late in responding but I just returned to City Data after a long break. I am also a widow and shared my story here on CD.

My husband died in an accident almost 2 years ago at the age of 42 and left me alone to care for our 2 year old daughter. Of course I was devastated and I lost my mind for a time after.

I'm much better now then I was 2 years ago so the pain does ease some thankfully but after losing that kind of love a person never truly gets over it.

You will learn to smile again and find moments of real happiness and eventually find hope again.

It doesn't feel like it now and I still have moments where a wave of grief will hit me out of nowhere & I feel that intense pain like I did in the beginning but that pain passes and those moments have become fewer and fewer.

It's cliche but time really does make things better. Go easy on yourself, stay in the moment, try not to think too far in the future or get stuck in the past.

Keep life simple for now, drink plenty of water, eat little meals, sleep when you can, go outside and walk if you feel like it, talk about him if you want, be around people that love you, be alone if you want, write down your feelings and accept help when offered.

It's a long hard painful journey we're on but we are strong not because people say we are but because we have willed ourselves to be. We are part of a group that no one can understand until it's their turn.

It will get better. I never believed I would survive my husband's death but here I am almost 2 years later raising a 3 1/2 year old on my own. I'm exhausted, I'm overwhelmed but I'm grateful to be alive and I'm grateful to have been married to my amazing husband for almost 13 years.
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Old 03-26-2018, 10:36 PM
 
3,962 posts, read 5,247,246 times
Reputation: 4549
Cookies, I am so glad that you are doing OK. I think your advice is good. My experience is, like yours, that we do have times that the grief comes back to us. But because we have experienced it, we know it will abate again. So we just bear with the pain for a while. You are right - it does decrease. Now 3.5 years out from my loss, I have fewer of those incidents, and I find that I am more and more feeling that I will be able to live pretty happily by myself. But I do miss my husband every day, and I imagine that will continue. I thank you for encouraging others who are now going through the experience. I think that those of us who survive have a special knowledge that can sometimes help others, and we can be a blessing to them if we use our experience in this way. So thank you for turning your pain and struggle into something positive. My prayers go out to you and all who have experienced deep grief.
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Old 03-27-2018, 12:59 AM
 
Location: Florida Gulf Coast
4,083 posts, read 5,496,975 times
Reputation: 6407
Butterflyfish, I am not on this forum often but your post caught my eye. I am so, so sorry for your devastating loss. I know everyone brings up their own story and maybe it helps to know how others have gotten through similar situations. My cousin lost her 13-year-old son the same way (asthma attack), right in front of her. For a long time afterward, I was afraid she might commit suicide. Every time I called her, her voice was flat. I thought she would never again find a reason to smile. But eventually, and with the help of a support group, she did. Of course, there is not a day that goes by she doesn't think of her son...but her life went on and she was able to find joy in other things. Just wanted to let you know....it may not feel like it now, but there is hope.
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Old 03-27-2018, 01:58 AM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,140 posts, read 1,105,988 times
Reputation: 3677
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
I'm a little late in responding but I just returned to City Data after a long break. I am also a widow and shared my story here on CD.

My husband died in an accident almost 2 years ago at the age of 42 and left me alone to care for our 2 year old daughter. Of course I was devastated and I lost my mind for a time after.

I'm much better now then I was 2 years ago so the pain does ease some thankfully but after losing that kind of love a person never truly gets over it.

You will learn to smile again and find moments of real happiness and eventually find hope again.

It doesn't feel like it now and I still have moments where a wave of grief will hit me out of nowhere & I feel that intense pain like I did in the beginning but that pain passes and those moments have become fewer and fewer.

It's cliche but time really does make things better. Go easy on yourself, stay in the moment, try not to think too far in the future or get stuck in the past.

Keep life simple for now, drink plenty of water, eat little meals, sleep when you can, go outside and walk if you feel like it, talk about him if you want, be around people that love you, be alone if you want, write down your feelings and accept help when offered.

It's a long hard painful journey we're on but we are strong not because people say we are but because we have willed ourselves to be. We are part of a group that no one can understand until it's their turn.

It will get better. I never believed I would survive my husband's death but here I am almost 2 years later raising a 3 1/2 year old on my own. I'm exhausted, I'm overwhelmed but I'm grateful to be alive and I'm grateful to have been married to my amazing husband for almost 13 years.
Melovescookies, thank you so much for your post; for sharing your story and for your encouragement. I need it. I have never felt such intense despair and emptiness, there are moments when I don't care if I live or die.

But then my mind comes back around to a place of gratitude for the time we had together and for the good things in my life like my family and friends. I have good health. I am luckier than many people and I will get through this. I don't know how but I will.
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Old 03-27-2018, 02:05 AM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,140 posts, read 1,105,988 times
Reputation: 3677
Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
Cookies, I am so glad that you are doing OK. I think your advice is good. My experience is, like yours, that we do have times that the grief comes back to us. But because we have experienced it, we know it will abate again. So we just bear with the pain for a while. You are right - it does decrease. Now 3.5 years out from my loss, I have fewer of those incidents, and I find that I am more and more feeling that I will be able to live pretty happily by myself. But I do miss my husband every day, and I imagine that will continue. I thank you for encouraging others who are now going through the experience. I think that those of us who survive have a special knowledge that can sometimes help others, and we can be a blessing to them if we use our experience in this way. So thank you for turning your pain and struggle into something positive. My prayers go out to you and all who have experienced deep grief.
I find it comforting to hear about the journey that others have been on, and how they have found a way to rebuild a new life after a terrible loss. A journey no one asked to go on.
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