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Old 03-27-2018, 02:12 AM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,145 posts, read 1,107,139 times
Reputation: 3677

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Avalon08 View Post
Butterflyfish, I am not on this forum often but your post caught my eye. I am so, so sorry for your devastating loss. I know everyone brings up their own story and maybe it helps to know how others have gotten through similar situations. My cousin lost her 13-year-old son the same way (asthma attack), right in front of her. For a long time afterward, I was afraid she might commit suicide. Every time I called her, her voice was flat. I thought she would never again find a reason to smile. But eventually, and with the help of a support group, she did. Of course, there is not a day that goes by she doesn't think of her son...but her life went on and she was able to find joy in other things. Just wanted to let you know....it may not feel like it now, but there is hope.
How kind of you to post Avalon08. I really appreciate it. There are some truly caring people out here in the digital universe, it touches me that so many strangers have reached out to comfort me. Thank you.
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Old 06-26-2018, 12:03 AM
 
5,703 posts, read 15,489,422 times
Reputation: 8514
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyfish View Post
My husband died suddenly in front of my eyes. I tried but could not revive him and by the time the ambulance came, he was gone. He was in his late 50s. He was a loving husband and hardworking businessman. He was excited about our future together.

I am lost, broken and so full of despair I cant breathe. I can't imagine life without him. We were so happy and completely in love and devoted to each other. I hate facing the world without him.

Friends and family have surrounded me. They are doing their best to help me and I'm grateful for them. But there isn't really anything they can do. They keep telling me that I am strong, and everything will be okay. But they are wrong. It's not going to be okay. I am not strong. Not at all.

The pain of going through life without my husband is more than I can bear.
I cried when I read this as I just lost my husband a little over a week ago. His death was unexpected as well. I don't know how I'm going to do all of this. Your words are mine. I am broken. We were together for over 25 yrs. He was 57, healthy and working out 5 days a week and played golf once a week. He was going to the gym after work and pick up a pizza on the way home. We were going to go over estimates we had gotten for new windows.

When I got a call from his cell phone, I was shocked to hear a man on the other end explain that he was a Dr. in the ER and was trying to save my husband but it didn't look like he was going to make it. I thought it was some sort of sick joke. My husband had stopped at a local pharmacy to pick up allergy meds and had a massive heart attack in the parking lot. He was my rock and I can't believe he is gone.
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Old 06-26-2018, 01:27 AM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,249,971 times
Reputation: 4554
Fallingwater, I am really sorry to read about your sudden loss of your husband. I hope some of what you have read on the thread started by Butterflyfish will be helpful to you, but I also know that when the loss is so recent, nothing really seems to help. Nothing can change the fact of the loss. I hope you know that others have experienced great losses, too, and we are with you in spirit as you begin this very difficult road.

We haven't heard from Butterflyfish for three months. (No one is obligated to keep writing here, but it would be nice to read how things are going.) I hope that she is being supported as she goes through this, and that she is feeling her strength at least a bit. I hope that little glimmers of beauty are appearing.
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Old 06-26-2018, 07:23 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,851 posts, read 51,335,478 times
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I'm so sorry, fallingwater. Support is here if you need it, reading various threads may offer you context and suggestions. So much of the initial experience involves just allowing yourself to be, and feeling the emotions and body language that come forth.
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Old 06-26-2018, 03:51 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,438 posts, read 18,150,188 times
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Fallingwater, I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

Butterflyfish, I hope you are okay.
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Old 06-26-2018, 05:03 PM
 
5,706 posts, read 12,824,018 times
Reputation: 9008
Quote:
Originally Posted by fallingwater View Post
I cried when I read this as I just lost my husband a little over a week ago. His death was unexpected as well. I don't know how I'm going to do all of this. Your words are mine. I am broken. We were together for over 25 yrs. He was 57, healthy and working out 5 days a week and played golf once a week. He was going to the gym after work and pick up a pizza on the way home. We were going to go over estimates we had gotten for new windows.

When I got a call from his cell phone, I was shocked to hear a man on the other end explain that he was a Dr. in the ER and was trying to save my husband but it didn't look like he was going to make it. I thought it was some sort of sick joke. My husband had stopped at a local pharmacy to pick up allergy meds and had a massive heart attack in the parking lot. He was my rock and I can't believe he is gone.
So sorry for your loss. My hearts goes out to you. I lost my husband a year ago suddenly and it has been a difficult year for me. I am so lonely without him; he was my best friend and the love of my life. Try to keep busy and let the tears come. Have a plan for every day, sometimes taking it a minute at a time. There is no time limit on grieving.
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Old 06-26-2018, 05:22 PM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,145 posts, read 1,107,139 times
Reputation: 3677
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
Fallingwater, I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

Butterflyfish, I hope you are okay.
tamiznluv, thank you so much for checking up on me. I am still here and managing okay. I actually check the "Grief and Mourning" thread regularly but just have not posted an update. I'm busy dealing with all the details and work there is to do when someone dies unexpectedly and without preparation; selling his things and going through the probate process, etc. Things have been very messy and chaotic, especially with my husband's business and with his business partner, who is not doing right by me. I'm now forced to get my attorney involved, unfortunately. It's been stressful and hurtful on top of everything else.

I'm heartbroken and sob my eyes out on a regular basis, but not every day. It still doesn't seem real to me to be honest, although I know that it is. It feels like a bad dream, and I just can't quite accept that he's gone forever.

I have days where I just don't care about anything and don't even want to go on... but I stop myself. I remind myself that people love me and also how hard some people fight for their lives every day, people who are battling cancer and other challenges that I can't even imagine. Despite the hard time I am having right now, I do have things to be grateful for and things to look forward to.

I am thankful that I have friends and family to love and who love me in return. I have to find my way, and rebuild a new life for myself. That is what my husband would want me to do. And so I get out of bed every day, and I tackle my to-do list, which thankfully is always a long list that completely exhaust me so much that I collapse into bed each evening. Sleeping is a welcome relief and I hate waking up in the morning, but I will get through it and perhaps some day I will look forward to a new day.
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Old 06-26-2018, 10:12 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale
905 posts, read 406,869 times
Reputation: 1620
Quote:
Originally Posted by fallingwater View Post
I cried when I read this as I just lost my husband a little over a week ago. His death was unexpected as well. I don't know how I'm going to do all of this. Your words are mine. I am broken. We were together for over 25 yrs. He was 57, healthy and working out 5 days a week and played golf once a week. He was going to the gym after work and pick up a pizza on the way home. We were going to go over estimates we had gotten for new windows.

When I got a call from his cell phone, I was shocked to hear a man on the other end explain that he was a Dr. in the ER and was trying to save my husband but it didn't look like he was going to make it. I thought it was some sort of sick joke. My husband had stopped at a local pharmacy to pick up allergy meds and had a massive heart attack in the parking lot. He was my rock and I can't believe he is gone.
My condolensces on this difficult time. Grief is hard.

My view is that your husband lived a relatively long life and should be remembered for his long-term commitment. He lived into relative old age.

By contrast, I studied the effects of Agent Orange in the Vietnam War. I learned there were many young wives with children who lost their husbands during that war. The men were very young and in their primes.
https://www.pbs.org/video/national-m...memorial-wall/

At least in your case your husband lived into relative old age successfully. But the death was sudden and unexpected, so friends and family are needed to help with grief. I hope you are able to find the support you need in this diffult time.

In the early days of the Vietnam War (1965) the notification of deceased to next of kin was by a cold telegram. That changed after the widows complained of the emotionless way of expressing such a loss.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VglR1HaNlV8
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Old 06-26-2018, 11:06 PM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,249,971 times
Reputation: 4554
Quote:
Originally Posted by grad_student200 View Post
My condolensces on this difficult time. Grief is hard.

My view is that your husband lived a relatively long life and should be remembered for his long-term commitment. He lived into relative old age.
I know you are trying to be kind, but this is really an awful thing to say to a newly grieving wife of a 57 year old. If you are young, you may not realize that 57 is not an old age. For this widow, it was not nearly old enough. Her loss is not less because her husband was not 25. Everyone who loses a spouse has their own special grief. A 25 year old may have lost the potential for a lot of living, but the 57 year old wife loses many memories, planned time together, years of emotional investment in the relationship, in their life together. These losses are DIFFERENT, but one is not less than the other. In short, we should NEVER compare one person's loss to another. It is dehumanizing. There is no kindness in it.

When my husband died, a friend of mine who had been divorced early in life and never remarried told me that I was lucky because I had true love for many years (my husband died at 65.) Now, years later, I can see that she was right. But at the time, when my grief was raw, when living meant only pain, when I looked out on the future and saw only sadness, grief and loneliness, her statement was like a slap in the face to me. I did not feel lucky.

My point is not only that we should not compare, but that some comments are not approriate for someone living in the shock, disorientation, and agony of a new loss.
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Old 06-27-2018, 01:06 AM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,145 posts, read 1,107,139 times
Reputation: 3677
Quote:
Originally Posted by fallingwater View Post
I cried when I read this as I just lost my husband a little over a week ago. His death was unexpected as well. I don't know how I'm going to do all of this. Your words are mine. I am broken. We were together for over 25 yrs. He was 57, healthy and working out 5 days a week and played golf once a week. He was going to the gym after work and pick up a pizza on the way home. We were going to go over estimates we had gotten for new windows.

When I got a call from his cell phone, I was shocked to hear a man on the other end explain that he was a Dr. in the ER and was trying to save my husband but it didn't look like he was going to make it. I thought it was some sort of sick joke. My husband had stopped at a local pharmacy to pick up allergy meds and had a massive heart attack in the parking lot. He was my rock and I can't believe he is gone.
Oh fallingwater, I somehow missed your post until just now. My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Do you have people there to be with you?

I wish I knew what to say to help lesson the pain. Be gentle with yourself, take things one day at a time or one hour at a time.
Please feel free to direct message me if you need to talk to someone. I am a good listener.

My thoughts are with you. You are not alone.
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