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Old 06-27-2018, 01:16 AM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,135 posts, read 1,085,856 times
Reputation: 3647

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My husband had just turned 57 a few days before he died. He was strong, physically fit and active up until his last moments. We had so many plans. 57 is young.
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Old 06-28-2018, 09:18 AM
 
5,703 posts, read 15,361,247 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
I know you are trying to be kind, but this is really an awful thing to say to a newly grieving wife of a 57 year old. If you are young, you may not realize that 57 is not an old age. For this widow, it was not nearly old enough. Her loss is not less because her husband was not 25. Everyone who loses a spouse has their own special grief. A 25 year old may have lost the potential for a lot of living, but the 57 year old wife loses many memories, planned time together, years of emotional investment in the relationship, in their life together. These losses are DIFFERENT, but one is not less than the other. In short, we should NEVER compare one person's loss to another. It is dehumanizing. There is no kindness in it.

When my husband died, a friend of mine who had been divorced early in life and never remarried told me that I was lucky because I had true love for many years (my husband died at 65.) Now, years later, I can see that she was right. But at the time, when my grief was raw, when living meant only pain, when I looked out on the future and saw only sadness, grief and loneliness, her statement was like a slap in the face to me. I did not feel lucky.

My point is not only that we should not compare, but that some comments are not approriate for someone living in the shock, disorientation, and agony of a new loss.
Thank you. I wasn't sure how to respond to that post.
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Old 06-28-2018, 01:02 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,091 posts, read 17,938,923 times
Reputation: 18393
You are so welcome, butterflyfish. Thank you for letting us know how you are doing. Sorry to hear about the partner pulling monkey business. Glad to hear you come by to read us although there isn't much to read most of the time unless someone is in need. You take care.

GG, nice response to a horrible post. Some people have no clue.

Butterfly and falling, by "our" standards, both of your hubbies were young! IMO 80's is the new old.
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Old 07-19-2018, 11:11 PM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,135 posts, read 1,085,856 times
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I am missing my husband desperately. I am keeping busy. I get up every day and go to work and get through my to-do list. I make pleasant small talk with the people around me. At the end of every day I congratulate myself for making it through another day. But I am just going through the motions.

I don't feel like myself. It is as if the person that I used to be has vanished along with my husband. I feel adrift and rudderless.

I don't know how to explain it but I feel like my brain is different now. Like some wiring has changed. I feel so different. I feel detached from the world, almost as if everything is happening around me, but I am not part if it. I don't know who I am anymore.
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Old 07-20-2018, 02:26 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,714 posts, read 50,810,593 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyfish View Post
I am missing my husband desperately. I am keeping busy. I get up every day and go to work and get through my to-do list. I make pleasant small talk with the people around me. At the end of every day I congratulate myself for making it through another day. But I am just going through the motions.

I don't feel like myself. It is as if the person that I used to be has vanished along with my husband. I feel adrift and rudderless.

I don't know how to explain it but I feel like my brain is different now. Like some wiring has changed. I feel so different. I feel detached from the world, almost as if everything is happening around me, but I am not part if it. I don't know who I am anymore.
You give an excellent description of something many of us experience. I wonder if a certain amount of detachment may be part of re-assessing the world and how we fit and even who we are after loss of a mate. Is it possible that the "new" you is a combining of the old you plus the important values of your husband and the relationship you had, now entrusted to you to go forward?

Please don't be afraid to talk with your husband as if he was beside you. It can be a help, and may help in developing the new rudder that affirms your values. I wish you peace.
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Old 07-20-2018, 10:01 PM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,135 posts, read 1,085,856 times
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Thank you harry chickpea. Your reply made me cry and I have been weepy all day. I do talk to my husband, but I don't know that it is helpful. I'm usually just asking him "Why did you have to leave me"? He can't hear me anyway.
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Old 07-20-2018, 10:06 PM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,135 posts, read 1,085,856 times
Reputation: 3647
Last week I sat behind two older women on a train. I overheard parts of their conversation and learned that one woman had recently lost her husband. She was telling her friend about all the things she was doing (things she and her husband had planned to do together). She seemed to be in a much better emotional place than I am. I was inspired by her strength for a day or two, but that seems to have passed and now I am back where I was, full of grief and sorrow.

I am so lonely for my husband. I can't stand it. I feel so lost and alone.
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Old 07-20-2018, 11:15 PM
 
7,652 posts, read 12,739,637 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyfish View Post
Last week I sat behind two older women on a train. I overheard parts of their conversation and learned that one woman had recently lost her husband. She was telling her friend about all the things she was doing (things she and her husband had planned to do together). She seemed to be in a much better emotional place than I am. I was inspired by her strength for a day or two, but that seems to have passed and now I am back where I was, full of grief and sorrow.

I am so lonely for my husband. I can't stand it. I feel so lost and alone.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Someone told me to do this soon after my husband died.

They told me to brainstorm and make a list of
all the things I enjoyed (before the grief hit) and start intentionally doing them. The idea was that
even though I would not "enjoy" them the same way , those things would begin to restore my heart little by little. Like salve for a broken heart.
Simple things like feeding the birds, a favorite movie, a day trip, a walk, a bubble bath, playing with a baby and such.
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Old 07-21-2018, 12:16 AM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,135 posts, read 1,085,856 times
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kelly237, that is wise advice, thank you. I have stopped doing all the things I used to enjoy doing. I know I need to make more of an effort.
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Old 07-21-2018, 12:21 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,714 posts, read 50,810,593 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyfish View Post
Thank you harry chickpea. Your reply made me cry and I have been weepy all day. I do talk to my husband, but I don't know that it is helpful. I'm usually just asking him "Why did you have to leave me"? He can't hear me anyway.
Perhaps that is the wrong question. It comes from your place of pain, and the pain is real, but does it honor you, him, or your love? Might you instead strengthen your bond with him more by thanking him for the time you had together, his choosing you, and the love you had that continues - even in pain? Try asking for help or guidance instead, but without being directive or time oriented.
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