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Old 07-26-2018, 06:58 PM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
27,504 posts, read 17,642,239 times
Reputation: 39974

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You made me think about the rewired brain some more - mine really did change, and not all of it wore off even though it's been 10 years.

For me, I think it was a form of shock. There was no illness to help you prepare for the on coming death, no 7 stages to go through before hand. A 43 year old man walked out the door... and never came back.

When I got the phone call I literally felt? Envisioned? steel vault doors closing in my brain. So much of it was weird..... during the first few months when I was left alone I would sweep or pluck my eyebrows.... those were the only two things that I would want to do. Not sure how I didn't pluck them completely off... Through the whole thing I felt I had a "little" me, perched on my shoulder that was the undamaged part of my mind that would comment on my behavior. It was the only part of me that wasn't hurting. "You are drinking too much wine, but under the circumstances it's understandable... but you have to watch that."

I would do anything when asked, lunch, going out, movies.... everything sucked, I wanted to do nothing, but nothing would suck too. I couldn't move his things, a cup stayed on the end table for about 6 months... One time the grief welled up so strong.... I felt like my psyche was breaking apart, and that little voice on my shoulder telling me to pull back...

I probably have a little more crazy in me than you do.

I so wish I had some wise advice that would ease your pain. This stuff ain't for sissies.
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Old 07-27-2018, 09:35 PM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,143 posts, read 1,107,139 times
Reputation: 3677
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I lost my husband of 40 years (best friend for 48 years) seven months ago.

For me, while it is difficult at times, sometimes it brings sadness AND happy memories to go to the places that I went with my husband. And, as I visit the places again there are less and less sad memories and more and more happy memories.

Maybe you could try watching a sunset one night, perhaps just start by opening your shades a little wider each night. Yes, you probably will cry a lot that first night and probably the second night and maybe the third night or even many nights. But, I suspect that you will start to cry less and remember your happy memories more and more each time.

I predict that someday you will be able to sit on the beach, during sunset, and be enveloped with the love that the two of you shared and not the sadness of his passing.

Best wishes to you.
Thank you germaine2626. I will take your advice one day soon. Not today, but one day. I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you
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Old 07-27-2018, 09:37 PM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,143 posts, read 1,107,139 times
Reputation: 3677
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
You made me think about the rewired brain some more - mine really did change, and not all of it wore off even though it's been 10 years.

For me, I think it was a form of shock. There was no illness to help you prepare for the on coming death, no 7 stages to go through before hand. A 43 year old man walked out the door... and never came back.

When I got the phone call I literally felt? Envisioned? steel vault doors closing in my brain. So much of it was weird..... during the first few months when I was left alone I would sweep or pluck my eyebrows.... those were the only two things that I would want to do. Not sure how I didn't pluck them completely off... Through the whole thing I felt I had a "little" me, perched on my shoulder that was the undamaged part of my mind that would comment on my behavior. It was the only part of me that wasn't hurting. "You are drinking too much wine, but under the circumstances it's understandable... but you have to watch that."

I would do anything when asked, lunch, going out, movies.... everything sucked, I wanted to do nothing, but nothing would suck too. I couldn't move his things, a cup stayed on the end table for about 6 months... One time the grief welled up so strong.... I felt like my psyche was breaking apart, and that little voice on my shoulder telling me to pull back...

I probably have a little more crazy in me than you do.

I so wish I had some wise advice that would ease your pain. This stuff ain't for sissies.
Thanks Mikala43. I find it comforting to hear from others who have been through it and survived. It makes me feel less alone. Take care.
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Old 07-27-2018, 09:40 PM
 
Location: Southwest
670 posts, read 565,301 times
Reputation: 728
Default Condolences

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyfish View Post
My husband died suddenly in front of my eyes.

The pain of going through life without my husband is more than I can bear.
Iím so very sorry.
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Old 08-03-2018, 07:35 PM
 
Location: Charleston, SC
1,025 posts, read 1,834,491 times
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My sister lost her husband 2.5 years ago after a long 2 year battle with cancer. He was 56. Even though she had time to prepare for his death, when it did happen, it didn't matter that she had the time to mentally prepare for it. The grief was all too consuming for her and she still struggles 2.5 years later. She describes herself as different and living a new normal. The tears don't fall every day but she feels the absence of him in the world every second. She was so angry with God for taking him that she stopped praying and going to church. Over the last 6 months she has returned to church and has met some wonderful people there to help her through her grief and despair. Friends and family have also helped but she always tells me that she'll never be the same. She says that grief is love lost forever. I can see an improvement in her even though she doesn't see it. We can laugh and go out and enjoy good times together again. It's a long process of recovery when it's an immeasurable loss. I am sending my prayers and positive vibes to you and just want you to take each day at a time and try not to figure out how you will live the rest of your life without him. Just get through one day...each and every day. Don't be too hard on yourself when you have bad days..it's normal. Sending you a big hug!
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Old 08-03-2018, 11:01 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,438 posts, read 18,150,188 times
Reputation: 18819
AMEN, Pattig.
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Old 08-03-2018, 11:36 PM
 
7,695 posts, read 12,845,131 times
Reputation: 9599
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pattig View Post
My sister lost her husband 2.5 years ago after a long 2 year battle with cancer. He was 56. Even though she had time to prepare for his death, when it did happen, it didn't matter that she had the time to mentally prepare for it. The grief was all too consuming for her and she still struggles 2.5 years later. She describes herself as different and living a new normal. The tears don't fall every day but she feels the absence of him in the world every second. She was so angry with God for taking him that she stopped praying and going to church. Over the last 6 months she has returned to church and has met some wonderful people there to help her through her grief and despair. Friends and family have also helped but she always tells me that she'll never be the same. She says that grief is love lost forever. I can see an improvement in her even though she doesn't see it. We can laugh and go out and enjoy good times together again. It's a long process of recovery when it's an immeasurable loss. I am sending my prayers and positive vibes to you and just want you to take each day at a time and try not to figure out how you will live the rest of your life without him. Just get through one day...each and every day. Don't be too hard on yourself when you have bad days..it's normal. Sending you a big hug!
I agree that mentally preparing does not really prepare you for the grief of losing a spouse. I thought that
I would deal much better than I did. It took almost 4 years before I would say that I was past the grief stage.
8 years later I am still trying to find my way back to church.
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Old 08-04-2018, 12:38 AM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,143 posts, read 1,107,139 times
Reputation: 3677
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pattig View Post
My sister lost her husband 2.5 years ago after a long 2 year battle with cancer. He was 56. Even though she had time to prepare for his death, when it did happen, it didn't matter that she had the time to mentally prepare for it. The grief was all too consuming for her and she still struggles 2.5 years later. She describes herself as different and living a new normal. The tears don't fall every day but she feels the absence of him in the world every second. She was so angry with God for taking him that she stopped praying and going to church. Over the last 6 months she has returned to church and has met some wonderful people there to help her through her grief and despair. Friends and family have also helped but she always tells me that she'll never be the same. She says that grief is love lost forever. I can see an improvement in her even though she doesn't see it. We can laugh and go out and enjoy good times together again. It's a long process of recovery when it's an immeasurable loss. I am sending my prayers and positive vibes to you and just want you to take each day at a time and try not to figure out how you will live the rest of your life without him. Just get through one day...each and every day. Don't be too hard on yourself when you have bad days..it's normal. Sending you a big hug!
Thank you, Part if. Your sister is lucky to have you and your support. I wish her well.
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Old 08-04-2018, 11:31 AM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,249,971 times
Reputation: 4554
Quote:
Originally Posted by kelly237 View Post
I agree that mentally preparing does not really prepare you for the grief of losing a spouse. I thought that
I would deal much better than I did. It took almost 4 years before I would say that I was past the grief stage.
8 years later I am still trying to find my way back to church.
I agree that it is not possible to prepare emotionally for such a loss. It is possible to prepare logistically (financial arrangements, learning to take on tasks he always did, etc.), but the actual death can hit you like a ton of bricks. I was told by a psychologist that this was the case. My husband and I both worked at preparing emotionally for the death, but the reality was as been described by you and by Pattig; an overwhelming, confusing, painful shock and years to regain your footing. I did not, however, lose my faith. I never blamed God, who, I think, suffered in my suffering.
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Old 08-15-2018, 06:19 PM
 
2,252 posts, read 4,312,915 times
Reputation: 3709
One of the things that I found was very difficult to deal with was that friends all rally around for a while after the passing but then they drift away back into their regular lives. They don't check in with you anymore or nearly as regularly as before. It makes you feel very isolated and alone even though you understand that people move on quickly when their own lives reclaim them while the widow/er is left behind with no life anymore as they knew it and no idea where to begin to create a new one.

Then there are the people who believe they are helping you by suggesting that you begin dating as soon as possible. "He wouldn't want you to be alone," "You need something in your life." These suggestions are not helpful. Maybe my husband would say he didn't want me to be alone, but it's not about him. It's about me.

Grocery shopping was the most difficult thing ever. I'd look into the shopping cart and see nothing that was his favorite. If I saw that his favorite cookies or ice cream was on sale, I'd cry. Right there in the market. It still happens nearly 3 years later. I still think I'm going to hear the key in the door. I never thought I'd be a widow at 50. It was sudden and out of the blue and we were together for 25 years.

The most important thing to remember is not to listen to what anyone tells you to do. Only you know what you can handle and what you cannot and the timeframe in which you can begin to try to handle it. There are no right answers.

P.S. I'm so very sorry for your loss, Butterflyfish and wish you well on this terrible path we have been pushed onto.

Last edited by cleasach; 08-15-2018 at 06:54 PM.. Reason: typo
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