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Old 02-11-2018, 04:10 PM
 
3,815 posts, read 5,083,097 times
Reputation: 4334

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyfish View Post
My husband died suddenly in front of my eyes. I tried but could not revive him and by the time the ambulance came, he was gone. He was in his late 50s. He was a loving husband and hardworking businessman. He was excited about our future together.

I am lost, broken and so full of despair I cant breathe. I can't imagine life without him. We were so happy and completely in love and devoted to each other. I hate facing the world without him.

Friends and family have surrounded me. They are doing their best to help me and I'm grateful for them. But there isn't really anything they can do. They keep telling me that I am strong, and everything will be okay. But they are wrong. It's not going to be okay. I am not strong. Not at all.

The pain of going through life without my husband is more than I can bear.
I am so sorry, Butterflyfish. That sounds traumatic. I understand that you don't feel strong. I didn't feel strong, either. You feel like the life-force has been drained out of you. Of course, your friends and family cannot make the pain go away, but they can be there to hear your pain, to just sit with you when there is nothing to say, and to listen to you when you just have to express a million things about your life with your beloved husband. I think it is really important (it was for me) to talk about him. Find a friend who is a good listener and will hear you recall your memories, your shock and horror, your fears, and will accept it all, along with your tears. You have a long, agonizing road ahead of you. Just be patient and live with your pain for now. But do take care of yourself. Eat well, get sleep if you can, and if you can't, talk to your doctor about it. Try to take a walk every day. Exercise and nature are both helpful.

When you are ready, you might be interested in a grief support group of some kind. But right at the beginning, it is probably too soon. Do what feels right to you. When I was first a widow, it gave me hope to look at all the older ladies in my church who had been widows for years, but lived vital, useful lives, even as widows. So I had this little glimmering light out there that said "If they can do it, I can do it." I know that at the beginning, the whole world is confused and black, but just hang onto whatever little hope you can find. As time goes on, you will find your strength, even though it seems absent now.

Blessings upon you.
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Old 02-11-2018, 04:27 PM
Status: "Blue Plumbagos!" (set 6 days ago)
 
1,188 posts, read 325,682 times
Reputation: 2410
Butterflyfish -- I am very sorry that this happened. It is very hard, all I can do is reach out across the miles and send a gentle hug. You will get through this, and you only need to do this one day at a time. There are people for you to talk to, both in person [maybe a local grief support group], maybe friends or loved ones, maybe someone you cross paths with every now and then....I am here if you would like to talk, and there are many kind people on these forums who also will. God bless you and keep you strong. -- Hollyhock
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Old 02-11-2018, 05:10 PM
 
6,018 posts, read 3,002,043 times
Reputation: 12134
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyfish View Post
My husband died suddenly in front of my eyes. I tried but could not revive him and by the time the ambulance came, he was gone. He was in his late 50s. He was a loving husband and hardworking businessman. He was excited about our future together.

I am lost, broken and so full of despair I cant breathe. I can't imagine life without him. We were so happy and completely in love and devoted to each other. I hate facing the world without him.

Friends and family have surrounded me. They are doing their best to help me and I'm grateful for them. But there isn't really anything they can do. They keep telling me that I am strong, and everything will be okay. But they are wrong. It's not going to be okay. I am not strong. Not at all.

The pain of going through life without my husband is more than I can bear.
Oh, my. How horrible. I cannot imagine that happening so fast, without warning. I'm so sorry.

I've experienced something similar, though not as intense. I too thought that it was unbearable. I cried myself to sleep, and cried when I awoke and saw something that reminded me. A hole in my heart. No one can fill the hole in the heart, though others are sympathetic.

It has gradually gotten better. A little bit at a time. I would say to give it a definite period of time for you to fully experience your sadness and grief. A year or whatever. Do what you find pleasant. Don't force yourself to do things just because you think it's good for you. Get whatever enjoyment you can, here and there. Go see a good movie. Walks in a park.

Then when that time period is up, then you can take stock of your life's direction and such. Just my suggestion.

There are probably grief groups online, which may help you. There might be some in your local area, as well. Just a place to go to share your grief with others going through the same thing.

I wish you well.
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Old 02-11-2018, 07:30 PM
 
4,274 posts, read 1,828,613 times
Reputation: 10892
My condolences....

And I Grant you my support in knowing that your strength will come when you accept that breaking down,curling up in a ball or weeping is natural. That's the strength .not the kind most think of or mean.but it will guide you.
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Old 02-11-2018, 08:11 PM
 
Location: Tyler, Texas
86 posts, read 28,156 times
Reputation: 489
I am so sorry, as painful as it is I am glad that you were there with him at his last moment.

You must allow yourself to grieve. Grieving is a natural process. Even intelligent animals grieve.

The first 2 years will feel as if you are never going to feel anything but grief and mourning. Then,
sloooowwwly....there will be some slight easing of your pain. You will slowly adjust and not be in
so much emotional pain. The passing of events, dates and even a glimpse or a reminder will bring
sadness. That is completely normal. Coping with such a horrible loss is a process. You will have
empathy for others that you never imagined.

Always reach out and speak to your husband. Say everything you want to say, anytime. I believe
he will hear you and know.
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Old 02-11-2018, 08:29 PM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,091 posts, read 1,026,709 times
Reputation: 3552
Quote:
Originally Posted by wasel View Post
Butterflyfish, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing a beloved spouse and to have it happen right in front of you ...wow. I have nothing to offer but a virtual hug.
I will receive with gratitude all the hugs that are offered, virtual or otherwise. Thank you so much, wasel.
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Old 02-11-2018, 08:39 PM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,091 posts, read 1,026,709 times
Reputation: 3552
Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
I am so sorry, Butterflyfish. That sounds traumatic. I understand that you don't feel strong. I didn't feel strong, either. You feel like the life-force has been drained out of you. Of course, your friends and family cannot make the pain go away, but they can be there to hear your pain, to just sit with you when there is nothing to say, and to listen to you when you just have to express a million things about your life with your beloved husband. I think it is really important (it was for me) to talk about him. Find a friend who is a good listener and will hear you recall your memories, your shock and horror, your fears, and will accept it all, along with your tears. You have a long, agonizing road ahead of you. Just be patient and live with your pain for now. But do take care of yourself. Eat well, get sleep if you can, and if you can't, talk to your doctor about it. Try to take a walk every day. Exercise and nature are both helpful.

When you are ready, you might be interested in a grief support group of some kind. But right at the beginning, it is probably too soon. Do what feels right to you. When I was first a widow, it gave me hope to look at all the older ladies in my church who had been widows for years, but lived vital, useful lives, even as widows. So I had this little glimmering light out there that said "If they can do it, I can do it." I know that at the beginning, the whole world is confused and black, but just hang onto whatever little hope you can find. As time goes on, you will find your strength, even though it seems absent now.

Blessings upon you.
I appreciate your wise words, born from the experience of someone who has been there. Yes, it feels exactly like the life force has been sucked right out of me. I am numb with grief.

I force myself out of bed each day and to walk on the beach during sunrise, as I have always done. My morning beach walks have always meant a lot to me. But even the most glorious morning feels empty now. The joy in my life is gone. The chirping of birds and crowing roosters make me weep. I feel so sad and hopeless. I don't want to be here without him.
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Old 02-11-2018, 09:44 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
21,657 posts, read 20,694,979 times
Reputation: 26408
I'm so sorry. I don't think any of us are prepared for that final moment. I have no idea how we could be.

There's no secret to being considered strong. It only involves washing, wearing clean clothes, eating something--though nothing has any taste--doing the paperwork, making the necessary calls, and mailing things.

I never felt strong. I just did the paperwork.
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Old 02-11-2018, 10:22 PM
 
6,990 posts, read 5,019,761 times
Reputation: 12876
My condolences.

Every day will be a little bit easier die you. But, it will never be the same. Hold on to the good things in your life and build on them

Get, and read, "The next place" It is for kids and adults alike. Every time a friend loses someone we send a copy
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Old 02-12-2018, 01:40 AM
 
168 posts, read 55,167 times
Reputation: 253
Butterflyfish I am so sorry for your loss, you poor thing.

My only advice is to do everything you can not to be upset. No matter what it is that changes your circumstances. These things wreak havok on the body in permanent ways. Life is short, you are important. He is not here to be important any longer. My prayers are with you. Maybe try a non denominational church or some mainstream church regarding counseling or a grief support group.
The only thing that helped me was eating right (organic, whole foods) and exercising. Also socialization even when I didn't feel up to it.

Hang in there. It's a terrible event you never get over but slowly it hurts less. Glad he didn't suffer long, especially since you loved him so much.
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