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Old 02-12-2018, 07:16 PM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,131 posts, read 1,082,838 times
Reputation: 3642

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Quote:
Originally Posted by bpollen View Post
Oh, my. How horrible. I cannot imagine that happening so fast, without warning. I'm so sorry.

I've experienced something similar, though not as intense. I too thought that it was unbearable. I cried myself to sleep, and cried when I awoke and saw something that reminded me. A hole in my heart. No one can fill the hole in the heart, though others are sympathetic.

It has gradually gotten better. A little bit at a time. I would say to give it a definite period of time for you to fully experience your sadness and grief. A year or whatever. Do what you find pleasant. Don't force yourself to do things just because you think it's good for you. Get whatever enjoyment you can, here and there. Go see a good movie. Walks in a park.

Then when that time period is up, then you can take stock of your life's direction and such. Just my suggestion.

There are probably grief groups online, which may help you. There might be some in your local area, as well. Just a place to go to share your grief with others going through the same thing.

I wish you well.
Thank you, bpollen. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been through a similar experience. Not sure that I'm ready for a grief group, perhaps later.
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Old 02-12-2018, 07:21 PM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,131 posts, read 1,082,838 times
Reputation: 3642
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
My condolences....

And I Grant you my support in knowing that your strength will come when you accept that breaking down,curling up in a ball or weeping is natural. That's the strength .not the kind most think of or mean.but it will guide you.
If breaking down is a sign of strength than I qualify. This might sound strange, but I want to feel the pain full force. I don't want to mask it with alcohol or drugs.

I broke down and took some melatonin to try to sleep. It did help me to fall asleep but only for a couple of hours.
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Old 02-12-2018, 07:25 PM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,131 posts, read 1,082,838 times
Reputation: 3642
Quote:
Originally Posted by tigermomma View Post
I am so sorry, as painful as it is I am glad that you were there with him at his last moment.

You must allow yourself to grieve. Grieving is a natural process. Even intelligent animals grieve.

The first 2 years will feel as if you are never going to feel anything but grief and mourning. Then,
sloooowwwly....there will be some slight easing of your pain. You will slowly adjust and not be in
so much emotional pain. The passing of events, dates and even a glimpse or a reminder will bring
sadness. That is completely normal. Coping with such a horrible loss is a process. You will have
empathy for others that you never imagined.

Always reach out and speak to your husband. Say everything you want to say, anytime. I believe
he will hear you and know.
Thank you, tigermomma. Yes, I know what you mean about empathy for others. I have a good friend who lost her husband several years ago and although I tried to be a good friend to her at the time, I really did not "get it" until now. I just didn't understand the pain she was going through. I get it now. I wish I didn't.
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Old 02-12-2018, 07:29 PM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,131 posts, read 1,082,838 times
Reputation: 3642
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerania View Post
I'm so sorry. I don't think any of us are prepared for that final moment. I have no idea how we could be.

There's no secret to being considered strong. It only involves washing, wearing clean clothes, eating something--though nothing has any taste--doing the paperwork, making the necessary calls, and mailing things.

I never felt strong. I just did the paperwork.
I am doing the same. My husband owned a private business with employees and many signed contracts in varying stages of completion. I am trying to get a handle on it so the business doesn't fall apart. It's so hard and I'm completely overwhelmed.

I have no focus, nor any energy. People tell me important things that I need to take care of, and five minutes later I can't remember a word they said to me. I'm in a fog.
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Old 02-12-2018, 07:31 PM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,131 posts, read 1,082,838 times
Reputation: 3642
Quote:
Originally Posted by mike1003 View Post
My condolences.

Every day will be a little bit easier die you. But, it will never be the same. Hold on to the good things in your life and build on them

Get, and read, "The next place" It is for kids and adults alike. Every time a friend loses someone we send a copy
Thanks, mike1003. I will check out the book you suggested.
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Old 02-12-2018, 07:37 PM
 
120 posts, read 56,736 times
Reputation: 121
You and your husband will be in my prayers. You are surrounded by family, friends, and countless strangers over the internet who show their unconditional support for you. 863 hearts ache with yours, may you find peace in these troubled times. God bless.
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Old 02-12-2018, 07:39 PM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,131 posts, read 1,082,838 times
Reputation: 3642
I am deeply touched by everyone who has reached out to me with kind words and sympathy. Thank you so much. I would like to thank each and every one of you individually, but I have to be away from my computer for now, and I am out of time, so forgive me for not responding to every poster who took the time and effort to comfort me. Thank you so much.

DaddyLongLeg
harry chickpea
WMak70
october2007
texan2yankee
chiluvr1228
johngolf
writerwife
slyfox2
kelly237
MichaelBC
LLCNYC
Luvvarkansas
mcchrief
skeddy
Mikala43
janellen
7gkids
ForLoveOnly

All the best to you.
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Old 02-12-2018, 08:09 PM
 
4,945 posts, read 1,822,072 times
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Dear Butterflyfish. I am so about your beloved husband. I cannot imagine experiencing what you went through and now being without him. I have no words except to say I'm glad that you have family and friends to surround you right now. Please be gentle with yourself. Whatever you feel is appropriate. There is no "right" way to grieve, and grief takes as long as it takes. One of the things about grief is it's not linear. One day you may feel okay and the next you may feel as if the loss just happened.

Please know there are many here on CD and of course those who know you personally who are sending you their love. Try not to think too far out into the future. It can be overwhelming. As much as you can, just live from hour to hour if that is all you can do. Take care of yourself and get rest when you can. And talk about your dear husband as much as you need to. Talking can help so much.

Many hugs to you.
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Old 02-12-2018, 08:30 PM
 
3,914 posts, read 5,194,120 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyfish View Post
I appreciate your wise words, born from the experience of someone who has been there. Yes, it feels exactly like the life force has been sucked right out of me. I am numb with grief.

I force myself out of bed each day and to walk on the beach during sunrise, as I have always done. My morning beach walks have always meant a lot to me. But even the most glorious morning feels empty now. The joy in my life is gone. The chirping of birds and crowing roosters make me weep. I feel so sad and hopeless. I don't want to be here without him.
I hear that. Yes, all seems without beauty or hope. And what you see and hear reminds you that at one time, you enjoyed it, and that reminds you of that everything has changed. I felt that I would never enjoy anything again. I was wrong about that, but it did take a long time to get there. But keep walking on the beach anyway, because one day you will see the beauty again. Unfortunately, if we don't experience the pain, we will not integrate it - we will not come out as whole people. That's why support is good, because someone to help you bear the pain makes it at least feel that others care. It took me four months before I could really think of something other than my husband. Everyone is different, so I don't mean that to be a prescription, but know that your brain may be so preoccupied with grief that concentrating on other things may be difficult. I tried not to drive in the first month because I just couldn't keep my mind on what I was doing. Some people find some relief in writing down what they are feeling. For others, that is not helpful at all. I know this sounds strange, but I watched the whole "Agatha Christie's Poirot" mystery series - all 60 something episodes - because for some reason, I felt comfortable with the character, and it took me away for an hour every day. Maybe it gave me a little rest. I didn't watch much TV, though, because most of it seemed so trivial to me. Do things that give you a little relief. And if you start being able to think of something else for a few minutes, don't feel guilty that your mind is not on your husband - he loved you, and he would not want you to be in misery for ever.

May little blessings find you.
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Old 02-12-2018, 08:30 PM
 
Location: a primitive state
9,486 posts, read 19,259,452 times
Reputation: 11239
Your beautiful perspective on relationships must have come from your life with your husband. I’ve always thought highly of you. I’m so sorry that he’s gone.

Take good care of your yourself and try to get some rest. Don’t take on too much. Try to enlist help where you can.

I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
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