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Old 02-13-2018, 01:16 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,869 posts, read 51,398,709 times
Reputation: 27762

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Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
I think this is a functional impulse. We need to go through it, and not avoid the pain. I know some people who have taken anti-depressants, and I would not tell them that they are wrong, but I don't think this should be thought of as an automatic thing. Feeling extreme grief in this situation is not the same as clinical depression. It is entirely normal. You should follow your instincts. I am always concerned about sleep because we need sleep in order to do the hard work of mourning. I know exactly how illusive a good night's sleep can be, however. If you are able to take some sleep medication for a short while, it may help your body to "reset" and actually sleep naturally. I'm not too familiar with that, as I tolerate sleep meds very poorly. I finally learned to sleep again when I got the flu a month and a half after my husband died.
I completely concur. I have had the advantages of knowing a lot of psychology, working with the mentally ill, and many other pertinent background experiences. The extremely close relationship that my wife and I had was beyond many couples comprehension, and my knowledge and my gut both told me that I had to face the changes from her death head on. I did all of the things that I have suggested to others and more. I also had two wonderful friends that were completely "there for me" and others that were willing to do as much as they could.

It was painful, it was hard, there were times when I felt I had to "come up for air" and struggled to do so, as so much of everyday life had been intertwined with hers.

I knew that I had reached a turning point when I began to accept the great joy of her and her values as enduring, and focus less on the time around her death. I miss her physical presence every day and always will, but so much of who she is lives within me that she not only remains with me but is a part of me.

My sleep is different now, but part of that is simply from getting older, and I have always had unusual sleep habits. Accept that there will be changes, and try not to get captured by the "disease" model of psychology, which is designed to make money. Grief is NOT a disease. Feeling extreme sorrow is NOT a disease. As you get further in time from the event you may come to recognize that in some ways your grief was part of a growth process. At a minimum, you get to have a better understanding of the need for compassion and capacity to offer it.
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Old 02-13-2018, 01:18 PM
 
383 posts, read 299,438 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by animalcrazy View Post
Dear one, there is nothing anyone can say or do to make this better. This is probably by far the worst thing you will ever have to go through in your life and this grief could last for years. I hope you get glimpses of joy and a light that guides you through this difficult time. I wish you all the best.
Very well said. We are almost never prepared for those moments in life that make life--well, life. Frequently but not always when we're young, those sudden upheavals are happy: a marriage proposal, college acceptance letter, great job offer. They're upheavals nonetheless (or else a site called City Data wouldn't be flooded with the grief of so many young people saying good-bye to beloved hometowns for new ones, or wanting with all their might to return to towns they left).

Life is a job. Sometimes that job requires crying--pillows soaked through with our pain. So if you're grieving the loss of a spouse or any other loved one right now, your job is to cry. God and His angels will be very close to you at all times during this "night shift."
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Old 02-13-2018, 05:21 PM
 
4,822 posts, read 5,449,558 times
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Butterflyfish,

As someone who is taking care of someone who had a stroke two months ago, I know about shock. One minute everything is normal and the next minute, "normal" is gone.

I hope you have at least one other person in your life who will just allow you to talk, or cry as long as you need to. All you can do right now is take care of yourself physically and allow the grief to process. Don't try to think about anything beyond that for now.

As for your husband, I believe he will always be with you. If you believe the same, then keep talking to him. It will allow you to feel less separated.

God bless you.
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Old 02-13-2018, 05:47 PM
 
5,072 posts, read 610,795 times
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I can't possibly imagine anything worse unless he was in a persistent vegetative state.

There are no words for the loss you have suffered, and all we can do is express our TRUE sympathy and send our best wishes that you will learn to deal with this loss as best you can.

The only thing I would advise is to take each day as it comes, and if that proves to be too much, then take it hour by hour, and if that proves to be too difficult, then take it minute by minute. Also remember that everyone grieves differently, so you should not try to meet anyone's expectations as to how you should feel or act. Do what is right for you.

I am just so very sad for you.
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Old 02-13-2018, 06:24 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyfish View Post
My husband died suddenly in front of my eyes. I tried but could not revive him and by the time the ambulance came, he was gone. He was in his late 50s. He was a loving husband and hardworking businessman. He was excited about our future together.

I am lost, broken and so full of despair I cant breathe. I can't imagine life without him. We were so happy and completely in love and devoted to each other. I hate facing the world without him.

Friends and family have surrounded me. They are doing their best to help me and I'm grateful for them. But there isn't really anything they can do. They keep telling me that I am strong, and everything will be okay. But they are wrong. It's not going to be okay. I am not strong. Not at all.

The pain of going through life without my husband is more than I can bear.
My father and I recently lost my mother. She was 67, he is 68. Died in a freak accident with her sister. He doesn't know what to do with his life anymore. She was the one who planned everything, and he went along with those plans. Vacations, family reunions, etc. Now he feels like he's just drifting with no purpose.

He was also still working, and for a good month or so, he really was out of it. Neither of us were sleeping well, it took me 2.5 months before my sleep got somewhat back to normal. It is overwhelming at first. All you want is for life to STOP and let you take some time to wrap your mind around what has happened and try to deal with things... but it just doesn't. It keeps on going, and I actually felt angry that so much was changing, holidays came and went, and now a new year has started and I still haven't reconciled what happened last year.

As you noted in another post... You had no idea what your friend was going through when they lost someone, and now you do. It is the same for your friends and family... they just don't get it, but they try to be there for you. I've found that talking to people who DO get it helps, they have gone through the same thing and will understand what you are feeling, no matter how strange it may seem.

On the day my mother died, at approximately the same time even, though I didn't know it until later, a golfer hit a ball and broke my neighbor's window that is right next to my office window. I work from home, I heard it shatter. A few hours later I learned my mother had died.

For whatever reason, my neighbors didn't fix their window. I have a feeling they are going through some hard times financially, but whatever the reason is, they did nothing with that window until just a few days ago. The whole world kept moving on, new deadlines for work, my kid's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years... and all I wanted was to just STOP and not move on.

I don't know why they waited 3.5 months to fix their window in the middle of winter. But it was a comfort to me for that time, something wasn't changing. I know that sounds silly. But I'm sure you get exactly what I mean.

I am sorry for your loss. I won't say I hope things get better, because I've realized that even if I move on and keep living my life, my life isn't going to be better than it was. It never will be. It's a new life that is different than what we all thought our lives would be like, and it isn't a better life. It's just life, and you have to find a way to accept that what you thought your life was going to be like, just won't be. I'm not there yet myself.
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Old 02-13-2018, 07:05 PM
 
7,696 posts, read 12,861,929 times
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I know people mean well when they say "stay strong"
but I don't think it is helpful.

Grieving is necessary and you should do it your way..
Healing will come in it's own time.
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Old 02-13-2018, 10:30 PM
 
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So sorry to hear of your loss Our prayers and thoughts to you at this very difficult time.
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Old 02-13-2018, 11:26 PM
 
218 posts, read 69,738 times
Reputation: 553
Get up, dress up and get out! Get busy. Go to work. If you already work, get a 2nd job. You owe it to yourself and him to get on with your life. You can't not think about your loss if you're at home on the couch.

I lost my wife with three children, 2 to 9 and a business to run. Work saved my mind. 30+ years later life is great! Kids are successful and happily married, got grandkids. And the most wonderful wife in the world.

So for your mind's sake, get going!
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Old 02-13-2018, 11:43 PM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,146 posts, read 1,110,826 times
Reputation: 3677
Thank you everyone. A friend dragged me out to yoga tonight. I didn't feel up to it, but I couldn't think of a good excuse so I went. Quietly cried through half of it, but I am glad that I went. My body feels more relaxed now.

I really appreciate hearing from those of you who have been through this. It's proof that life goes on and perhaps one day I will smile again. It gives me some hope.

Tomorrow is Valentines Day and my husband never missed an opportunity to spoil me with romantic gestures. I was so lucky. He was the most romantic husband a woman could ever ask for.

I dreamt of him last night. He was simply kissing me tenderly on my face and stroking my hair with his hands. I guess that will be my Valentine gift from him.
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Old 02-14-2018, 12:20 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,869 posts, read 51,398,709 times
Reputation: 27762
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyfish View Post
Thank you everyone. A friend dragged me out to yoga tonight. I didn't feel up to it, but I couldn't think of a good excuse so I went. Quietly cried through half of it, but I am glad that I went. My body feels more relaxed now.

I really appreciate hearing from those of you who have been through this. It's proof that life goes on and perhaps one day I will smile again. It gives me some hope.

Tomorrow is Valentines Day and my husband never missed an opportunity to spoil me with romantic gestures. I was so lucky. He was the most romantic husband a woman could ever ask for.

I dreamt of him last night. He was simply kissing me tenderly on my face and stroking my hair with his hands. I guess that will be my Valentine gift from him
.
Ahh. Be open to other experiences. Don't try to analyze or judge yet, just be open to the unusual.
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