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I feel that is happening. Everyone is giving me opinions and advice. People I only know casually are asking me very personal questions about my situation. Such as if he had a will or life insurance. People are asking me for some of his things, some of them expensive. I feel like there are vultures circling over me, wanting to pick me clean.
One of the things that real vultures do is to try to force any decision immediately. One of the easiest defenses is to state "I have been instructed NOT to make any decision, no matter how minor, without at least one week of reflection. I am not allowed to make larger decisions without at least a majority of my advisers signing off on it after a waiting period of at least one month. My hands are tied." Once they recognize you are not an easy mark, they move on. By feigning lack of authority, they are thwarted from badgering you. Never say who your advisers are, unless one of them is a lawyer and you want to stop someone who is aggressive cold by invoking that name.
That said, personal questions about a will or life insurance are often benign and may even be a way of checking if you are going to be OK or need more support.
All of us who have lost a loved one have had a reality check of who our real friends are, who cannot deal with stress, and who will defend us or try to take advantage. Amongst all of your other tasks during this time, the one of determining who is a true friend or ally is one of the most important.
I feel that is happening. Everyone is giving me opinions and advice. People I only know casually are asking me very personal questions about my situation. Such as if he had a will or life insurance. People are asking me for some of his things, some of them expensive. I feel like there are vultures circling over me, wanting to pick me clean.
You are going to have to figure out ways to politely put the brakes on some of this. Any of the following is okay:
Thank you. I can't think about that right now, but will in the future.
I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable discussing that.
Right now I can't think about letting go of any of his things.
I will have to think about that later.
I don't plan on making any decisions for at least a year.
I'm not emotionally ready to discuss tthat.
And any other ones you can think of. Think of them in advance so you know what to say at the time.
Do not let anyone pressure you. You can be polite (minimize drama - you don't need that right now) and FIRM.
I'm sorry you are being put in this situation.
Harry brought up some interesting points and made me wonder if you have a friend or family member you trust who can run interference for you to take some of the pressure off?
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You are going to have to figure out ways to politely put the brakes on some of this. Any of the following is okay:
Thank you. I can't think about that right now, but will in the future.
I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable discussing that.
Right now I can't think about letting go of any of his things.
I will have to think about that later.
I don't plan on making any decisions for at least a year.
I'm not emotionally ready to discuss tthat.
And any other ones you can think of. Think of them in advance so you know what to say at the time.
Do not let anyone pressure you. You can be polite (minimize drama - you don't need that right now) and FIRM.
I'm sorry you are being put in this situation.
Harry brought up some interesting points and made me wonder if you have a friend or family member you trust who can run interference for you to take some of the pressure off?
I'm not as nice as you, Mikala, I might be more like, "I can't believe you would ask me something like that" if someone was hinting for personal possessions.
I am sorry to hear about your loss. Although it will be tough to adjust at first you WILL make it. One of the benefits of your time with your husband is that you know how he would think now and the things he would say and do in certain situations.
I've thought the same thing about my better half and my father. What would I do if something happened to them. For one, I made it without them to begin with, but I also have the benefit of having their thoughts with me so even if they are not around, I know exactly what they would think, do or say in situations. I think about things sometimes and when I think what they would do, I immediately know what they would do. No one is truly ever gone, they live in our hearts and minds, and so does your husband in yours. Hang in there, you will make it. I KNOW you will.
This post spells it all out for you...what to do in the immediate future.
In the early days, everything is a blurry mess and decision making is heavily clouded for relatively long time. As choperette already said, making important and long lasting decisions is not a good idea for a long time and an important decision can be as seeming little as answering the question "what to do with your husband's/wife's belongings". Trust me, you are not in a hurry and taking time and allowing time to give you the answers is the best way to go. Surely some widow's want to get rid of everything as soon as possible and this is fine too but if you doubt even a bit, take a time out and see how things develop. I personally didn't move a thing for months and when I did, I felt really strong urge to do so. Else I did nothing. I also bought a camera and took pictures of my home and the things the way they were when my husband died. I wanted to have the option to return to that time should I ever want to do so.
Allow yourself options. I did. I also reserved the right for myself and others to cancel any agreed lunches, walks etc even at the last minute because I could not be sure I how felt when the time came. I did keep some agreed things and others I simply had to cancel due to my state of mind at the moment. If you say this in advance, people in general will understand and not get offended which they easily can do too.
The stuff around you is yours now and no-one has the right to take any of it nor tell you what to do with them. There can be people that come to you claiming something is theirs or that your late husband/wife promised them something or owe them money. If it's not properly documented, this is never the case and you do not have to "honour" any of these claims. Unfortunately some people do this and not everyone is good and kind. Anything you have is really now yours and if someone even politely asks you to give them say tools, just say that you will use them at some point even if you don't. My BIL asked for my husbands power-drill and I simply smiled to him and said: "yeah! can you imagine how good tools I have these days! I have a power-drill of my own now!!!!" Never asked for it again
Your finances are private. Do not discuss those with anyone unless you really trust them. Blunt people will ask about life insurances and other such things and it is not their business. Period! There are people who may try to take an advantage on financial level on a person who has been hit with this immense tragedy. You can reply with "That's a private matter", "Can we talk about something else, please" or just with a silence and a puzzled look. Also on the phone. EC adviced in the original thread that if someone asks about your finances over the phone, just stay silent until they break it and when they do just say "I got to run now. Talk to you later" and hang up.
I'm sorry for your lost OP. A lot of pages have been written about your pain. Sometimes, we really don't know how to lift someone up or how to be there for each other. Again, I'm sorry.
I am sorry to hear about your loss. Although it will be tough to adjust at first you WILL make it. One of the benefits of your time with your husband is that you know how he would think now and the things he would say and do in certain situations.
I've thought the same thing about my better half and my father. What would I do if something happened to them. For one, I made it without them to begin with, but I also have the benefit of having their thoughts with me so even if they are not around, I know exactly what they would think, do or say in situations. I think about things sometimes and when I think what they would do, I immediately know what they would do. No one is truly ever gone, they live in our hearts and minds, and so does your husband in yours. Hang in there, you will make it. I KNOW you will.
Thank you Tac-Sea. Your words have been a comfort to me.
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