U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Closed Thread Start New Thread
 
Old 02-14-2018, 10:25 AM
 
Location: Central IL
13,370 posts, read 7,128,759 times
Reputation: 31084

Advertisements

Someone can be in the process of dying for months and even years...doctors have a very hard time estimating these things as every individual is different. I don't fault you for planning a trip 6 months out - perhaps you thought she'd even be "recovered" by then rather than being in hospice.

Funerals are delayed all the time for many reasons, and often so family can get back - so yes, your vacation counts as you needing time to get back. Carry on and enjoy it - you doubtless need a break from all of this.

 
Old 02-14-2018, 10:27 AM
 
2,953 posts, read 1,391,095 times
Reputation: 5292
^^^ exactly , know 2 people who were in hospice for almsot 3 years. Kept having to sign them up again, as its suppose to be 6 months

No you won't be a monster.

In the last 9 years, I have not been to a funeral which was the old way they used to do them. Person dies, then 2 or three days later is the funeral.

They can hold her at the morgue or funeral home. Till you are home and ready. Gosh you have to take care of yourself.

In the last 3 years I have not been to a funeral. The memorial was called a celebration of life. Usually held in a restaurant. Anywhere from a month to 6 months later. Family had cremation and private burial.

Guilt, let it go. Who will think you are horrible? Maybe moms friends, but how much do you see them?
 
Old 02-14-2018, 10:41 AM
 
Location: Arizona
5,578 posts, read 4,785,001 times
Reputation: 16491
Would you be able to enjoy this vacation knowing your mother is dying and may be dead?
 
Old 02-14-2018, 10:53 AM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,639,274 times
Reputation: 33226
Quote:
Originally Posted by ajonesaz View Post
Things were much different 6 months ago, it was a real sudden decline. Obviously I wouldn't be planning big vacations had I known.
Fair enough, you didn't answer the question about your relationship or what type of person she was(and you don't have to).

I couldn't do it. You said you don't think she will go on much longer, have the doctors given you any timeline?



Quote:
Originally Posted by OttoR View Post
I don't think you're a monster at all. Caring for a loved one, even in hospice, is incredibly stressful and draining. Countless studies show how stressful and harmful to your own health being a caretaker can be. I can certainly understand why you would NEED a vacation. I see nothing wrong with postponing the funeral. Funerals are postponed for a lot of reasons. Dead is dead.
What are you going to do for her at that point? It isn't like your mother will know. What is important, is all the time you've been spending with her and the support you've been giving her through her illness. Before going on vacation, I would certainly make sure all arrangements are in order. There's no reason that cannot be done now. When my grandmother was dying of cancer, she took care of the funeral herself!!! Right down to her obituary and the songs she wanted to be sung at her service. She also paid for it. She was salt of the earth and didn't want to be a burden to anyone. It bothered us and we thought it morbid at the time, but when she died, we were so thankful. There was literally nothing for us to do. She made some choices for the service we would not have, and quite a few people asked about it. We told them we had nothing to do with it, that those were her wishes and her arrangements. But anyway, getting it all done in advance will relieve a lot of stress should she pass while you are on vacation, or about to leave.

Also, despite the cancellation fee, it may be that in the event of death of an immediate family member, the vacation can at least be postponed without penalty. It's worth asking.
Yes, it is. So is getting laid off from your job of 20 years, a car accident, etc.

It's called life, there is both good and bad.

Very selfish to just always make it "all about me" and what I want and don't want to do.

A vacation is a great idea, down the road. I can't imagine anyone thinking taking a vacation while someone is dying or just died is a good idea.

Even joining a grief support group is a bad idea too soon(it's recommended wait at least 3 months), so trying to relax or enjoy yourself the loss is just too raw.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thoreau424 View Post
The future is obviously passed and gone. Six months ago is but a side note to history. All sorts of things can change in 6 months. There are no guarantees about anything.

The present is the most important, real, and relevant. Right now, in the present, you have to deal with the situation as it is at the moment. Will you ignore the uncontrollable path that your mom has been put on, and forge ahead with your (controllable) vacation plans? Is your vacation time of greater importance to the potential last days of your mom's life and time on earth? How would she feel slipping away with you being miles away by choice? Or does none of that matter?

Maybe you're way too busy with day-to-day things, and haven't stopped to look at the deeper matters of life. This might be an opportunity to grow in some new, deep, and significant ways. This all might even be a test on some level, to see where your priorities and allegiances reside. What about years from now when the situation is reversed, and you're on your death bed? How would you see it then? We come into the world without anything material, and leave the same. Vacations and money won't mean squat in the end. But how we deal with others while we're here is timeless.
Very well said.

Of the OP has children him and his wife better think about down the road, children(both underage and adults) observe and watch how their parents treat the grandparents, and they remember.
 
Old 02-14-2018, 10:55 AM
 
Location: SW US
1,996 posts, read 1,853,151 times
Reputation: 3354
I don't see postponing the funeral as the problem. I see going on vacation when your mother is dying as the real problem.
My mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, out of the blue, at the beginning of February and died April 1 - so just two months notice. Life pretty much stopped for all of us during those 2 months.
 
Old 02-14-2018, 10:58 AM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,249,971 times
Reputation: 4554
I delayed my husband's funeral by 3 weeks, not because I was gone, but to allow family to get there. Delays are acceptable. He was, by the way, cremated. I agree with Windwalker2 that the ethical dilemma is not postponing the funeral, it is going on vacation when your mom is dying.
 
Old 02-14-2018, 11:40 AM
 
Location: LA, CA/ In This Time and Place
5,425 posts, read 3,280,484 times
Reputation: 5033
You are not a monster, you have feelings and you admit that you're a nervous wreck. What you did was not wrong, but the fact that you are asking for others input shows you love your mother.

You are no sociopathic monster.
 
Old 02-14-2018, 12:23 PM
 
Location: Central Connecticut
330 posts, read 199,429 times
Reputation: 716
My father is not in hospice, but recently went back to assisted living after the fourth stint in the hospital and rehab within a year. He can only stay in assisted living because he has outside help.

My husband and I will be traveling in a couple of weeks on our annual trek to the southwest to visit his family (This year there's a wedding). When Pop was in the hospital last month, I really didn't think he'd make it to this point, and I told my husband that if my father passed away while we were gone or shortly before we left, we would have the funeral after we returned. It's not that I'm uncaring - I'm the only one of us five children that has done any caretaking since mom died three years ago - but I'm a practical person. Postponing for a week will not matter and will give people a chance to make travel arrangements to go to the funeral.
 
Old 02-14-2018, 12:29 PM
 
1,326 posts, read 528,365 times
Reputation: 2308
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
If you're mother has been in hospice a few months now, why did you purchase this vacation 6 months ago?

You had to know there were serious health issues, didn't that cross your mind 6 months ago?

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your mother or if she was a great mom, or the mother from hell.

I know when my mother passed(and also in hospice) it was surreal and I was barely functioning, and the last thing I would want to take would be any vacation anytime in the near future, because I wouldn't have been up to it nor would I have enjoyed it.

Can you pay a penalty and postpone it? Next time buy travel insurance when you know that you have a situation like this going on that could impact a trip.

Only you know the answer, I will just say if you had any type of halfway decent relationship with your mom, it's doubtful you will enjoy yourself, do you want to find yourself on a plane(just an example) and find you're sobbing and can't get it under control?

Look into postponing and make it clear what the reason is, you may be able to get buy just paying a penalty and everyone has a mother, perhaps someone in charge and cut you some slack.

Sorry about your mom.
Not all who go into hospice were sick for a long time. I had planned my first trip to Europe when the night before we were leaving my mom had a stroke. She wouldn't let anyone call me because she was excited for my trip and didn't want to ruin it. I found out when I returned. A month later my dad went into the hospital and two months later he was dead. There was no warning. My mom lived another 4 1/2 years.

OP, discuss this with your family. She may not pass either before or during your trip and it may not be an issue; however, today a lot of people delay services or even have memorial services in two different places as cremation is becoming more and more common. My aunt passed away and they waited a week before having the funeral for family members to arrive from other states. It happens, family is all over the world now. Instead of stressing, discuss it with your siblings.
 
Old 02-14-2018, 12:36 PM
 
4,395 posts, read 1,493,953 times
Reputation: 10162
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thoreau424 View Post
The future is obviously passed and gone. Six months ago is but a side note to history. All sorts of things can change in 6 months. There are no guarantees about anything.

The present is the most important, real, and relevant. Right now, in the present, you have to deal with the situation as it is at the moment. Will you ignore the uncontrollable path that your mom has been put on, and forge ahead with your (controllable) vacation plans? Is your vacation time of greater importance to the potential last days of your mom's life and time on earth? How would she feel slipping away with you being miles away by choice? Or does none of that matter?

Maybe you're way too busy with day-to-day things, and haven't stopped to look at the deeper matters of life. This might be an opportunity to grow in some new, deep, and significant ways. This all might even be a test on some level, to see where your priorities and allegiances reside. What about years from now when the situation is reversed, and you're on your death bed? How would you see it then? We come into the world without anything material, and leave the same. Vacations and money won't mean squat in the end. But how we deal with others while we're here is timeless.

But this isn't what the OP asked about. His premise was, that mom has already died, so would it be terrible if he postponed the funeral, and took a planned vacation AFTER SHE DIED.


If she HASN'T died by the time the vacation comes up, that's a different scenario, and he wasn't asking about that.


Whether he actually enjoys the vacation...that's his call. Who knows, maybe the vacation planned is someplace peaceful and quiet, and maybe it'd be just what he needed to contemplate, grieve, and recharge, for the weeks ahead.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Closed Thread

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top