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Old 02-19-2018, 06:11 PM
 
Location: The Jar
20,071 posts, read 13,744,602 times
Reputation: 36712

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No matter how bad your mother was to members of her family, that's no excuse for them to try to dump that/their baggage on you.
Not only is it in poor taste, but it's downright rude.

OP, I feel sorry for you. But I feel even more sorry for the members of the family that sound like they, too, might have inherited the same "emotional disorder" or mental illness.
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Old 02-19-2018, 06:51 PM
 
Location: 76102
3,200 posts, read 1,483,983 times
Reputation: 9571
I couldn't care less if someone did this after I passed.

I, for one, do not speak ill of the dead.
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Old 02-19-2018, 08:53 PM
 
4,832 posts, read 2,142,556 times
Reputation: 12302
Just cuz it's thought doesn't mean it needs to be said. Timing is key.
Try and honor the not speaking ill of the deceased since they are no longer here to listen or confirm. But some events do not die with the departed. Perhaps a reasonable response when someone unloads about the departed is to say...may I take a rain check on this chat? Maybe in a year or two I'll be in a better frame to listen...for now this loss has my full attention. Respect that.
I've been on both sides..yet timing has kept things in check.
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Old 02-19-2018, 09:00 PM
 
Location: USA
2,774 posts, read 660,956 times
Reputation: 3373
I agree it's very inconsiderate and disrespectful to the person's family....or even in general.

I remember getting an early morning phone call about an uncle who had died. I had VERY bad memories about him, hadn't seen him in decades, and hadn't even heard anything about him in ages. But the aunt who called me was in tears, quite distraught. I just listened, said "well, now he's at peace". I didn't shed any tears, but I wasn't about to say "he was a no-good abusive sob, good riddance".
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Old 02-19-2018, 11:21 PM
 
Location: on the wind
4,121 posts, read 1,535,580 times
Reputation: 14706
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
OK, I guess I just needed some confirmation of that. It wasn't what I wanted to hear the same day that she passed away.
A sad way to indulge in "having the last word". Can't imagine doing such a thing to a niece, no matter when the funeral was.
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Old 02-20-2018, 06:47 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,098 posts, read 3,918,635 times
Reputation: 18761
I'm sorry for your loss Priscilla and your relatives were completely out of line.
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Old 02-20-2018, 07:23 AM
 
Location: Raleigh
6,964 posts, read 5,183,151 times
Reputation: 9390
I'm sorry you're dealing with that. No, its not appropriate. Unfortunately, in some families, especially where there's a history of mental illness, abuse, or addiction, it seems to happen sometimes.
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Old 02-20-2018, 07:39 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
20,953 posts, read 15,267,317 times
Reputation: 23722
At a funeral or immediately after a death, it is poor taste. Over the longer term, I think it's important to be honest about who the person and how they lived.

My best friend committed suicide in 2013. Overall, he was a good person, but his life was marred by serious substance abuse, mental health, and work ethic issues. A few months before his death, he shot himself in the eye with rat shot. His parents paid an enormous amount of medical bills to state of the art eye surgery facility in Virginia. He then kills himself. His parents probably paid tens of thousands of dollars to save his sight, then commits suicide. There were years worth of legal issues, substance abuse problems, etc. He never worked a regular day job for more than a few weeks. He had has virtues, but also put his family through hell. I think it's important to remember both.
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Old 02-20-2018, 08:10 AM
 
Location: Raleigh
6,964 posts, read 5,183,151 times
Reputation: 9390
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
At a funeral or immediately after a death, it is poor taste. Over the longer term, I think it's important to be honest about who the person and how they lived.

My best friend committed suicide in 2013. Overall, he was a good person, but his life was marred by serious substance abuse, mental health, and work ethic issues. A few months before his death, he shot himself in the eye with rat shot. His parents paid an enormous amount of medical bills to state of the art eye surgery facility in Virginia. He then kills himself. His parents probably paid tens of thousands of dollars to save his sight, then commits suicide. There were years worth of legal issues, substance abuse problems, etc. He never worked a regular day job for more than a few weeks. He had has virtues, but also put his family through hell. I think it's important to remember both.
I agree...I think that people that lionize the deceased are are just as warped.

Its one thing to say "I'm sorry" and quietly remember the guy had issues, quite another to say "he wrecked my car and stole from my medicine cabinet." And, its just as much a disservice to say, "He was a saint" when that's not the case.
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Old 02-20-2018, 08:44 AM
Status: "I cannot wait for the heat to break..." (set 3 days ago)
 
Location: Where the sun likes to shine!!
20,368 posts, read 25,483,948 times
Reputation: 87958
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
What does anyone here think about airing grievances against a person who has just passed away?

I think it is tacky and shows a lack of manners. It also shows the true character of the person doing that.



My mother and father divorced when I was very young. My mother was very bitter about it and always complained about him. He died when I was in my mid 20's. She was still complaining about him. I said "Mom he is dead...let it go"
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