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Old 02-20-2018, 10:11 AM
 
10,608 posts, read 13,426,517 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AllisonHB View Post
A sad way to indulge in "having the last word". Can't imagine doing such a thing to a niece, no matter when the funeral was.
Exactly.

THEY knew YOU knew everything about your mom.

They were just attempting to make you agree that THEY were right, or somehow "better" than her.

Obviously they aren't.

But I'm the type of person who'd have NO problem reading them the riot act in real time. A lot of people are not like that and confrontation is difficult for them.

I assume they weren't even speaking of her as a mom to you - in other words some backhanded attempt to "comfort you"...but as sisters with sister complaints. So to say that crap to someone's daughter is just ignorant and selfish.

Even if someone has the worst mom in the world or never got along with the mom, when they're making peace with the end of the mom's life it's NEVER appropriate to try and get into the daughter's head.

Once your mom dies, your life is never the same regardless of your relationship.
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Old 02-20-2018, 10:45 AM
 
5,493 posts, read 3,439,492 times
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I can think of no possible justification for your aunts to do what they did, OP.

OTOH, they did give you a big clue about their character. If they followed up by hinting at or outright asking for things of your mom's, I'd shut that down pronto.

On the general topic of airing grievances against the deceased, I was at a funeral where the officiant brought up the subject of the deceased's misdeeds. I think almost everyone at the funeral knew about it except me.
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Old 02-20-2018, 11:34 AM
 
Location: Texas
6,706 posts, read 2,426,080 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
On the general topic of airing grievances against the deceased, I was at a funeral where the officiant brought up the subject of the deceased's misdeeds. I think almost everyone at the funeral knew about it except me.
Was the family okay with this being discussed at the funeral?


There might have been two sides to the story, and the deceased was no longer able to defend him/herself.
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Old 02-20-2018, 11:36 AM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
27,773 posts, read 17,756,943 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
OK, I guess I just needed some confirmation of that. It wasn't what I wanted to hear the same day that she passed away.
Yeah, extremely inconsiderate to those who are mourning. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Perhaps that personality disorder is a family thing?
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Old 02-20-2018, 01:04 PM
 
Location: Georgia
4,515 posts, read 3,792,494 times
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I am so sorry you were subjected to such thoughtless and cruel behavior at such a emotional time.

It would have been perfectly acceptable to say, "You know, I really don't need to hear this, now -- or, frankly, ever. I have my own memories of my mother, and you have yours. I'm not your therapist, here to help you figure out your relationship with my mother. Now, excuse me, I have to go plan a funeral . . . "

Mean ol' biddies!
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Old 02-20-2018, 01:36 PM
Status: "Free at last!" (set 11 days ago)
 
Location: Somwhere
3,147 posts, read 1,236,646 times
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Wait a minute, it was their sister right? They are mourning in their own way.
It's too bad that you don't agree with them; I guess your mom treated you better than she did them.

Or, possibly, they've had time to figure out how badly she treated them, and you don't yet realize how she abused you.
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Old 02-20-2018, 01:50 PM
 
5,493 posts, read 3,439,492 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
Was the family okay with this being discussed at the funeral?
My stepfather was the deceased. He walked out on his wife and small children. Just left.

They -- the ex-wife and the now-adult children -- were at the funeral. I think they met with the officiant beforehand and made sure he included that info. My mother didn't seem upset by it. It was, after all, the truth.

Quote:
There might have been two sides to the story, and the deceased was no longer able to defend him/herself.
There really wasn't. There's no justification for abandoning your wife and kids. Well, at least none I can think of. If they'd gotten a divorce, arranged custody, visitation, child support, etc. that would have been different. But just disappearing and leaving your spouse to deal with everything...that's just wrong. And the kids wondering, "Where's Daddy?"
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Old 02-20-2018, 01:55 PM
 
10,608 posts, read 13,426,517 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by steiconi View Post
Wait a minute, it was their sister right? They are mourning in their own way.
It's too bad that you don't agree with them; I guess your mom treated you better than she did them.

Or, possibly, they've had time to figure out how badly she treated them, and you don't yet realize how she abused you.
Maybe read the original post again slowly. She's familiar with her own mother.

The sisters are not mourning in their own way, they're imposing themselves on a daughter's own personal grief, IMO. THE DAY OF HER DEATH!
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Old 02-20-2018, 02:31 PM
 
4,145 posts, read 3,482,382 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
When my mom passed some of her sisters wanted to air their grievances to me about things she'd said and done in her lifetime. On the phone, the same day of her death. Thinking back now, I find it a little disgraceful to be airing their grievances before the person is even cold in the ground. I knew they didn't always get along well during her life time. My mom was also diagnosed with an emotional disorder and had conflicts with a lot of people quite often. What does anyone here think about airing grievances against a person who has just passed away?
I am sorry you lost your Mom. It's too bad your Aunts were not more concerned about you & your feelings. I think sometimes people really do not know how to handle their strong emotions, so their grief comes out as anger instead. Did there seem to be a purpose behind their comments?
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Old 02-20-2018, 03:05 PM
 
Location: Boonies of N. Alabama
2,343 posts, read 2,111,327 times
Reputation: 3801
Quote:
Originally Posted by steiconi View Post
Wait a minute, it was their sister right? They are mourning in their own way.
It's too bad that you don't agree with them; I guess your mom treated you better than she did them.

Or, possibly, they've had time to figure out how badly she treated them, and you don't yet realize how she abused you.
One person mourning by calling the child of the deceased to berate the parent... is sick and selfish. Let the sisters talk to one another... or a friend... or a counselor or a stranger on the street. You don't call the child of the deceased to unload about them. Especially right away. Period.

I'm sure the OP knows the flaws of the parent. I'd have hung up.
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